Should I tell her to back off?

System

What are we missing?!??!?!?!

People dont always see it as we do.:(

I'd be mortified if i knew the man i love had been putting xxx's on the end of messages/emails/texts. Its too flirty for me to be comfortable with.

heartbreak_star

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

Bingo! That's the exact same convo I had with OH!!! OH had the same response when I asked him!! Said that because I was in a relationship I shouldn't be sending 'x'. But yet it's ok for him to receive texts with 'x'?????

What are we missing?!??!?!?!

Men are weird? :rotfl:

HBS x

HeadAboveWater

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Men are weird? :rotfl:

Ah! The words 'nail' and 'head' springs to mind :rotfl:

dktreesea

londonsurrey wrote: »

Of course not. Note that I factored in the "behind her back" factor.

But that's the thing. Our whole lives, except for when we are actually with our OH, are carried on behind each other's back. The only way I would know what happened in my OH's day or evening, if I wasn't around, is if he mentioned it to me.

Exclusivity doesn't, for me, preclude deep friendships with the opposite sex for either of us. Of course there are risks. Maybe, just maybe, one or the both of us meet someone we would rather be with. But you can't put a shackle and chain on a person, even if they are your exclusive partner.

I've seen a few relationships fail over the years, because someone got into the space of "where are you going? Where have you been/ Why wasn't I invited/ Who did you go with? Who are you talking to/texting/spending time with when you should be with me?" etc etc. Not everyone can take that kind of possessiveness.

scooby088

I think anyone with any sense here wouldn't text someone in excess of a thousand times, in relationship or out of one. Maybe it was a shoulder to cry on, I would have to tell the person texting me to stop as it was distracting me away from my family and my partner. Plus also I can see how putting xxx at the end of a text could give the wrong opinion if anyone does that with me apart from my partner I never put xxx after a text or email.

londonsurrey

dktreesea wrote: »

But that's the thing. Our whole lives, except for when we are actually with our OH, are carried on behind each other's back. The only way I would know what happened in my OH's day or evening, if I wasn't around, is if he mentioned it to me.

We obviously have different types of relationships and how open we are with our OHs.

I naturally don't mention every interaction, but if I were spending a significant amount of time or effort on someone, I would mention it to my OH.

I don't think the matter of full disclosure would even come up, as it would be superseded by a natural desire on my part to mention/discuss something that was taking up a notable part of my time with my OH.

And this is as a matter of course, would be my normal behaviour towards my OH. In the OP's case, it's been escalated up a couple of notches, whereby she's
- voiced her concern about the high volume of texts
- been lied to
- proved him wrong

And he's STILL not done anything proactive to reassure her, like asking the other woman (who's obviously friendly and so can be asked favours) to not share a night shift with him.

I wouldn't be impressed. But yes, I can see that we are different in what we find acceptable, so that's fair enough.

nodiscount

He has told her that the texts need to stop. She then waited until she knew I wouldn't be around i.e. when he left for his shift at work. Luckily she wasn't rota'd in for that shift so that was a relief.
She said along lines of (the spelling mistakes are hers):

it's been so hard not textin you all day, been scared to, not sure if you will text me bac ...feel like I lost ma bestest friend I tell ya everything n feel like I can't....you picked me up wen i was down made me giggle and now u just gone i would never cum (sic) between you and your family blah blah

(retch retch).

Yeah. Whatever.

Anyway, we are working though this. Like I said, so glad I found out now.

(why does the word 'c u m' get blanked out? weird.)

fedup.com_2

Hello I too know 1st hand how destructive secret texting to a colleague of the opposite sex can be.
In late 2010 I checked our mobile bill and found out that my ex husband had been texting another person, I phoned him at work and text the number at the same time.
Husband came straight home from work with an excuse that it was a woman from work that it was totally innocent all work related blah blah blah, until I told him that work finished at 5pm so why was he texting her at 2 in the morning. He had no answer and could see the hurt in my face. Still trying to convince me it was work related meant nothing.

After work that night he went to stay with his parents his choice to think things over. He never came home. He started a full relationship with the ow never giving us a chance to try and work things out. He was staying over the ow home within 2 weeks. 22 years marriage gone.
When I look back now I noticed that his phone became glued to him was on silent I never once heard or saw him text or phone anybody.

Upshot is now our children don't see dad he keeps breaking contact with him, he lives with the ow, still insists nothing went on till after he left. We have lost close friends , his parents and family all still believe the lies that they have been told. I have no doubt that he has told everyone that he was unhappy , I didn't love him etc shame he couldn't tell me. When I asked what was on the texts and picture messages I was gold it wAs silly jokes and photos of them pulling faces. He thought I was so stupid. But he believes his own lies now. He was sending over 150 text. To this woman on a daily basis yet I had no idea. At 1st I blamed her as my husband wasn't that kind of man now I pity her. As their relationship started on a lid they both no what the other is capable off.

I have seen him when he sees the children but he can't look me in the eye and he has never once asked his children to meet her or her children the people that he lives with. She don't work with him now as she was let go when everything kicked off. Sometimes I want them to be happy then least the pain would have been worth it. Emotional affairs damage not just the marriage but all family relationships that are in loved. Very sad.

Gloomendoom

nodiscount wrote: »

Anyway, we are working though this. Like I said, so glad I found out now.

Can't you just stick the sim card in the bin?

londonsurrey

nodiscount wrote: »

(why does the word 'c u m' get blanked out? weird.)

Ummm, I would advise you to google the word.