Should I tell her to back off?

warehouse

OP, ask him to change shifts so he's not working with this lady. You'll soon know if he's serious or not.

aileth

Just because you did something similar doesn't mean it's suddenly 'okay' for him to do it. Two wrongs never make a right.

Me and my OH never got near 1,000 texts a month when we were courting, even though we were cities apart.

I don't have much helpful advice, except I hope he respects your wishes, and if he says anything like, "Well you did it before", then that is childish and sad.

He needs to respect what you want. If you ask him to stop texting, he should. If you ask him to change shifts, he should. If he refuses, I'd be asking serious questions.

Person_one

nodiscount wrote: »

I'm not sure if she isn't the main problem.

My husband is the type to let people do what they want, don't cause a scene, must evade conflict etc. I know it would be really hard for him to appear impolite and ignore someone or to tell them to back off.
E.g. When I was a twit and started to bask in the attention I was getting from my colleague my husband never once told me off or showed me any emotion about it. He just went along with it and let me get away with it.

Now I'm thinking he is doing the same sort of thing here. Girl is texting him and he is going along with it. No excuse I know but adds context.

I know its easier to blame her, but he knows he's your husband and she doesn't have a gun to his head.

Seriously, Relate!

scooby088

Please listen to what is being said but don't let it rule you, many on here are cynical and want you to see things are happening, for one thing I am a male and if anyone text me as much other than my partner I would have to stop it, you can have conversations like this via text and the text's can mount up over a month.

For me personally I would trust your husband, but I can say it's rich of you to be all angry and upset when only texts have been exchanged, you have done exactly the same thing, in fact you socialised with your suitor, maybe you are reading too much into these texts, you are paranoid as you have done the deed and are seeing this as a sort of revenge on what you did.

You need a full and frank discussion with your husband and get off here because some are feeding your paranoia. Good luck and I hope everything does work out for you.

fannyanna

Stop putting all the blame on this other woman. You need to re-focus and look at your OH and yourself.

By your own admission you come home from work and devote all your time to your ipad. What about your OH?

You said yourself that with your previous situation it was the attention that you enjoyed. Do you think perhaps this is what your OH is now enjoying?

Don't get me wrong I'm not condoning his behaviour and whilst it is tit for tat I can imagine your previous deviance is in some way being used to justify what he's doing.

Maybe you need to take a closer look at your relationship rather than blaming this other woman.

Sorry - I know that's harsh.

nodiscount

aileth wrote: »

Just because you did something similar doesn't mean it's suddenly 'okay' for him to do it. Two wrongs never make a right.

Me and my OH never got near 1,000 texts a month when we were courting, even though we were cities apart.

I don't have much helpful advice, except I hope he respects your wishes, and if he says anything like, "Well you did it before", then that is childish and sad.

He needs to respect what you want. If you ask him to stop texting, he should. If you ask him to change shifts, he should. If he refuses, I'd be asking serious questions.

He is insisting many times that he is not doing this as 'revenge'. He says it just happened; the texts got more and more excessive and he should have nipped it in the bud but didn't which he regrets now.
He did admit he liked the excitement of talking to a new person. I can understand this.
The shift thing may not be so easy. He can't demand a shift change, he can ask but ultimately its up to the employer.

dizzyg_2

nodiscount wrote: »

I'm not sure if she isn't the main problem.

E.g. When I was a twit and started to bask in the attention I was getting from my colleague my husband never once told me off or showed me any emotion about it. He just went along with it and let me get away with it.

OP, did your husband ever tell you how this made him feel at all?

And I know this probably sounds like a daft question, but what is making you feel sad? That he lied to you? That he is communicating with another women? That you may loose him?

nodiscount

dizzyg wrote: »

OP, did your husband ever tell you how this made him feel at all?

And I know this probably sounds like a daft question, but what is making you feel sad? That he lied to you? That he is communicating with another women? That you may loose him?

No. At the time he never said anything. He is quite a quiet person (which is why 1000 texts is very strange!).

Like I said earlier; I'm not so much hurt by the talking, texting and all that. Mistakes happen and we are only human. What is killing me is that he lied and denied until I plugged his phone in to attempt to restore deleted messages. That's what made him finally come out with it.

Metranil_Vavin

OP this situation happened to me some years ago too, not with my current OH but with a guy I had been living with for some years.

He became very secretive with his phone, which would be pinging and buzzing late at night. I eventually got suspicious and managed to get hold of his phone one day, and lo and behold..a load of text messages to a girl, and replies from her which were at best 'suggestive'.

I confronted him, he came up with a load of excuses including trying to deny it - doh..I'd seen the messages, then saying she was just an old friend he'd got back in touch with recently, the messages didn't mean anything blah blah. Promised it'd stop etc.

Guess What. it didn't. It carried on only he 'tried' to be smart and change her name in his phonebook to a '.', then obviously realised this was highly suspicious and so changed her name to his best friend's, only with a small 't' rather than a capital. What a genius.

I think the fact he was still fibbing to me and thinking he was being clever/I was stupid got to me even more, and I didn't enjoy the feeling of paranoia and suspicion that was growinf inside of me at all.

I also didn't like the fact that I felt compelled to snoop on his phone, and felt sick/upset whenever I heard it ping and actually it all got really horrible so I got rid of him eventually.

Not what you want to hear I know as I suspect you want to hear that you should trust him/it'll be ok etc, which it may well be, but just be prepared to feel paranoid and upset until such times as you 100% trust him again.

I never got back to that, and probably for us (we weren't married or had kids, thank god) it was symptomatic of the fact our r'ship was slowly dying anyway.

I hope you get some resolution.

dizzyg_2

nodiscount wrote: »

No. At the time he never said anything. He is quite a quiet person (which is why 1000 texts is very strange!).

Like I said earlier; I'm not so much hurt by the talking, texting and all that. Mistakes happen and we are only human. What is killing me is that he lied and denied until I plugged his phone in to attempt to restore deleted messages. That's what made him finally come out with it.

You really need to sit down with your OH and have a very honest conversation. Ask him how he felt at the time and how he feels about your relationship now. I really get the impression that there is no communication between the two of you and if you are serious about saving your marriage then give relate a call.