Should I tell her to back off?

Errata

He said the texts were about religion (she is interested in the religion we follow), her debt problems and her relationship problems - he knows her boyfriend too and helped them get back together after a row.

It sounds like his ego needs less exercise and more dieting.

balletshoes

nodiscount wrote: »

I think it would have been a good idea actually. It would have reminded the other guy to back off a married woman (even though I should have done that) and would have signalled to me that my husband is very annoyed and is asserting his authority.

Hmm - I think you both need to go to Relate - as neither of you seems particularly good at just saying No to colleagues, and you each should be responsible for asserting your authority over relationships outside your partnership.

If I believe the most innocent version of events, 6 years ago you got involved too much with a male colleague, and right now your OH is doing the same with a female colleague. Neither of these involvements have done/are doing your relationship any good, and yet neither of you have enough balls and respect for each other to nip it in the bud by yourself.

Joons

You can't trust him right now no, but give it time, if he's done that, good, sure you can both get thru this.

balletshoes

nodiscount wrote: »

He said it will stop. He said he has phoned her today to tell her this.

I don't know if I can trust him now though

so tell your OH this - this is your issue with him, not her.

duchy

If you still feel insecure -and their friendship is in part about your religion - why not invite her around for a meal -you might feel a lot more comfortable knowing her -and letting her see what a solid marriage you have (and no chance of your husband getting away with "it's a marriage in name only or some such nonsense)

nodiscount

duchy wrote: »

If you still feel insecure -and their friendship is in part about your religion - why not invite her around for a meal -you might feel a lot more comfortable knowing her -and letting her see what a solid marriage you have (and no chance of your husband getting away with "it's a marriage in name only or some such nonsense)

I did consider this but I'm not sure in case it back fires. I don't want to 'validate' their improper friendship.

Plus, I have no doubt that she fancies the pants off him.

Mojisola

nodiscount wrote: »

He also told her about a problem we had earlier in our marriage - 6 years ago - when a colleague of mine fell in love with me. Nothing happened but I hurt my husband a lot by ringing this guy and spending time with him (comeuppance?).

nodiscount wrote: »

It's fine but his night shifts mean sometimes we are like ships that sail past each other.

I also have an Ipad addiction that I need to sort out e.g. I come home from work and like to unwind alone with ipad. Don't want to talk to anybody.

I also don't like to go out much because I am an extreme money-saver and find cinemas et all too expensive.

If you both want to save the marriage, you need to get some joint counselling and then you also need help with your addiction.

It sounds as if you almost live separate lives. Do you support each other emotionally, spend time doing things together (even if that means spending money!), share your problems and so on?

Macca83_2

Ok, Im gonna play the other side of the coin. Just to get a balanced discussion.

You, by your own admission disappear off with your ipad each night. You don't want to speak to anyone. You've allowed a crush to get way out of hand. You reciprocated his texts and phone calls. How do you think your husband would have felt? You forced your husband into a corner by threatening to restore his text messages. Is this perhaps why he deleted them in the first place because he knew how you'd react?

Im not blaming anyone here. Im just looking to change the perspective on the problem.

Joons

nodiscount wrote: »

I did consider this but I'm not sure in case it back fires. I don't want to 'validate' their improper friendship.

Plus, I have no doubt that she fancies the pants off him.

I don't see the point of this at all, again, it just makes you look desperate, you wouldn't invite her round on any other occasion so why now - to say, look me and OH are solid, when you clearly are not - right now.

balletshoes

nodiscount wrote: »

Plus, I have no doubt that she fancies the pants off him.

that doesn't mean she gets to have him - your OH does get a say in that you know!