Should I tell her to back off?

Gloomendoom

I send around ten texts a year, if that.

balletshoes

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I send around ten texts a year, if that.

ah well, we don't need to worry about you then Gloomendoom .

lostinrates

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I send around ten texts a year, if that.

Well, my vice is very obviously mse.:o And I post A LOT. But only when dh is otherwise busy. Most of my friends I email but have no issue with calls or texts but for the fact that phones seem to really intrude on people's other interaction. What I love about email is I can send when it suits me and they don't get in the way as much (though less true with smart phones). Similarly, I do not answer phone or texts when socialising. I leave phone on silent and check massages when not in between conversation. I am always a little taken aback when people respond to the buzz or tone of their texts while talking in a disjointed way to one.

System

lostinrates wrote: »

Well, my vice is very obviously mse.:o And I post A LOT. But only when dh is otherwise busy. Most of my friends I email but have no issue with calls or texts but for the fact that phones seem to really intrude on people's other interaction. What I love about email is I can send when it suits me and they don't get in the way as much (though less true with smart phones). Similarly, I do not answer phone or texts when socialising. I leave phone on silent and check massages when not in between conversation. I am always a little taken aback when people respond to the buzz or tone of their texts while talking in a disjointed way to one.

Same here, you can always tell when my bf is here as i'm never on MSE when he is... But when he's not here i'm an MSE addict.

On topic, i think if i found my bf was texting a female 1000+times i'd be a little worried. Mainly cos that's what my ex did and he was up to no good. But i trust him and he's always said if i want to look at his phone i can as he's got nothing to hide, but i've never taken him up on the offer and i think if i did that would tell me there were issues. I'm kind of lucky in a sense that all the people he works with are guys, so unless he's changed sexuality and is having it off with his male collegues i think i'm safe

duggan1

My best friend is a woman, and though we don't text so much these days, the past few years have been difficult for her for various reaons and she would communicate a lot by text when she needs to chat or just vent etc.

She could send 1000 in a day just to me, never mind everyone else. It's less than 2 a minute over 10 hours, easily done.

FizzledOut

13 months ago I posted this - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3788781

When I found messages between the attention seeking pr1ck tease and my husband of 23 years I sent a message to her - dead polite, asking what her reaction would be in my position. She sent a half apologetic, half "how very dare you accuse me" message saying I'd got it all wrong. Except she didn't know I'd seen quite a lot on the messages between them ... Sending that, and the following message saying I could prove she was a liar, filled a deep need in me. Even now, 13 months on, after showing him the door when he refused to stop contact, I actually ache to pick up the phone and tell her the damage she's done. But I know it's really down to my husband .... See, him I love(d), her - she meant nothing at all to me, I was hurting and I wanted to hurt her. But it really doesn't solve anything ...

I will say this, which I hope helps. Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself as you would a dear friend who is going through a hard time. Don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up, give yourself some time to get your head around what has happened, try not to act on impulse. My way of getting through was to write out how I was feeling, all the thoughts and feelings that were spinning inside me and mentally crushing me ... wrote it in my emails as "draft". I look back every now and again to remind myself of just how poo my husband treated me and how far I've progressed.

Stay well, and please don't discount anti-depressants. They got me through the first (hopefully last) Christmas on my own.

trevorsminted

Nodiscount - If he is not already he will end up in bed with this person, dump the cheat now save your sanity, looking up mobiles being suspicious, get a life, meet a nice decent honest human being who texts only you 100 texts a month you are worth more.

If you stick it out with the lying loser then good luck you will always be worrying, discover some self respect!

Mojisola

nodiscount wrote: »

a problem we had earlier in our marriage - 6 years ago - when a colleague of mine fell in love with me. Nothing happened but I hurt my husband a lot by ringing this guy and spending time with him (comeuppance?).

trevorsminted wrote: »

Nodiscount - If he is not already he will end up in bed with this person, dump the cheat now save your sanity, looking up mobiles being suspicious, get a life, meet a nice decent honest human being who texts only you 100 texts a month you are worth more.

If you stick it out with the lying loser then good luck you will always be worrying, discover some self respect!

If her OH had taken this advice when she started spending time with her admirer, he would now be free to see whoever he wanted!

wotsit78

I worked with a guy who I absolutely adored like an older brother, everybody thought we were doing something!! To the extent when I got engaged my father said he thought I would have gone for the guy at work.

To which I replied he has a wife his wife works with us, and me and his wife get on well enough!( and he was 15 yrs my senior)

To which I was told well sorry I never Knew he had a wife you always talk about him!

People sometimes get hold of some facts and form a view

I do have to add that his wife was never concerned it was every body else.

But and I do stress but we never text or rang each other outside of work

It was so funny everyone thought we were up to no good and because he was a jokey guy people missed that he loved his wife

nodiscount

FBaby wrote: »

However odd it might sound, I think you should be grateful you found out about these texts, because it your alarm bell to tell you that you need to wake up...

This is how it so often goes:
- Wife is not happy, although husband fails to understand because he is happy and feels wife has everything to be happy with. Husband is not as sympathetic as wife would wish
- wife retracts into herself, give hubby very little attention
- hubby is sad because he does still very much loves his wife, just wants the happy wife he used to have
- a colleague (not too bad looking either) start to talk about her relationships problems. Hubby likes the attention and that she would want his advice. He provides sympathy and sees it as completely innocent. It isn't about him.
- as colleague starts to open more and more, he finds himself opening up some to her, explaining that things are not great at home. Colleague shows a lot of sympathy and understanding. Colleague starts to have feelings for hubby, hubby is still oblivious.
- colleague goes into mission mode, plays the 'I am all what your wife isn't' game. Hubby is still oblivious
- things at home get worse, hubby starts to make comparisons...
- colleague arrange an 'innocent' meeting, plan for him to have a few drinks...and then confesses her feelings
- hubby suddenly wakes up and gets caught by it all, realises that he has become addicted to these new 'nice feelings'. Hubby is torn apart, but can't say no any longer... the affair starts...

You are now in a position to stop this and that certainly doesn't involve contacting her. Come on, wake up, if she is indeed on a mission to get your hubby, can't you see that you contacting her is giving her the excuse to go up a level? Can't you see her telling your hubby that you contacted her, that she is so sorry that his very paranoid wife got the wrong message, that clearly her depression is getting to her, that she can now understand how hard it must be for him to live with you....

What you need to do is ignore completely. It really has nothing to do with her. It is such a cope out to say that your husband went along with it because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. My partner is like that, also very friendly and opened to anyone, but it would take a couple of irrelevant texts (ie, not work, saying good night, or how are you etc...) for him to ignore them and not respond, and then tell her to stop if she continued.

You need to work on your relationship and show your man that you do love him and care for him. I know it is hard when you are depressed, but think that it is either forcing yourself to do something, or risking losing him -or alternatively becoming paranoid and obsessed which would most likely to a break-up anyway)

As always, (I have read alot of your posts) you are spot on. The red bit is the stage I think it was at. I'm so glad I found out now before it was too late.