Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

FBaby

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy.

I have asked myself that question so many times, it hurt my brain! In the end, I could see both positions. One one hand, after 5 years of being on my own, putting a lot of effort in meeting someone who would make me happy, I was fully aware how lucky I was to share my life with my partner and often told myself that this should be enough.

On the other hand, I knew that until I was completely reassured that I wasn't just a comfortable companion to him, someone to fill the small void of his complete life, I wouldn't be able to be the partner he wanted me to be.

I cannot say what would have happened if he hadn't proposed, it's impossible to tell, but I certainly wouldn't have been the happy person I am now who makes him very happy in return.

Robin_TBW

Why does it matter? If you love him then why does the title matter?

Would you rather be with him but unmarried,
or,
Married but with someone completely different?

It seems you have these two choices and if you love him enough to want to marry him then you should be happy with the first option. If you'd rather just be married for the sake of the title then he's better off without you forcing your want of marriage upon him.

Mojisola

Robin_TBW wrote: »

Would you rather be with him but unmarried,
or,
Married but with someone completely different?

It seems you have these two choices

Or - third possibility - living with child as a single parent.

paulineb_2

catkins wrote: »

Just because you have a negative view of marriage not everyone does. Some of us believe in marriage.




Really? Tell that to all the children that never see their father or all the mums that never see their ex or get a single penny towards the children. I know of a few dads who have literally "disappeared" in order to avoid paying for their children

Ive not seen my dad since I was 4 (his choice) and he did pay for me, but the minimum and my mum had to take him to court to get him to pay anything. And my dad has always been fairly well off, hes even wealthier now. I actually dont want any of his cash now that Im an adult, at any time in the future.

And I cant even say that I ever wanted a relationship with him either, because when you have a dad who cant even be bothered to send you a Christmas card or a birthday card, you know exactly how much they care for you. My mum never slated him, she always said when I was 16 or so I could look for him if I wanted to, in fact she helped me track him down, he very politely through a 3rd party told me to shove off and had a massive pop at my mum for allowing me to try and find him.
He said that it was a conscious decision he made to walk away from me.

I actually found one of my cousins on friends reunited a few years ago and asked her to meet me for coffee, just to meet her, she was my dads brothers daughter. She said no, because she had other people to consider, I didnt understand what she meant, but I found out later my dad had a teenage son, I would reckon hes about 26 or 27 now and I believe my dad hasnt told his second wife that I exist or his son, they dont know about me. My mum and dad were married, she wasnt married to my brothers dad.

Some men are very capable of scratching a child from their life and walking away and never looking back and having a family life with someone else.

My brothers dad saw him once after he was born (my mum and he split up when she was pregnant) and never came back to see him. Contributed nothing financially and emigrated to Oz and got married. His wife doesnt know about my brother.

Sorry for going off topic but I absolutely agree, just because you have a child with someone, doesnt mean you have a lifelong bond with them.

Some people dont have any bond with their fathers and in some cases mothers as well.

FBaby

What is marriage to you?

What makes it so important that you risk losing a man who provides for you, had a child with you (did I read you have an older child too which is from a previous relationship?

I suspect it isn't the wanting to be married that is the issue, it is the reasons why he doesn't want to get married. Reasons that he still hasn't vocalised, leading to OP guessing them, and inevitably, guessing the worst scenario ones.

One thing I have told my partner from the start is that if he doesn't tell me how he feels, I will automatically assume the worse, because that's how I am and how I cope with the potential of facing challenges.

cheeswright

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

wow !you're really catching some flack arn't you?
I think lots of people who have made the descision not to get married are often forced to justify themselves , quite regularly too...
and people who have had - or witnessed - bad marriages are quite wary of it as an act, and an institution
so I would guess thats why they are telling you what you have is fine and not to mess with it...
I've seen some wonderful marriages - and so in my head the public declaration of permenant choice - both in the ceremony (which I am thinking of as standing before your friends and family, not as in your choice of frock) - and the use of the words "husband" and "wife" , is important to me.
and I think perhaps theres an element of pride involved too
being publicly chosen....yay - me on the first team for once.....!
I dont know what you think of as marriage though
or what it means to you...
but I am quite sure that to have something that is very important to one partner taken completely off the table for discussion by the other is NOT ACCEPTABLE to most people responding here.
you need to find a way to be able to talk about it....or

I'm going to suggest something that may sound odd...if its that he dosnt want to marry you as "its not important"
challenge him to call you "wife" for a day - or even a week
if he responds that he wont - because your not his wife - then it obviously does mean something to him....and you have a problem.....or more accuratly , he does.

dandelionclock30

OP if its that important to you and means so much to you then you need to sit down and have a really serious discussion with him telling him exactly how you feel?. Marriage may just not be important to him for various reasons.
Then when you have listened to him and both discussed it, decide what your going to do to move the matter forward.
I personally dont believe in marriage as I dont know anyone who has stayed together long term, been happy or faithfull. I think in life we have a variety of different partners and that people get bored after a few years and move on. Its my view that relationships are transitory.
If you partner was going to leave or see other people then he will do it irrespective of whether he is married or not. Good luck with it all.

scooby088

For me I have everything but marriage, both me and OH agree that marriage is a waste of paper really. You can love someone and you don't need their surname to make you feel any different. Just because you OH doesn't rate marriage as highly as you do doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he has committed to you for 12 years doesn't that count for anything. Your situation reminds me of a all or nothing situation but with a child involved.

Lucy_Lastic

OP - did you read this post? This is from experience and could be useful.

jtr2803 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I was debating whether to post on this thread, purely because it's one of those where no one can ever be 'right' but I saw that LEJC linked through to the 'waiting for a proposal' thread thread that I started a few years ago and thought I might be able to empathise in some ways.

My other half had often mentioned marriage during our first two years together, as though it was something that would happen further down the line and we would discuss it flippantly. After three years I was starting to get impatient, we had lived together for two years, didn't argue, were very much in love and I felt like it was time to take the next step in our lives together. Despite hints, direct and frank conversations about whether we were/were not going to get married and even some tears, it still didn't happen and my other half could never give me a concrete reason as to why. I went through all the emotions you have probably been through - sadness, regret (have I wasted my time?), feeling not good enough, insecurity etc and it doesn't matter how many other posters say marriage isn't important, or it's just a bit of paper....if it's something that is important to you then you can't rationalise the pros and cons as much as you might want to.

We had booked a big holiday for my 30th and my other half had hinted it would be the ideal time for a proposal.....which never came and I was heartbroken. About 6 weeks after the holiday I reached the end of my tether and said I was fed up of being led on and either he wanted to get married or he didn't. I was prepared to walk away at that point because the constant delays were undermining my self esteem and I knew I would only end up destroying the relationship anyway. He agreed at that point to get married.

Over the course of our planning many of the reasons he hadn't proposed came out, some that were silly to me but a big deal to him and the biggest one had been his own anxiety over the ceremony and having to speak in front of other people, something I had considered but apparently vastly underestimated. We had a very emotional and colourful wedding a few weeks ago and on the plane out to honeymoon we were talking about the day and he shed a few tears telling me that it was at that very moment everything had come together and he realised that marrying me was the best moment of his life. He now wishes he hadn't dragged it out so long or had been more open about his own fears and expectations so we could face them together.

So yes, I did give him an ultimatum and for us, it worked out. He has since admitted that if I hadn't done it, we would probably have never wed because he had built himself up to ask me but wound himself up so much that he backed out.

People might tell you that you should already 'know' how your other half really feels and what the likeliness of him agreeing to marriage is, but sometimes you want to believe they do and at other times your emotions cloud your own judgement so much that the answer could be staring you right in the face and you wouldn't see it.

You need to realistically weigh up all of your options, you know yourself better than anyone, can you do this for another 2/3 years?

System

You can love someone and you don't need their surname

Personally i love having my husbands surname. I love being a Mrs.