Boyfriend wont marry me is it time to leave

thorsoak

pigpen wrote: »

Exactly.. I was most annoyed at having to purchase a replacement so I could divorce the cheating, bullying piece of crap money well spent though

I never even needed it for changing my surname when we first got it.

I got absolutely nothing positive or negative from the duration I was married (pertaining to the actual married status), it did however drag out the process of getting rid.. 10 months of hassle for a 20 minute crappy ceremony 15 years previously.

What about your children??? Although at times they can all be the proverbial PIAs, I'll bet you wouldn't be without them !

System

You cant possibly leave a man because he wont marry you when there are children involved.

If you nag him enough he'll do the leaving for you.:cool2:

tankgirl78

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

Kayalana99

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

Thier right tho. you nag him he will do the leaving for you.

You came on this thread asking if you should leave him, maybe you should put it to him you want a future with someone and if he isn't going to give it you then leave....you can't force him to marry you and games aren't going to help.

Personally I'd just stick the cards on the table and say that I want to get married, but I want you to want to marry me and if you still don't feel ready after 12 years then I can't waste any more of my time here...

But personally I think you should be grateful as well. Sorry.

Yet I belive if you really feel this way nothing is going to shake you..so the above would be what I'd do.

WashingTime

Your predicament is understandable and you clearly have a choice to make...

However, this was surely BEFORE you both decided to have a child, sharing responsibility for nurturing and loving a new little person. At that point, you (both) lost the 'get out' card.

I know marriage is something meaningful etc. etc. which you clearly want. Is that a higher priority that giving your child(ren) a loving family home with a good Dad and role model?

If you need to think about that question... then for god sake grow up!

(said in a supportive and a positive way .

conradmum

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

You don't. It's your life. You must do what you want with it. It sounds as though you posted in the hope that you'd get encouragement and support for your position, but you don't actually need other people's approval to live your life as you want.

What I get from your posts is that you feel very uncared-for. Your boyfriend knows how much marriage means to you, yet he won't go ahead with it, and you feel like it's because he doesn't love you enough. We don't know why he won't marry you, but your feelings are real enough.

I think it's fair to say you can be sure he isn't going to change his mind without some drastic change in your lives or your attitudes, as it's been 12 years now. Only you can make the decision whether this is important enough to you to disrupt your children's life by splitting up.

Do be wary of wanting to be married because everyone you know is married and you feel lower status than them. It easily turns into a kind of competition in social circles, along with who has the best wedding ceremony etc. What you don't see is how happy those marriages really are, behind closed doors. A few years down the track people you know will start divorcing - statistically, it's very likely.

Marriage should be because you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, not just for the sake of it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? I don't get that impression from your posts.

Spendless

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

Possibly because as a society we tend to focus on the negative things we don't have, rather than the things we do have and be happy about them. You might leave him because he won't marry you, you may never meet anyone else, you may never meet anyone who wants to marry you. You may marry someone else and this person not be kind to you and so on.

claire16c

dktreesea wrote: »

OP, you've stated your needs; your OH obviously doesn't want to meet them. He's stated his needs and you would appear not to want to meet those needs either. What is the point, beyond the children, of staying together when niether of you meet each others needs?

I agree. If this is important to the OP and the boyfriend doesn't want to get married for no particular reason, then why doesn't he just do it because it makes her happy? If it doesn't mean much to him?

If he's got a reason why he doesn't want to marry her, and is never planning to, then why is he even with her?

OP whe was the last time you outright asked him about it?

paulineb_2

tankgirl78 wrote: »

Why is it so many people think I should be grateful for what I have even though I'm not happy, why should I just force a smile and carry on because hey at least he doesn't hit me!
Marriage to me is much more than just a piece of paper or a big flash day.

I don't see why I should have to keep my feelings to myself through fear of scaring him away.

If you arent happy why do you want to marry him? You have choices.
Stay with him and accept you might never get married. Leave or ask him to leave because he wont marry you.

And as people have already pointed out, your child might affect your decision.

Something like this could actually destroy your relationship, you'll resent him for not wanting to marry you and he'll resent you for being pushed into a wedding hes not sure he wants.

One of my friends is getting married this year. Hes 39, his gf is a couple of years younger and I bet over the years theyve been asked numerous times when are they getting wed, theyve been together a long time. Around 15 years.

If someone does want to marry you, you might need to wait a long time, but that doesnt mean your relationship doesnt matter to him.

pigpen

thorsoak wrote: »

What about your children??? Although at times they can all be the proverbial PIAs, I'll bet you wouldn't be without them !

They had no bearing on the marital status they would have happened regardless. You don't have to be married to have them.