Should I tell her to back off?

Seanymph

You want to blame her - he is the 'poor misled man'.

Wise up.

nodiscount

Are any posts on here written by men? Not being ungrateful to the 'sisters' but would like to know what the mix is.

podperson

I agree I wouldn't be texting her, it's your OH that is the problem here. If he told her to lay off with the texting or even just stopped sending so many back to her then it wouldn't be a problem would it? Whether you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he's just been 'advising' her or if you do think there's something more then he's the one who's encouraging her by responding and allowing it to continue.
I would say that he needs to take responsibility for it and if he's not prepared to stop it when he know it's upsetting you then that's a bigger issue.

Joons

Ok, surely this is not tit for tat, you did it so now I'm doing it, nahnahnahnahnah - c'mon, what you did shud not be giving him the green light to basically hurt you in return. 1000 texts a month is ridiculous and as has been said, that's nothing to do with him being a nice guy and not wanting to offend, handy excuse that but anyone with a brain won't wear it. If he had been honest with you and you knew they were friends then fine, but sending 1000 texts and not telling you what is going on is not fine, you appear to have an issue here of trust and respect. Okay, he's made a mistake, he needs to rectify it and I'm afraid, if it was me, there'd be non contact between them now, it's just not ringing true re them being just friends.

Joons

And I wouldn't be contacting her either, why shud you, it's up to your OH to put her in the picture, you'll just look desperate and like ure doing his dirty work, that he created remember.

balletshoes

nodiscount wrote: »

Hi

I've just found out my OH has been texting a colleague... texting her ALOT.

Some very late at night. In Jan there are nearly 1000 texts to her on his bill. The feb bill has only 195 (in comparison) but she switched to an online message service which doesn't show on bill so I reckon the feb texts are probably as high if not more.

No calls though.

I confronted him. First he lied and said it was nothing. Then I plugged his phone into PC to try and attempt a restore (he deleted everything) so he finally came out and said they are texting each other alot but nothing has happened (yet methinks).
This morning he has told her they will stop texting each other. He says he is very sorry for doing this to me and should not have lied etc.

He said the texts were about religion (she is interested in the religion we follow), her debt problems and her relationship problems - he knows her boyfriend too and helped them get back together after a row.

He also told her about a problem we had earlier in our marriage - 6 years ago - when a colleague of mine fell in love with me. Nothing happened but I hurt my husband a lot by ringing this guy and spending time with him (comeuppance?).

I told my OH I don't mind him having friends and don't mind him helping with her problems (but the texts are excessive) but why the hell did he have to lie about it? You could say he would not have confessed had I not attempted to restore deleted messages.

(He said he deleted messages because I would get the wrong idea.)

I know this all sounds bad and some of you will tell me to get rid but I won't give up on my marriage so easily. It's been 12 years and we have a lovely daughter to think of.

The added worry is that they work on a rota system and she has swapped her shifts to do two nights with him, apparently because she doesn't want to work with a difficult PITA colleague. They will be alone for these shifts while residents sleep. I think she has done this on purpose.

So, should I text this girl and tell her to back off?

You've been in this situation - how would you have felt 6 years ago if your OH had text your collegue to tell him to back off? Be honest with yourself. That should give you your answer as to whether you should text your OH's colleague.

HeadAboveWater

I wouldn't text the girl either. But I would be having a very serious chat with OH. As someone said earlier, emotional 'cheating' can be a lot more damaging than physical. And why has he not told you until you confronted him if it was so innocent? Personally I do think it's a betrayal of trust.

A friend of mine opened her hubbies phone bill - £400+. The next months was about the same. All to one girl. I do believe the guy when he said he never 'cheated' in the physical way, but THAT amount of communication with someone other than your OH?? That's not right!!

If he is the sort of person who likes to 'help' friends out and text, then by all means. But make sure and talk about what is and isn't acceptable between you and him. I'm sure there will be lines that you each would not want the other to cross. Find out what works for you both.

balletshoes

nodiscount wrote: »

I'm not sure if she isn't the main problem.

My husband is the type to let people do what they want, don't cause a scene, must evade conflict etc. I know it would be really hard for him to appear impolite and ignore someone or to tell them to back off.
E.g. When I was a twit and started to bask in the attention I was getting from my colleague my husband never once told me off or showed me any emotion about it. He just went along with it and let me get away with it.

Now I'm thinking he is doing the same sort of thing here. Girl is texting him and he is going along with it. No excuse I know but adds context.

so whats to stop another female, then another, then another, doing the same thing with your OH in future?

This girl is not the problem - the problem is with your OH. Stop making excuses for him.

nodiscount

balletshoes wrote: »

You've been in this situation - how would you have felt 6 years ago if your OH had text your collegue to tell him to back off? Be honest with yourself. That should give you your answer as to whether you should text your OH's colleague.

I think it would have been a good idea actually. It would have reminded the other guy to back off a married woman (even though I should have done that) and would have signalled to me that my husband is very annoyed and is asserting his authority.

nodiscount

podperson wrote: »

I agree I wouldn't be texting her, it's your OH that is the problem here. If he told her to lay off with the texting or even just stopped sending so many back to her then it wouldn't be a problem would it? Whether you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he's just been 'advising' her or if you do think there's something more then he's the one who's encouraging her by responding and allowing it to continue.
I would say that he needs to take responsibility for it and if he's not prepared to stop it when he know it's upsetting you then that's a bigger issue.

He said it will stop. He said he has phoned her today to tell her this.

I don't know if I can trust him now though