Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

Lotus-eater

They really haven't met yet? Well not for 12 years and weren't together then....

Are they both going to get a shock.

I don't know what to advise, maybe you'd better decide what you want to do about you.

This happened to a friend of mine, he met someone online, told his partner this was it, she said, you go and meet her and decide what you want to do. He decided not to meet this online woman in the end and they are still together.

FizzledOut

We live in London. I work in Central London. Our monthly mortgage payment on the house is probably a weeks rent in a small flat. I truly can't see that being an option. Rent a room, maybe - but, guys, this is not of my doing, this is not my decision. I love my home, the deposit on this house came solely from me (large work bonus + ££ gift from my parents). To walk away and leave him here would be - there just aren't words.

Lotus-eater

I think you need legal advice then, quickly.

RacyRed

FizzledOut wrote: »

RacyRed I think I love you.
They worked together 12 or more years ago. This may be a clean laundry moment - his current fb photo is from 1986. I know, I know, enjoy that. Just another one of those "hmmm" moments where my gut was screaming at me. I doubt she knows there is £20,000+ of debt being paid through the bank.
He and our son are really close - in fact, with boy home from Uni, there has been less need for husband to communicate with me. Not at all blaming my son, I love that they are close - this is a classic mid-life crisis as I see it. He took son skiing early last year with two of sons friends. He wants to be young again. He wants to be our son. He's bored, frightened of being old, if he'd talked to me I'd have done my best to help. He's said, it's so great having another woman interested in him. Any guesses how he would feel if the woman were 16 years older, not 16 years younger?

There is some equity in the house, but not enough for me to move on and be able to keep my current job/commute. We've got, I think, 4 years until the mortgage is up. I feel really bitter and twisted and I can't imagine how I would stay sane if I'm expected to put up with him + her. That, for me, is the big sticking point.

OUCH! At the bold bit. He really doesn't have to be so nasty.

You may need to find a way to persuade him to leave until things are sorted, after all, he is the one who has turned your lives upside down. No more doing things for him. It would be unbearable to put up with him, never mind adding her into the mix! A good solicitor is a must, as soon as possible. He is enjoying having his ego stroked right now and needs to realise how seriously he has hurt you.

Does your son know what has happened yet?

Loved the 1986 FB photo! What a ******!

VfM4meplse

OP - I don't have any advice to offer, but just wanted to say you are dealing with this situaton with dignity, and have an amazing clarity of thought given the shock you must have had to endure. It must be very hard to have to look at his face every day when you are so estranged.

The lesson to us all is never to marry a poor man. Rich men can be exceptionally miserable b*st*rds but at least you get the temporary satisfaction of taking them to the cleaners.

Sambucus_Nigra

Do not move out!

The facebook photo being from 1986 = genius!

Do go out and get your hair done and get yourself a new dress and when you come back home - do not lift one finger, enjoy being completely knackered after a girl's night out, move him and a hotplate into the spare room and have long conversations on the phone which are 'none of his business who I'm talking to'...and go out to events looking fabulous and just start enjoying yourself again.

It won't be long before he moves out of his own accord, I'd reckon. Presumably, you can start asking when HE is moving in with HER soon enough.

tsstss7

OP as a friend of someone who tried to do it cheap by not involving solicitors and then ended up taking 2 years and 20 odd grand to get divorced I would advise you to go and see a solicitor ASAP. Ask friends and family for a recommendation and at least go for the free first consultion if they offer it.

You wont be able to ge him to move out but you no longer have to do ANYTHING for him. Let him do his own washing, cooking and cleaning and try to enjoy your life as much as you can. He is probably thinking he can go on living much the same as before but with his new bit of stuff too, while you have to tolerate the fact that he has the other woman you don't have to make his life comfortable for him too.

daska

You obviously want to stay in the house. Could you look at ways of minimising your outgoings (plenty of help on the various boards on here assuming you're not already doing it all) and maximising the income from the house to make it possible to afford it? Would it be possible to rent out the spare room? And if you could, within 12 months, rent out your son's room as well? You might be able to limp on until the mortgage is fully paid? And have you taken into account that he would probably want you to buy him out - though that could happen later rather than earlier if you delay getting divorced? Unless it's a joint decision it would have to go to court to force the sale.

I would suggest finding a solicitor and getting some good advice. Law Society - Find a Solicitor

belfastgirl23

Before you do anything else, you need to decide what you want.

You've said a lot here about not wanting to move (that's fair enough) but when you think about the future, at the minute do you want your husband to be a part of it or not?

It doesn't sound to me like this thing has gone too far and it's possibly just an outworking of him having a mid-life crisis. There may be something there to fight for and save. If you want to that is.

I know you feel you're being bulldozed but you don't have to accept things just yet.

Also I think the individual counselling thing might be good - whatever happens you want to know that you've had space to think and this would offer you that space. It would also offer your husband that space.

I do think men have a tendency to just move on rather than express and work through problems, at the very least you both need to try to work through the problems so that in future (either together or apart) you can manage better.

BTW if this post makes you shudder then clearly you do want to seperate

Good luck

pmlindyloo

Whatever you decide to do your OH needs a 'wake up' call.

First of all make an appointment with a solicitor and make sure your OH knows that you are going. If he kicks up a fuss then say that you need to sit down and have a long chat about things because you are not going to continue with things as they are.

I do believe this is one of those situations where you have to show him that you are not going to allow him to do what he wants and make you feel absolutely awful. How would he feel if you decided to do what he is doing?

I also think that the suggestions about get a new hair do etc etc are excellent ones.

Have you ever experienced that moment when your toddler refused to do something in a public place and threw a temper tantrum? Well, my friend used to 'manhandle' her child back into the pushchair and sing very loudly over the top of the child's screaming'.

This is one of those occasions.

Unless your OH is prepared to sit down and sort this in a reasonable manner then you need to 'sing loudly' (not literally!) and get on with your life showing that you will not be the 'little woman' who bends to his every whim.

I am sure you are quite right that this is a mid life crisis but unfortuantely it can last for years.

Life's too short to put up with this.

I know you love your house, but what's more important - bricks and mortar or living the rest of your life to the full?