Should I tell her to back off?

lostinrates

dktreesea wrote: »

Is it though? Strictly speaking, the OH doesn't have a problem. He's just got a close friend at work who happens to be female. The one with the problem is the OP, who doesn't seem to want her husband to have close friends of the opposite sex.

Tbh, I'd be frustrated if a partner of mine were contacting anyone a thousand times a month plus the time they spend in work together. I think many people would. Female, male, even most the tightest of apron strings mothers don't tend to have contact with sons thirty plus times a day!!! I would even suggest it might be unhealthy if dh and I were texting thirty times plus a day, and we don't see each other four nights a week.

dktreesea

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbh, I'd be frustrated if a partner of mine were contacting anyone a thousand times a month plus the time they spend in work together. I think many people would. Female, male, even most the tightest of apron strings mothers don't tend to have contact with sons thirty plus times a day!!! I would even suggest it might be unhealthy if dh and I were texting thirty times plus a day, and we don't see each other four nights a week.

Fair enough, but the difference in this case is that the OP's OH and his female friend, who obviously, from the level of communication, are fond enough of each other as friends to want to continue the friendship out of work are, at the same time, constrained as to how they can do that.

With you and your dh, for example, you probably spend a lot of private time together as a couple in a non working situation, face to face. I wouldn't be texting my partner a lot either if he were away from the house. Same with parents; people who want to see their parents can pop in to visit or phone. There's no nosy person trying to listen into such conversations, to find out what is going on.

I've had a lot of close male friends from work over the years, some who remain my friend to this day. I've always made it really clear to them, I am their friend and their friend alone, not their wife's and not their family's. One wife even sent her 16 year old son along once to our workplace to check out his "bevy of female friends". His dad wasn't best pleased to see him. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall to hear what was reported back.

dktreesea

londonsurrey wrote: »

There's no point in contacting her. Even if you do get her to back off, you will just end up with a man whose potential bit on the side you chased off.

This will then be a man who hasn't addressed the issues, and will probably go after the next loose knickered character who throws herself at him, be it in 6 months or 10 years' time, depending on how thick of the ground such characters are in his world.

Surely what you want is to keep a man who is grown up enough to decide what he wants, and be able to control his own behaviour accordingly, rather than whining, "Yeah, but it's only talking (behind your back)/meeting/not full sex", and to chuck out anyone with less stringent morals?

Do you seriously think every guy who is friends with a female who is not his partner is just doing it for sex? What exactly is wrong with people having friends of the opposite sex?

londonsurrey

dktreesea wrote: »

Do you seriously think every guy who is friends with a female who is not his partner is just doing it for sex? What exactly is wrong with people having friends of the opposite sex?

Of course not. Note that I factored in the "behind her back" factor.

candygirl

dktreesea wrote: »

Do you seriously think every guy who is friends with a female who is not his partner is just doing it for sex? What exactly is wrong with people having friends of the opposite sex?

yea but texting 30+ times a day, seems to be more than "just friends" in my opinion

Heffi1

I think I would be more concerned in what was being said in the texts rather than how many. It 'could' be very innocent, or not, if you have not read them how will you know.

Would your OH let you read them or are they deleted as soon as they are read?

heartbreak_star

I can very easily clock up 2000-3000 texts a month, to friends of both sexes. They're free, so that's how we communicate.

My OH understands I get on better with men that women. Hell, I loved him for years before we got together so he's stuck with me now haha!

HBS x

lostinrates

dktreesea wrote: »

Fair enough, but the difference in this case is that the OP's OH and his female friend, who obviously, from the level of communication, are fond enough of each other as friends to want to continue the friendship out of work are, at the same time, constrained as to how they can do that.

With you and your dh, for example, you probably spend a lot of private time together as a couple in a non working situation, face to face. I wouldn't be texting my partner a lot either if he were away from the house. Same with parents; people who want to see their parents can pop in to visit or phone. There's no nosy person trying to listen into such conversations, to find out what is going on.

I've had a lot of close male friends from work over the years, some who remain my friend to this day. I've always made it really clear to them, I am their friend and their friend alone, not their wife's and not their family's. One wife even sent her 16 year old son along once to our workplace to check out his "bevy of female friends". His dad wasn't best pleased to see him. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall to hear what was reported back.

With respect, I totally disagree.

I have male friends, my husband has female friends, and we have friends of the same sex. Prolonged contact over a period of time with this frequency with ANYONE would be intrusive and a boundary issue in our relationship. My feelings are that while in this instance it's clear there are issues about sex of the friend, there really do not have to be for it to be an issue.

My husband and I are in touch through the day and week, via email mainly, but we bounce one back and forward with everything from 'morning beloved' to 'do you know where the bank statement from march is, not in file' in them, and there are not thirty very often! Mainly we speak on the phone twice a day, and have Friday night to Monday morning together, When we lived together our evenings at home not socialising were times we considered 'ours'. Any sort of contact of that volume by ANY form of communication risks being incredibly intrusive, unbalanced and even not very 'healthy' for both participants....all in situations presuming there is no relationship beyond friendship.

dktreesea

lostinrates wrote: »

With respect, I totally disagree.

I have male friends, my husband has female friends, and we have friends of the same sex. Prolonged contact over a period of time with this frequency with ANYONE would be intrusive and a boundary issue in our relationship. My feelings are that while in this instance it's clear there are issues about sex of the friend, there really do not have to be for it to be an issue.

My husband and I are in touch through the day and week, via email mainly, but we bounce one back and forward with everything from 'morning beloved' to 'do you know where the bank statement from march is, not in file' in them, and there are not thirty very often! Mainly we speak on the phone twice a day, and have Friday night to Monday morning together, When we lived together our evenings at home not socialising were times we considered 'ours'. Any sort of contact of that volume by ANY form of communication risks being incredibly intrusive, unbalanced and even not very 'healthy' for both participants....all in situations presuming there is no relationship beyond friendship.

At the same time, he is free to be a "single man" in his relationships during the week, as you are in yours. Not many relationships strike that kind of balance.

People have different needs. Men who work, particularly those who work long hours or shift hours and want children, usually acquire a wife along the way who is also looking to have children. It doesn't then follow that they will drop all ideas of being their own person in exchange to being joined at the hip to a control freak who wants to be in charge of who they are friends with and how they communicate/see those friends.

I wouldn't put up with a husband who wanted to know anything and everything about who I chose to spend my time with, even just texting at home. 30 texts a day isn't much at all. I've got teenagers who seem to be able to have several conversations going at once when they are texting. 30 texts is more like what they would get through in an hour or two, let alone a whole day.

lostinrates

dktreesea wrote: »

At the same time, he is free to be a "single man" in his relationships during the week, as you are in yours. Not many relationships strike that kind of balance.

People have different needs. Men who work, particularly those who work long hours or shift hours and want children, usually acquire a wife along the way who is also looking to have children. It doesn't then follow that they will drop all ideas of being their own person in exchange to being joined at the hip to a control freak who wants to be in charge of who they are friends with and how they communicate/see those friends.

I wouldn't put up with a husband who wanted to know anything and everything about who I chose to spend my time with, even just texting at home. 30 texts a day isn't much at all. I've got teenagers who seem to be able to have several conversations going at once when they are texting. 30 texts is more like what they would get through in an hour or two, let alone a whole day.

Most teenagers have a different balance of life and work reaponsibilty to working parents! They don't have kids to squeeze in quality time with, or partners to spend time with FTP nurture the relationships, plus I think a key element is while thirty texts to a group of teenage friends is not so frightful, thirty plus to ONE friend in most working parents schedule is considerable.


As to my husband, I get the far better deal, sadly for him. . He is still in the office tonight, next week he is going to be in three countries in four days with a punishing work schedule. I am in the unusual position of often finding myself pleading with him to schedule in nights out with friends occasionallymid week...but that is irrelevant to op!

I think you strike exactly the same as me with the 'own person' comment though. And there are limits to the balance of this that can be maintained in various exclusive relationships and friendships. A single friend who you are both working with and we presume some of that is communication time for them to have struck up a nice friendship that need not be suspicious, and spending so much time communicating with could well be a drain on that balance.