Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

FBaby

Just because you OH doesn't rate marriage as highly as you do doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he has committed to you for 12 years doesn't that count for anything.

But he hasn't said he doesn't rate marriage highly, just he hasn't said that he loves her just as much as they are as if they were married, not that he has been committed to her for 12 years, that IS the issue.

OP has said that if he told her that his reasons were that he doesn't believe in marriage and showed that he is committed to her by love rather than by duty/simplicity/lack of availability etc... then she WOULD satisfy herself with his decision. But he is NOT telling her that.

Mojisola

scooby088 wrote: »

For me I have everything but marriage, both me and OH agree that marriage is a waste of paper really.

Depending on how much money you have, it could be worth £325,000 spousal exemption for inheritance tax.

If your spouse dies before retirement age, married partners (or those in civil partnerships) can claim a bereavement payment and other related benefits.

If you're not married, you're not each other's legal next of kin. This can be really important if one of you is in hospital. The authorities will talk to your blood relations if important decisions have to be made but not you.

If you're not going to get married, it's important to get wills done and letters sent to the GP and the hospital, nominating each other as NOK.

This site - https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/ - is worth reading.

shellsuit

Marriage isn't a waste of paper if you're a couple and have joint finances/a house/children together.

The above post just explained it better than me. If something happens to me, then my husband deals with it. If something happens to him, I deal with it. We have no fear of family coming out of the woodwork to take over things.

OP, I'd have the marriage chat again. You need to know the real reason why he isn't interested in marriage, and not the excuses he has been coming out with x

gazzak_2

Maybe it's just me, but forcing an ultimatum on someone you say you love simply proves you don't actually love them at all?

Marry me or I'm off? Seriously?

shellsuit

gazzak wrote: »

Maybe it's just me, but forcing an ultimatum on someone you say you love simply proves you don't actually love them at all?

Marry me or I'm off? Seriously?

It's swings and roundabouts though, if he loved her, he'd marry her, if she loved him, she'd be happy as they are because he seems to be.

They need to talk about their future and how she sees it panning out and how he does.

If its completely different, ie she wants marriage, 2 more kids, a cat and a holiday abroad every year whereas he doesnt want marriage, no more kids and a caravan holiday in Wales every 5 years, then they have to figure out whether it's worth continuing in the relationship, children or no children.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

Depending on how much money you have, it could be worth £325,000 spousal exemption for inheritance tax.

If your spouse dies before retirement age, married partners (or those in civil partnerships) can claim a bereavement payment and other related benefits.

If you're not married, you're not each other's legal next of kin. This can be really important if one of you is in hospital. The authorities will talk to your blood relations if important decisions have to be made but not you.

If you're not going to get married, it's important to get wills done and letters sent to the GP and the hospital, nominating each other as NOK.

This site - https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/ - is worth reading.

Just like to add that most people say ' but I don't have any money, and my house cost way less than would ever be impacted by that...

But these thresholds can stay stationary for a long time. It's amazing how many people who inherited homes with no inheritance tax now find they are worth a small fortune (often London flats, but by no means always).

The spousal bereavement benefits had never crossed my mind until recent years....and further more some employers offer some benefits to spouses or civil partners not routinely extended to I married partners. This was a big deal for some close to us in the credit crunch, where some unmarried comes were forced to choose between relocation without support for partner or their jobs.

lostinrates

shellsuit wrote: »

It's swings and roundabouts though, if he loved her, he'd marry her, if she loved him, she'd be happy as they are because he seems to be.

They need to talk about their future and how she sees it panning out and how he does.

If its completely different, ie she wants marriage, 2 more kids, a cat and a holiday abroad every year whereas he doesnt want marriage, no more kids and a caravan holiday in Wales every 5 years, then they have to figure out whether it's worth continuing in the relationship, children or no children.

The difference to the swing and the roundabout here is that the marriage is a positive identifying action of commitment. The refusal of it in a relationship where its not mutually agreed as ok is not a positive statement of love and is a practical barrier to some safeguards.

Dunroamin

scooby088 wrote: »

For me I have everything but marriage, both me and OH agree that marriage is a waste of paper really. You can love someone and you don't need their surname to make you feel any different. Just because you OH doesn't rate marriage as highly as you do doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he has committed to you for 12 years doesn't that count for anything. Your situation reminds me of a all or nothing situation but with a child involved.

If you think that the most important thing about marriage is a name change, you're really not going to understand the OP's point of view.

lostinrates

gazzak wrote: »

Maybe it's just me, but forcing an ultimatum on someone you say you love simply proves you don't actually love them at all?

Marry me or I'm off? Seriously?

No, it's possible to say I want marriage in my life but I love you. Without marriage I don't feel secure/reciprocally loved/appreciated) and I have Come to accept that despite my love for you I am not satisfied. I would love to marry YOU, but if you don't want to marry me I have to accept that, but that must also force me to question whether I accept this is the right relationship for me.

lostinrates

pigpen wrote: »

My OH is never going to marry me, it was part of our agreement when we got together, I said that was fine then but 4 years and 3 children later the only reason I would marry him is to change my surname to his and our girls so we all matched.. not really a valid reason I know .. I love him and want to be with him and we have our pinks .. that is enough of a commitment for me.. I am considering just changing my surname.. far less stressful and expensive.

Names seem to be a recurring topic for you pigpen!:)

The thing that intrigues me about this is what about the other children from the marriage with a different name from you if you name change?