Should I tell her to back off?

nodiscount

Hi

I've just found out my OH has been texting a colleague... texting her ALOT.

Some very late at night. In Jan there are nearly 1000 texts to her on his bill. The feb bill has only 195 (in comparison) but she switched to an online message service which doesn't show on bill so I reckon the feb texts are probably as high if not more.

No calls though.

I confronted him. First he lied and said it was nothing. Then I plugged his phone into PC to try and attempt a restore (he deleted everything) so he finally came out and said they are texting each other alot but nothing has happened (yet methinks).
This morning he has told her they will stop texting each other. He says he is very sorry for doing this to me and should not have lied etc.

He said the texts were about religion (she is interested in the religion we follow), her debt problems and her relationship problems - he knows her boyfriend too and helped them get back together after a row.

He also told her about a problem we had earlier in our marriage - 6 years ago - when a colleague of mine fell in love with me. Nothing happened but I hurt my husband a lot by ringing this guy and spending time with him (comeuppance?).

I told my OH I don't mind him having friends and don't mind him helping with her problems (but the texts are excessive) but why the hell did he have to lie about it? You could say he would not have confessed had I not attempted to restore deleted messages.

(He said he deleted messages because I would get the wrong idea.)

I know this all sounds bad and some of you will tell me to get rid but I won't give up on my marriage so easily. It's been 12 years and we have a lovely daughter to think of.

The added worry is that they work on a rota system and she has swapped her shifts to do two nights with him, apparently because she doesn't want to work with a difficult PITA colleague. They will be alone for these shifts while residents sleep. I think she has done this on purpose.

So, should I text this girl and tell her to back off?

dizzyg_2

No, don't text her. Keep it between you and your OH.

If you yourself have previously behaved in a similar way then you should have a good understanding of how is feeling and have every chance to save your marriage.

Do you honestly trust your OH?

LEJC

You open a real can of worms by going to her...

I can see why you want to but your husband should be the one to deal with it not you...if you text her or contact her and ask her to stop communication with him then in a way he may see it that you dont trust him enough to deal with it himself.

I have to say though ...1000 texts is an awful lot to be going to one person whom he claims he is offering guidance to.

System

I think its down to your OH to break the habit and not you.

nodiscount

Argh, it's so hard! I just wanna tell her to f@#k off! My fingers are itching to do it!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

To be honest my OH did this years ago – and I did text the other women, not to tell her to back off but to find out what was going off (I didn’t believe his story fully) and she confirmed what he had told me. I then found out that they was still carrying on so told her to back off – but I also booted his behind also.

peachyprice

nodiscount wrote: »

Argh, it's so hard! I just wanna tell her to f@#k off! My fingers are itching to do it!

Is that what your OH did to the colleague you were having a dalliance with?

Meadows

He is reciprocating with the texts, you need to ask him to stop and that he should tell her to stop.

Do you trust him to work a night shift with this person?

Are you sure you are not feeling insecure because of what happened with you and you feel you can not trust him because of that!

nodiscount

dizzyg wrote: »

No, don't text her. Keep it between you and your OH.

If you yourself have previously behaved in a similar way then you should have a good understanding of how is feeling and have every chance to save your marriage.

Do you honestly trust your OH?

I'm not sure. I'm feeling wounded by the lies if anything.
I can accept he is human (and so is she) therefore they have made a mistake which can hopefully be nipped in the bud before further feelings develop but him lying about it has really hurt me.

He is not a bad bloke. He is a devoted father and a wonderful person. He is kind, well-mannered, thoughtful and quite good looking so I don't blame her if she fancies him.

nodiscount

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

To be honest my OH did this years ago – and I did text the other women, not to tell her to back off but to find out what was going off (I didn’t believe his story fully) and she confirmed what he had told me. I then found out that they was still carrying on so told her to back off – but I also booted his behind also.

Did it work?

Camelina

It sounds like there is a bit of an emotional affair going on tbh which, by all accounts can be more destructive to a marriage than a sexual affair and the fact that texts are deleted hints that maybe the texts are begining to turn to a sexual nature.
I believe the contact between him and her needs to stop,now!
I would want to be like you and tell her to get on her bike but really he has to do it (more for your peace of mind than anything)