Should I tell her to back off?

dizzyg_2

Understand you don't want this thread to be about your depression. Last comment I make on it, promise

I very nearly ended things with my partner just before I got help and so much of what you have said describes exactly the way I felt a few months ago.

From socialising with friends to having that 'happy' feeling that things for me are pretty good, and I couldn't see that my moods were effecting so many parts of my life.

Just facing up to the fact I needed help made an immediate difference to my mindset. It was like a switch going of in my head that unlocked that part of me that gives me hope for the future and happiness with my life as it is now.

In three months my relationship has completely turned around and I am truely happy on a daily basis (well almost).


As for the girl in work, tell your OH how it is making you feel and see if there is a way for him to reassure you there is nothing to worry about.

I second finding something for you and your OH to enjoy together, we prefer shooting zombies on the Xbox to the playstation though

Pollycat

nodiscount wrote: »

It's fine but his night shifts mean sometimes we are like ships that sail past each other. I also have an Ipad addiction that I need to sort out e.g. I come home from work and like to unwind alone with ipad. Don't want to talk to anybody. I also don't like to go out much because I am an extreme money-saver and find cinemas et all too expensive.

nodiscount wrote: »

I know this all sounds bad and some of you will tell me to get rid but I won't give up on my marriage so easily. It's been 12 years and we have a lovely daughter to think of.

What does your daughter do (from an old post she's younger than 6 years old) when you come home from work and spend time on your ipad?

If your husband works nights, who's spending time with your daughter when you're on your ipad?

You don't want to talk to anybody? Not even your young daughter?

You may wish to deal with your depression yourself but do you really think you are being fair on your child?

I think you sound incredibly selfish and self-absorbed.

victory

Why does every thread have to resort to name calling?

Anyway true this should not turn into a thread about your depression as the question was what to do about the woman your OH is texting, you have to make him believe you are doing your upmost to deal with your issues and talk to him, interact, being with him, make him feel loved, cared for.

FBaby

However odd it might sound, I think you should be grateful you found out about these texts, because it your alarm bell to tell you that you need to wake up...

This is how it so often goes:
- Wife is not happy, although husband fails to understand because he is happy and feels wife has everything to be happy with. Husband is not as sympathetic as wife would wish
- wife retracts into herself, give hubby very little attention
- hubby is sad because he does still very much loves his wife, just wants the happy wife he used to have
- a colleague (not too bad looking either) start to talk about her relationships problems. Hubby likes the attention and that she would want his advice. He provides sympathy and sees it as completely innocent. It isn't about him.
- as colleague starts to open more and more, he finds himself opening up some to her, explaining that things are not great at home. Colleague shows a lot of sympathy and understanding. Colleague starts to have feelings for hubby, hubby is still oblivious.
- colleague goes into mission mode, plays the 'I am all what your wife isn't' game. Hubby is still oblivious
- things at home get worse, hubby starts to make comparisons...
- colleague arrange an 'innocent' meeting, plan for him to have a few drinks...and then confesses her feelings
- hubby suddenly wakes up and gets caught by it all, realises that he has become addicted to these new 'nice feelings'. Hubby is torn apart, but can't say no any longer... the affair starts...

You are now in a position to stop this and that certainly doesn't involve contacting her. Come on, wake up, if she is indeed on a mission to get your hubby, can't you see that you contacting her is giving her the excuse to go up a level? Can't you see her telling your hubby that you contacted her, that she is so sorry that his very paranoid wife got the wrong message, that clearly her depression is getting to her, that she can now understand how hard it must be for him to live with you....

What you need to do is ignore completely. It really has nothing to do with her. It is such a cope out to say that your husband went along with it because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. My partner is like that, also very friendly and opened to anyone, but it would take a couple of irrelevant texts (ie, not work, saying good night, or how are you etc...) for him to ignore them and not respond, and then tell her to stop if she continued.

You need to work on your relationship and show your man that you do love him and care for him. I know it is hard when you are depressed, but think that it is either forcing yourself to do something, or risking losing him -or alternatively becoming paranoid and obsessed which would most likely to a break-up anyway)

Pollycat

victory wrote: »

Why does every thread have to resort to name calling?

If that is intended as a comment on my post, I called the OP selfish and self-absorbed as that is how she comes across in her posts.

She's bleated about what she did wrong 6 years ago, what her OH is doing wrong now, about her mental health issues (which I do sympathise with) but I can't see much concern from her on a daily basis for her young daughter.

And that sits very uncomfortably with me, so I'm out.

nodiscount

Pollycat wrote: »

If that is intended as a comment on my post, I called the OP selfish and self-absorbed as that is how she comes across in her posts.

She's bleated about what she did wrong 6 years ago, what her OH is doing wrong now, about her mental health issues (which I do sympathise with) but I can't see much concern from her on a daily basis for her young daughter.

And that sits very uncomfortably with me, so I'm out.

You made assumptions about me and youve got it wrong.

My oh doesn't always work nights. When he is at work I don't ignore my daughter. I dont know why you made that assumption.

Me 'bleating' about what happened 6 years ago is to add context. Or IS it better to pretend that I haven't made mistakes too? btw, I had my daughter after that misdemeanor (no, don't get any ideas about that now either!).

Bangton

OP..I don't think you should contact her and tell her to back off. I understand the hurt and upset at these texts but what is telling her to back off going to achieve? This is a situation that should be rectified with your husband and with some dignity.

You've admitted you made a mistake and if you really want the marriage to work, your mistake must surely help you see the reasons why he may now be doing this...although I don't condone it in anyway.

My partner suffered depression and I can't tell you how much is affected my life...I might as well have had it too. Rows, moodiness, not going anywhere or doing anything. Feeling unloved, wondering why on Earth if we were so in love I couldn't shake him out of depression and make him happy. It's incredibly hard for me to think about it but it's in the past and after a battle he seems to have a grip on it and has for years. He is a new man. My mum asked how he had managed to turn his way of thinking and he told her it's because he knew he was losing me and he couldn't. All that time feeling like he was with me for convenience when actually he loves me more than anything is overwhelming.

I am telling this not to make you feel bad but maybe to help you see that depression and general lack of care for a relationship can be hard to handle for both parties. You can't help being depressed and I don't for one minute blame you but I think you both need to start behaving like a unit...doing things, staying off the ipad, talking, talking, talking! It's easy to get into a cycle of coming home and doing your own thing but then you become less like a couple and more like housemates.

I wish you the best and hope you work it out. I know people have maybe had a dig but you sound like a person who admits mistakes and is willing to try and improve things.

dktreesea

balletshoes wrote: »

so whats to stop another female, then another, then another, doing the same thing with your OH in future?

This girl is not the problem - the problem is with your OH. Stop making excuses for him.

Is it though? Strictly speaking, the OH doesn't have a problem. He's just got a close friend at work who happens to be female. The one with the problem is the OP, who doesn't seem to want her husband to have close friends of the opposite sex.

coinxoperated

nodiscount wrote: »

Hi

I've just found out my OH has been texting a colleague... texting her ALOT.

I didn't even need to read the rest of your post.

My advice:

1. In truth, regardless of what relationship your OH is in with you, she won't give a monkey's. If he's texting her back and leading her on, its your OH you should have a problem with! There are two people in your relationship (usually :rotfl:) and its those two people who have made the commitment to be with each other. Its your OH's responsibility to manage this situation without you feeling the need to get involved.

2. By texting her to 'back off', if anything IS going on, your OH will have a good 'ol laugh with her about it and it'll just make it all the more exciting if she is the stalker type.

3. The majority of us have a good 'ol flirt at work at times. We have some proper hunky men in our office at work that always have a laugh and joke and a playful flirt. I would personally flirt and laugh back if I KNEW that it was all in jest. I'm very happy with my OH and I make that clear if they ever do try to instigate a outside of work meet up etc. I try to keep it all purely friendly, but without a doubt a couple of them have desperately tried to take it further with me. Its understanding the boundaries.

4. Discuss with your OH how he's going to deal with this and whats going on and does he need any advice on how to manage it. Be supportive of him, not angry. He needs to stop returning texts, only talk with her in work hours and only via e-mail etc about work things. No small chit chat. He needs to be a bit cold and stand-off-ish to help her understand he isn't interested.

If your OH doesnt want any advice and continues to lead her on and text her etc etc I would seriously consider if he's worth sticking around with. I've seen enough married men get off with the receptionist or admin at a work party to know that what you may see on the surface is not the instinct they seem to acquire after a few drinks.

Best of luck!

londonsurrey

There's no point in contacting her. Even if you do get her to back off, you will just end up with a man whose potential bit on the side you chased off.

This will then be a man who hasn't addressed the issues, and will probably go after the next loose knickered character who throws herself at him, be it in 6 months or 10 years' time, depending on how thick of the ground such characters are in his world.

Surely what you want is to keep a man who is grown up enough to decide what he wants, and be able to control his own behaviour accordingly, rather than whining, "Yeah, but it's only talking (behind your back)/meeting/not full sex", and to chuck out anyone with less stringent morals?