Should I tell her to back off?

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

Sounds good to me too, I don't think it will take years for you to trust him again, it may only take a few months. He's lucky you're being so reasonable actually, you're allowing him still to be friends with this woman, that doesn't constitute 1000 texts so just wait and see what happens, hopefully that's the end of it.

nodiscount - How long did it take him to trust you again after your dalliance?

scooby088

What has been offered as a solution is reasonable to me, but anyone should realise the boundaries when in a relationship anyway. Have friends of both sexes but don't let it get too personal.

nodiscount

Mojisola wrote: »

nodiscount - How long did it take him to trust you again after your dalliance?

I don't know. I never lied to him about any of it. After contact was cut to other guy husband and I then tried for a baby and I thought it was forgotten but perhaps not because this is one of the things he opened up to her about.

HeadAboveWater

Sounds like there's still a lot of communication needed between you both. He should maybe open up more (with you!!) about what happened in the past, how it made him feel. Listen to him. Try to understand. Then you tell him how this has made you feel. Let him understand. But communicate!!!

Poolshark

Hi nodiscount,

I have never posted before on this site, but felt compelled to respond to you. In answer to your earlier question about men replying, I am a married man with kids in my late thirties..

Firstly, I apologise for being so blunt but it's the only way - I am not trying to offend you.

Your husband is and has been lying. Sorry.

Rather than looking at the situation subjectively, you need to look at it objectively. Once you have done that, then you can decide what you want to do about it. Think of yourself as a detective 'fact finding' not as a defence barrister where you need to justify someone's behaviour.

The facts are -

1. He has text her 1000 times. A thousand times! To give you an idea of how often that is..3 texts an hour for 12 hours of being awake every day of the week. A text every 20 mins, every day....
2. He has lied about it and lied about covering it up. It doesn't matter about the explanation, so stop defending him.
3. He is pretending to not notice her affection. HE could have asked her not to change shifts. He didn't. HE could have nto replied to some messaged. He didn't. He could have talked about it with you. He didn't. Etc etc.
4. Your indiscretion 6 years ago has no bearing on this whatsoever. When a mistake is made, you either forgive and forget, or you don't. It can be a struggle to do this of course, but those are the only options. You can't 'forgive a bit, for a while then bring it up later when it suits' That is what we call ' a failed relationship'. Were you stupid 6 years ago making that mistake? Only you know that, but if it is in the past and forgiven, then it is forgiven.

I am not casting aspersions on your husband - I am stating facts to you. if you want to forgive, then please go ahead and forgive and I wish you all the best.

If you can't or won't forgive, then the relationship is effectively over.(whether you want it to be or not).

The problem here, is we let emotions confuse reality. If this was a TV show, we would all agree the man was a liar and not to be trusted.

If he really is a great guy, then he'll behave like one. He'll do something to prove it too like...

1. Offer to look for another job and ask for your help to do it
2. Immediately stop all contact wiht this woman. Not just some contact - all contact.
3. Grow up
4. Make a real effort with you and tell you why he felt compelled to text her. Company? Loneliness?

One final comment for you. An iPad is a glass and plastic box. That's it. You're not 11, and it's not a way of life. it is not 'amazing', nor is it ' your life' and you do not have an 'addiction' to it - you lack discipline and self control.

Prove you mean business, by putting it in the loft for 7 days. Guess what? You'll live. If anyone needs to contact you - you have a phone. They can also do that old fashioned thing of visiting or taking you for a coffee.

Marriage is something to be worked at together, not with one person seeking solace with a woman who fancies him, and a wife who is more interested in other peoples status updates on Facebook, than her husband.

Like I said, sorry to be blunt.

Your husband is still lying, so you need to deal with that first. Walking out is always an option - a wake up call is often much more effective than you might think particularly if you dont mean it. it focuses his mind, makes him think straight, priorities and ostracises him in front of friends and family. NOT a decision to be taken lightly, or purely to humiliate (not nice), but it is an option...


I hope that little rant was of some help to you.

Poolshark

I meant I am in my late thirties, not my kids!....

FizzledOut

I would definitely put the "time together" right at the top of the list (you know, Mormons have a date night for married couples so they can still maintain a conversation without kids. Just an fyi) .... And for me any and all relationship between him and her would have to go - not in a "right, no more or else" mode, but in a "do you think it would be nice to invite her over to dinner" mode. She wants a best friend to talk to - well, matey, you and him come as a couple! No more intimate little texts and photos between just them two. Play it cool and suggest you all go out for a drink or something - and see what your husbands reaction is. Any more texts from her suggest his reply should be - my wife thinks that's really funny. Or here's something my wife said, or a pic my wife took. Time to step up and take centre stage again in his life.
Try and not see this as being a selfish thing you're doing, this isn't like a dog marking its territory or anything. My husband gets to wake up in someone elses spare room and look in a mirror and know he's a cheating, lying, spineless !!!!!!. You're saving your husband from that. Your taking steps to ensure your daughter doesn't grow up as a single parent family. This isn't just about you.