Should I tell her to back off?

londonsurrey

fedup.com wrote: »

Hello I too know 1st hand how destructive secret texting to a colleague of the opposite sex can be.
... But he believes his own lies now.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2292952/Vicky-Pryces-vengeful-rage-I-understand-I-woman-scorned--drove-close-madness-says-deserted-wife-Yasmin-Alibhai-Brown.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

This article mentions a similar thing where the husband just wouldn't accept responsibility.

victory

londonsurrey wrote: »

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2292952/Vicky-Pryces-vengeful-rage-I-understand-I-woman-scorned--drove-close-madness-says-deserted-wife-Yasmin-Alibhai-Brown.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

This article mentions a similar thing where the husband just wouldn't accept responsibility.

Crumbs just read the link that is some pain she went through, very well written, I wouldn't wish what she went through on my worst enemy

fedup.com_2

I've just read that article and I agree. The pain and confusion that you feel is awful. I trusted my husband completely had no reason not to. But when it comes out the truth I felt I was suffocating in my own pain.

It took me well over a year to feel a little bit normal but its out children that I feel for. The dad they knew has long gone, the man that would die for them no longer exists. He lets them down fills them with lies and promises that are never kept. It breaks my heart to see their pain when family of his walk past them without blinking an eye in the local shops. When friends that have stood by my husband whom my children have known all their lives also walk straight past them. If he no longer loved me then fine go and be happy elsewhere but your children should always come 1st and in my case the OW isn't 20 years younger than him she is a good 5 years older.

candygirl

It looks like he's befriended a dyslexic limpet:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:I seriously hope he can extricate himself from this potentially damaging scenario:(:(

Joons

I read that story in the mail, my god talk about a good example of drowning in your own misery, this woman I hope has now realised that she can actually function without her husband!

nodiscount

I feel a bit bruised today even though it looks as though we are moving through it.

She texted again last night (again waited until she knew I wouldn't be around). He showed me the texts and they look pretty benign (provided he hasn't deleted any :eek:)

He asked me if I want him to leave work. I said no.

I asked if he would block her number. He said no because it would make things awkward at work. I can understand this.

She has moved her night shifts back to another shift. Still don't know if she swapped them initially in order to be with him.

I don't mind him being friends with her but I don't know if they can roll back to this. They were addicted to texting each other which points to the friendship going too far.

To move forward I'm thinking of ground rules:

1. No texts in middle of night, between 10 pm and 9 am

2. Avoiding shifts when they will be alone together (he did say they don't talk 'deep' in person but still).

3. I need to see that he doesn't carry his phone around like its another limb. He has already stopped doing this.

Ground rules for me:

1. Pay him more attention, be more receptive to his needs, make more "small talk".

2. Try not to go into stalker mode (This is very hard).

3. Need to learn to trust him again.

4. Have more fun with him.

Thoughts?

jayII

What does he think?

On the whole it all looks very reasonable and sensible from you, but does he think he needs to look for a different job, or can he manage to keep his emotional distance from her if he stays there?

Personally I'd struggle if I knew my OH was seeing the other woman frequently after what's gone on between them. (I'd accept the situation but it would make me very anxious.)

I'd suggest prioritising the 'have fun' bit at this point to ensure his head is full of happy memories of you and your child, rather than happy thoughts of the other woman.

LisaLou1982

Just my 2p worth - and ive been there so i do know how you feel.

If you force him to make a decision, you will make him resent you.
It wont be easy to trust him again - it will take time.
It sounds like he wants to make you trust him - make sure he realises this could take YEARS
Tell him he needs to tell her to BACK OFF in no uncertain terms. Otherwise you will do it.

HeadAboveWater

Sounds good nodiscount Agree with both of the above posters too.

Joons

Sounds good to me too, I don't think it will take years for you to trust him again, it may only take a few months. He's lucky you're being so reasonable actually, you're allowing him still to be friends with this woman, that doesn't constitute 1000 texts so just wait and see what happens, hopefully that's the end of it.