Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

FizzledOut

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Men look at their life and say can I live with what I have for the rest of my life, it's gone stale, nothing happens any more and yes the classic, she doesn't understand me any more.

So they look for something that's more exciting, most of the time after trying to inject more fun and games into their marriage, which most of the time fails as the women never take it seriously enough.

Women are just as much to blame as men if you want my opinion. Which you won't, because now the shouting down will start.

Duckie, you are generalising and I can promise you that isn't me. Not. Me.

suki1001

londonsurrey wrote: »

What's an LBM, please?

Light bulb moment. A very good moment to have!

FizzledOut

RacyRed wrote: »

And the facebook stuff is just you doing your research. FB woman has a husband? I don't know why but I assumed she was single. Ok, so that is why he hasn't packed his bags already. (The fact that he probably hasn't seen her for 12 years would have no bearing at all on his willingness to pack his tackle straight round there if he could, after all, we have already established that he is a plonker who can't keep his mid life crisis within reasonable bounds and has problems with the difference between reality and fantasy)

Love this, thanks. And, yes, I've told myself the "stalky" stuff is my small way of getting some control back on what's going on. And my husband used to work with both of them, knows her husband (although hasn't been in contact with him .. wrong sex, probably).

jungle_jane

FizzledOut wrote: »

We live in London. I work in Central London. Our monthly mortgage payment on the house is probably a weeks rent in a small flat. I truly can't see that being an option. Rent a room, maybe - but, guys, this is not of my doing, this is not my decision. I love my home, the deposit on this house came solely from me (large work bonus + ££ gift from my parents). To walk away and leave him here would be - there just aren't words.

OMG@the FB pic:rotfl:

My best mate (lives in home counties and works in London) is in a similar position regarding the house/deposit and is also getting divorced.

Her solicitor is totally amazing - if you want a recommendation then PM me and I would be happy to get the details to you.

It's a really horrible position to be in OP - how hurtful and what a terrible way to treat someone you have loved for 27 years. Your OH sounds incredibly thoughtless - mid life crisis or not. He doesn't deserve you.

londonsurrey

suki1001 wrote: »

Light bulb moment. A very good moment to have!

Oh yes, that epiphany moment. I've had it too. Widowed suddenly, after reconciling with cheating husband, abandoned by all but two friends, I inadvertently in the months after the funeral went on what my friend calls the "Stupid B*st*rd Diet" and went from a size 12 to a size 8. She says that the majority of women over the age of 25 have gone on it.

Then the lightbulb moment - I have nothing to lose.
Hmmmm, where have I been unconsciously constraining myself?
Well, I've always wondered how belly dancers do that shaking. So I went to some lessons. And unexpectedly, I now know how to do what that dancing silhouette lady in "Tales of the Unexpected" was doing. Yay!

foreign_correspondent

FizzledOut wrote: »

oi oi. No tin helmets necessary here.

No, I can say hand on heart, I've really tried to make things work - booked tickets for stuff, arranged dinners, lunch out, etc. He's just not been interested. And if we've gone as a family it's him and kiddo talking to each other, he doesn't involve me in conversation. In Sunday confrontation I said, you don't want to go anywhere with me, you don't want to do anything with me, it's like you are embarrassed to be seen with me. I wanted to book a weekend away in September, he said no. And our wedding anniversary in November, he said no. I've booked a week off this month, said I'd book a cheap cottage in Norfolk (I got a nice Christmas bonus from work) - he said no (ta-dah haircut!). He has tried to twist it to the counsellor that I'm some old drudge but I'm really not. I can still turn heads and fully intend to in the future.

I do go to the theatre on my own, to the cinema. I have a good circle of my own friends. We have a number of very close friends as a couple, I can't see them taking kindly to the living in the marital home and seeing woman on side - I've said, people will despise you and pity me. But I guess we'll see.

Ta all for advice so far, will check out that site this afternoon. Right now - yeah, I'm off to the theatre, on my own, ticket bought two weeks ago (knock down price, I'm ace at sorting a theatre bargain).

You sound great -get out there and make even more friends, you can develop a much better life with a lot more fun in it than the one you have had for the last few years.

It won't be easy, it takes some adjusting to, but being single brings a whole load of new opportunities and new freedoms - take every opportunity you can to enjoy them!

Life is short, this is a massive shock, it disrupts your life plans and its and very painful to be rejected. However, it is not insurmountable, and it may be the start of a wonderful new phase in your life.

Don't pay too much attention to him and his 'drama' - get on with your own stuff...

He will either decide pretty sharpish to move out, or he will regret his daftness and want to make amends - by which time you may have decided that you don't want to go back to where you were...

londonsurrey

You know how some people say that it would be terrible to win the lottery because you'd never know who your real friends were?

Well, the plus side of going through all this trauma, losing so much and being abandoned by friends and family is that I've sorted out that lottery dilemma problem.

So may I win the lottery now please? It wouldn't present me with any problems whatsoever. Thank you.

Mojisola

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Maybe, maybe they both needed a wake up call, maybe the marriage had gone the way of so many. They take each other for granted.

After all, he did say he likes having a(nother) woman interested in him.

So he thinks that the OP is not interested in him. She's busy, so when did she last give him something special?

FizzledOut wrote: »

I was so hurt by some of the things he said (he is very active, sports etc - the fb woman has photos up of herself in a gym - and said I "do nothing". Disregarding the two hour daily commute and full time job, which escaped his notice.

If one spouse is started to feel "taken for granted" and that their spouse "isn't interested in him/her", should they 1. go out and have an affair, 2. arrange a time when they can have a heart-to-heart about their feelings with their spouse?

meer53

londonsurrey wrote: »

You know how some people say that it would be terrible to win the lottery because you'd never know who your real friends were?

Well, the plus side of going through all this trauma, losing so much and being abandoned by friends and family is that I've sorted out that lottery dilemma problem.

So may I win the lottery now please? It wouldn't present me with any problems whatsoever. Thank you.

Thats so true.

My friends stood by me when i kept taking my lying cheating ex back, 3 times in 12 months, and never judged me. They all knew that eventually, i'd see the light and do what i should have done at the start. You just have to come to that moment on your own, friends will tell you what THEY think, then stay beside you whilst you make yourself ill, lose 2 stones in 6 weeks, look like a zombie because you don't sleep, look after your kids when you just can't face life anymore, bring wine, tissues and chocolate and take you out when you really can't be arsed !

ALL my friends said the same thing, throw him out, never take him back. I truly wish i'd had the courage to do it at the time. BUT with hindsight, doing it my way, at least i can say that i tried, which is something he had no intention of doing.

Good luck OP, you'll be fine, i can tell

sandraroffey

ok. s you are getting on with life but please, you cant keep this up with you both in the same house. and if you want to stay in your house, you will have to buy him out!!!

get the place sold.....you may just find that when there isnt a nice cosy house for the girlfriend to move into, her interest may wane a little. i know its hard to sell your home, it was for me, but its just four walls. your next home will be just that, YOUR home. rent or buy, doesnt matter. remember that you can get help with rent if your earnings are low. and council tax.

first an foremost, you need a good solicitor. he needs giving a good shake up. he will be more than happy to carry on as he is, staying there and doing what he wants to. mainly because you are letting him!!!! while he is there, you dont do a single thing for him. you dont buy anything that he can use: he is no longer part of your life. he is now a lodger. and yes, please put a lock on your bedroom door. talk to your solicitor about making him move out - not sure if that can be done. either way, its jointly owned so.....you cant stay there on your own, as your home, unless he gets his share and i think that will mean selling up.

you sound very up-beat, but it must be really hard for you. do let us all know how you get along. the very best of luck.