Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

clearingout

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Maybe, maybe they both needed a wake up call, maybe the marriage had gone the way of so many. They take each other for granted.
After all, he did say he likes having a(nother) woman interested in him.
So he thinks that the OP is not interested in him. She's busy, so when did she last give him something special?

It does sound like a mid life crisis. But women don't tend to understand a male MLC.

I can see that whatever I write now I'm going to be shouted down. So I'll leave it at that.

I think those are fair comments in the context. The problem is, it takes two people to make a marriage work. One half of this marriage has said he wants out. The other half has done the sensible thing - made the appointment at Relate - but it will take two of them to get things back on track. She shouldn't have to go begging on her knees to him, spending money on god only knows what to try and sort it out. They need absolute 100% honesty and commitment to sorting it out.

I sat in a Relate appointment with my ex a week after he'd walked out. An appointment I'd made to try and find some way through things. He swore blind he'd never had an affair. And then went home to his girlfriend's house straight afterwards. It takes two...

suki1001

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It does sound like a mid life crisis. But women don't tend to understand a male MLC.

I think people dont' understand mid life crisis's, is because they leave such a path of destruction in their wake. Or rather they do, but that it just seems such a silly way to handle your fears.

RacyRed

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Maybe, maybe they both needed a wake up call, maybe the marriage had gone the way of so many. They take each other for granted.
After all, he did say he likes having a(nother) woman interested in him.
So he thinks that the OP is not interested in him. She's busy, so when did she last give him something special?

It does sound like a mid life crisis. But women don't tend to understand a male MLC.

I can see that whatever I write now I'm going to be shouted down. So I'll leave it at that.

Not at all, we do understand them quite well, women have MLCs too, plus the horrors of peri-menopause to deal with at much the same time, often. The 2 sexes just appear to have very different ways of dealing with them.

I'm not saying that one is better, easier, harder or whatever than the other, but men do seem to have more of a tendency to try to hang on to their youth in the arms of a younger woman than the female equivalent of that.

Lotus-eater

RacyRed wrote: »

Not at all, we do understand them quite well, women have MLCs too, plus the horrors of peri-menopause to deal with at much the same time, often. The 2 sexes just appear to have very different ways of dealing with them.

I'm not saying that one is better, easier, harder or whatever than the other, but men do seem to have more of a tendency to try to hang on to their youth in the arms of a younger woman than the female equivalent of that.

See I knew you didn't understand them.

Nothing to do with younger women, just what happens to be available.

Men look at their life and say can I live with what I have for the rest of my life, it's gone stale, nothing happens any more and yes the classic, she doesn't understand me any more.

So they look for something that's more exciting, most of the time after trying to inject more fun and games into their marriage, which most of the time fails as the women never take it seriously enough.

Women are just as much to blame as men if you want my opinion. Which you won't, because now the shouting down will start.

suki1001

Lotus-eater wrote: »

See I knew you didn't understand them.

Nothing to do with younger women, just what happens to be available.

Men look at their life and say can I live with what I have for the rest of my life, it's gone stale, nothing happens any more and yes the classic, she doesn't understand me any more.

So they look for something that's more exciting, most of the time after trying to inject more fun and games into their marriage, which most of the time fails as the women never take it seriously enough.

Women are just as much to blame as men if you want my opinion. Which you won't, because now the shouting down will start.

I don't think anyone will shout you down on her IMO, this thread has been quite civilised (I stand to be corrected). I don't think anyone's going to bite.
Howver, is this actually about blame? The cause and the effect. Domestic violence, alcohol addiction, any addiction, affairs, tantums and tempers and mid life crisis. How a partner handles their life is not down to the partner. It's like saying "you made me do it." They are an adult, they are responsible for their actions. We might understand that is why they have done it, but does that make it acceptable? I don't think it does. I can totally see why someone would have a mid life crisis, just like I can understand they might hit their partner, that doesn't mean I have to accept it as a great way to handle your problems. They are just stupid and destructive ways to deal with things.

londonsurrey

What he's done is a massive betrayal. And he's not even bothering to be nice about it.
There's no point in waiting for him to make up his mind about various things - the whole point of the game he's playing is doing/saying the minimum he can to continue getting away with what he's concentrating on.

So, the thing to decide is what you are going to do. You'll notice that any points that rely on him doing something/coming to a decision on something results in inertia, i.e. you waiting until he casually drops the next time bomb or more likely you stumble across it.

Tupperware_Queen

I'm sorry I can't really offer any advice on the financial side, but on the emotional side, my hubby of 20 years walked out almost 2 years ago. I was devastated, we'd had issues but I thought we were ok. I had absolutely no idea he was leaving, he just moved out. For a long time I was a doormat, let him use me because I really wanted to get the relationship back on track. Then about a year ago I had my LBM and realised that I was being very unfair to myself, and I deserved better. I moved on and have since met a really lovely bloke who treats me like a princess.

In the process though I lost my home, (now in a council flat), and had to declare myself bankrupt because of the huge debts and negative equity. It was hard, but I am now in a much better place, and as much as all that hurt I would not go back, not ever. Be strong, you can do it xx

FizzledOut

oi oi. No tin helmets necessary here.

No, I can say hand on heart, I've really tried to make things work - booked tickets for stuff, arranged dinners, lunch out, etc. He's just not been interested. And if we've gone as a family it's him and kiddo talking to each other, he doesn't involve me in conversation. In Sunday confrontation I said, you don't want to go anywhere with me, you don't want to do anything with me, it's like you are embarrassed to be seen with me. I wanted to book a weekend away in September, he said no. And our wedding anniversary in November, he said no. I've booked a week off this month, said I'd book a cheap cottage in Norfolk (I got a nice Christmas bonus from work) - he said no (ta-dah haircut!). He has tried to twist it to the counsellor that I'm some old drudge but I'm really not. I can still turn heads and fully intend to in the future.

I do go to the theatre on my own, to the cinema. I have a good circle of my own friends. We have a number of very close friends as a couple, I can't see them taking kindly to the living in the marital home and seeing woman on side - I've said, people will despise you and pity me. But I guess we'll see.

Ta all for advice so far, will check out that site this afternoon. Right now - yeah, I'm off to the theatre, on my own, ticket bought two weeks ago (knock down price, I'm ace at sorting a theatre bargain).

londonsurrey

What's an LBM, please?

londonsurrey

FizzledOut wrote: »

Ta all for advice so far, will check out that site this afternoon. Right now - yeah, I'm off to the theatre, on my own, ticket bought two weeks ago (knock down price, I'm ace at sorting a theatre bargain).

Good for you. Here's wishing you a lovely outing!