Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

FizzledOut

My husband of 23 years has been increasingly distant towards me over the last 6 months. I ignored the gut feeling but circumstances Sunday made me check his (oh, you know it's coming) facebook after he had gone to bed. We share a computer, he's automatically logged on. And found a string of messages between a woman 16 years his junior (11 years older than our one and only offspring). They were making plans to meet next weekend while I'm away with girlfriends. A 12am discussion, he wants to be single, says this other relationship isn't the cause, but he wants out. Except - we're broke. His solution is for him to move into our spare room, help do the house up (which needs some major work that he's ignored for years), keep paying his wages into the joint account. And still meet her.

I booked us into Relate on Wednesday (quick appointment, but pointless), counsellor suggested separation counselling, and quite frankly I feel I'm being bulldozed into something I didn't want, have no say over, and am powerless to prevent. The emotional side, I think after some of the stuff he's said this week, and the stuff I've since found out, I'm ready for goodbye. I've been compared to a young woman 18 years my junior and found wanting. Who needs that! The practical side, he's been so distant and uninvolved around the home, I'm pretty damned sure I would be just fine. It's the financial stuff I feel I'm being held to ransom over - I can't afford to keep our home on my salary alone. Offspring has just left Uni, has a couple of temp jobs, was planning on moving on in the next 12 months.

He is at the moment sleeping in our spare room (not quite literally, he's working away this weekend), he sees absolutely no rush to be going anywhere. As far as I know the meeting next weekend is still on - I confronted him this morning and he said he hadn't even thought about it (well, duh)! One very dear friend is astonished he's actually still here and says I'm showing myself as very weak, particularly in front of our son. I've been accused by him of being unreasonable as I know we are in financial straits, but I've said absolutely no way does he stay and still see her. Seriously, I'm a grown up, it's not a crime to want to move on and be with someone else, but I think it's incredibly disrespectful to treat someone you've been with such a long time (we actually met 27 years ago this week) this way.

And, no, I don't have MUG on my forehead. I checked a minute ago. Advice, please ...

BitterAndTwisted

You've said that you're in a poor financial state and also said that you can't afford to run your home without his income, so his solution in the short-term doesn't seem completely unreasonable. Why don't you find somewhere else to live and leave if you're finding it all so unfavourable? My guess is that he's not ready to leave you finally and completely. Perhaps this young woman hasn't committed to him yet, so he can't leave you and go straight to her? That's what they usually do.

Ignore what your friend said about looking weak on front of your son: your marriage and what happens to it is not anything to do with him. Please don't drag him into it. No good never came of doing that. Keep your private emotional life private.

FizzledOut

And if I leave, and he moves her in -? She has two small children. What have I done that I should leave? (And my "friend" is actually my sister). He wants to be single, but still live in the family home. I've said, this isn't Woolworths pic-n-mix, make a decision, stand by it, why do I get the mental torture of wondering what is going on? And what message does this give to our son? Dad cheats, Mum moves out? Really?

Oh, and he's very ready to leave me, no doubt about that.

C_Mababejive

OP if you checked your forehead in the mirror it will say GUM...

Your OH would,in all probability,have carried on this deception for much longer had he not been discovered. Men can often compartmentalize such things but there is a certain amount of spill over which shows in behavioral changes. The sort of thing any woman worth her salt would pick up in a trice..as you have done.

Fact is,he is a free man as you are a free woman and he can say,do or go where he likes within the bounds of the law.

As a joint owner of your home,he also has every right to reside there.


Still,accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..so your single at last..whoopee,,think of all that freedom. No more cleaning,cooking and washing for him. You csn do just as you please,just like him.

Arrange the technicalities and finances of the home so that he can move on with his paramour and you can be free to do as you like. Is it too early to start socialising and dating yet?

Remember..scarcity increases the value...enjoy life..

Caroline_a

OP - how much equity is there in your house? I know it's not a good time to sell, but if you have some then I would suggest put the house on the market and let it go. Yes, I know you said that there was stuff to be done, but if you start doing that, it's more work/expense etc, so why not cut your losses, let someone else do the work and set it as a price to sell quickly.

Even if you can't afford to buy you can rent somewhere, and you'd be out of the situation. He'd have to sort himself out - you're not responsible for him any more!

RacyRed

FizzledOut wrote: »

And found a string of messages between a woman 16 years his junior (11 years older than our one and only offspring). They were making plans to meet next weekend while I'm away with girlfriends. A 12am discussion, he wants to be single, says this other relationship isn't the cause, but he wants out.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Sorry, sorry, I really am sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh but honestly, think about it. If they haven't actually met yet what kind of a shock is this younger woman going to get when they meet for the first time? How much was he bigging himself up in those messages? How old is his Facebook photo? How long has he been indulging in this internet fantasy?

As for him comparing you with a woman 18 years your junior and finding you wanting, well just wait for the !!!!!! to get his come-uppance when said young woman runs a mile when she realises he isn't going to be able to move her and her children straight into a nice comfy house and pay for an easy lifestyle for her. When he comes running back with his tail between his legs you get the opportunity to tell him that you don't want him any more either!

I agree with Caroline_a get yourself some legal advice and try to sell the house quickly as it is. Hopefully your share will be enough to get you started somewhere else?

You sound like a strong woman to me, being held back by a husband who is a non-participant in your marriage or your home. It is a horrible thing to have happen but he has done his worst now, insulted you as much as is possible. Now you get to take control. Remember that from this day on things can only get better for you.

I know too well that where you are right now is a truly awful place to be but with strength and determination you can build yourself a better life. (((Hugs))) and I hope my laughing at your pathetic husband hasn't offended you.

Mojisola

FizzledOut wrote: »

he wants to be single

I'm ready for goodbye.

It's the financial stuff I feel I'm being held to ransom over - I can't afford to keep our home on my salary alone. Offspring has just left Uni, has a couple of temp jobs, was planning on moving on in the next 12 months.

One very dear friend is astonished he's actually still here and says I'm showing myself as very weak, particularly in front of our son. I've been accused by him of being unreasonable as I know we are in financial straits, but I've said absolutely no way does he stay and still see her.

You've got a difficult transition time ahead of you. Fortunately your son is an adult so that will make life easier. Don't involve him in the arguments - his Dad is still his Dad.

You're both ready to split. You are both adults with an equal right to live in the house. Your sister is probably speaking emotionally because she can see how hurt you are but this will all be settled much more easily if you can keep things objective.

If your husband wants to be single, I can't see him moving a new woman with children into the house!

FizzledOut

RacyRed I think I love you.
They worked together 12 or more years ago. This may be a clean laundry moment - his current fb photo is from 1986. I know, I know, enjoy that. Just another one of those "hmmm" moments where my gut was screaming at me. I doubt she knows there is £20,000+ of debt being paid through the bank.
He and our son are really close - in fact, with boy home from Uni, there has been less need for husband to communicate with me. Not at all blaming my son, I love that they are close - this is a classic mid-life crisis as I see it. He took son skiing early last year with two of sons friends. He wants to be young again. He wants to be our son. He's bored, frightened of being old, if he'd talked to me I'd have done my best to help. He's said, it's so great having another woman interested in him. Any guesses how he would feel if the woman were 16 years older, not 16 years younger?

There is some equity in the house, but not enough for me to move on and be able to keep my current job/commute. We've got, I think, 4 years until the mortgage is up. I feel really bitter and twisted and I can't imagine how I would stay sane if I'm expected to put up with him + her. That, for me, is the big sticking point.

Emmzi

I would invest in seeing a rotweiller solicitor who will talk you through what you would be entitled to. Make sure and discuss things like %age of pensions. Then show hubs. Then you can both decide the quickest way to get out of this mess.

I would also think about a seperation order. At the moment he is "playing divorce" and could use something to make it real.

Oh. And get yourself a new hairdo and a red dress. Just because.

Mojisola

FizzledOut wrote: »

I feel really bitter and twisted and I can't imagine how I would stay sane if I'm expected to put up with him + her. That, for me, is the big sticking point.

This situation must be incredibly hurtful and it must be so difficult to deal with all the practicalities when you're going through this.

Mara69

Some people can be really nasty - and unfortunately I think your husband is one of them. Have to say, there is no way I could bear for my husband to continue to live with me and be 'seeing' someone else. I would die a little inside every time he got showered and shaved, put aftershave on and left the house, whistling and happy. I think a clean break is the only answer for your sanity. Either he leaves, or you do. That, to me, is the only workable solution. Get some legal advice on the situation with the house, but if it is at all possible I would leave the house, rent a lovely flat someone and be free to start again.