Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

FatVonD

This probably isn't the right thing to say but you made me laugh (in a nice way) with your multiple 'sexting???s' in your post, you still sound incredulous at it all and I think that's the right thing to be feeling. You still sound strong and like a smart, funny woman and your husband sounds like a moron (no offence!) who will only realise what he's lost when it's too late.

Parva

Before my own marriage finally came to an end there was a significant turning point that actually signalled where it was going to end for me. My wife used to put work before anything else in her life, it was a constant bone of contention in the marriage. Suddenly, she started having regular 'work' nights out. I could sense that something wasn't right.

I found myself dreading having to go to work on a Friday afternoon shift (2pm - 10pm) because I knew she finished at 2pm and during this time I wouldn't know whether she had gone out or was at home. Of course, phoning home at teatime I would get my son answering only to tell me "No she's not home yet" and that would turn my stomach in knots, it was horrid. I didn't want to phone her mobile because I knew that I would be coming across as the jealous husband.

Anyway, I eventually confronted her and she admitted that she had been seeing a male colleague. I was devestated. Now fortunately for me I caught it before things had got sexual which was a great relief and she admitted that he had made a play for her and she was flattered that she was getting attention. She told him to back-off as she was making a go of the marriage.

We really did try as best we could but I permanently had that 'sick' feeling in the pit of my stomach. Six months later she told me that she no longer loved me and wanted to end the marriage and that was pretty much it, we went our seperate ways (we have two children together - but both are grown-up so no need for us to communicate ever again).

It took me many months to get over the split, I really was devestated, I'd been married to her for 16 years and together for almost 22 years. It was all I could do to get up on a morning just to go to work, I was drinking heavily and almost lost my job at one point. My life felt like it had ended.

Then one day I had my LBM, I was going to bed and it suddenly dawned on me, that sick feeling had gone! I lost 5 stone over the duration of my marriage getting rocky to around 6 - 9 months after the final parting of ways. It felt brilliant, I suddenly felt alive again! I hadn't realised just how long I had carried around that 'sick' feeling in my stomach, it got to the point that it just felt normal.

The weight loss was also a bonus as I was overweight to start with, as was my then wife. I caught sight of her in a supermarket about 12 months after our split and wow, she had aged and her backside had grown even bigger! Here was I, a nice trim fella with all my own hair and not grey either and there she was, not an old hag by any stretch of the imagination but she certainly had not aged well since we had split. I also had a girlfriend five years younger than myself with me, god it felt good!

Anyway, back to what you should do. Only you can make this decision but if he does agree to come back to you and you allow it to happen, are you ever going to trust him again? If you do take him back you will have to be prepared to have that 'sick' feeling for a long long time to come, indeed it may never go. The slightest variation in his daily routine will have you wondering 'what if?' and give you that gut-wrenching feeling. All in all I probably had it for about 18 months and I can safely say that I never ever want to experience it again.

I think that once the trust has gone it's a rare that it can ever be recovered. Unfortunately, when you continually question what your husband has been doing that day not only will you have the lie detectors set to maximum but you will also feel very low for allowing yourself to become this little lovesick puppy. It really does make you feel so so low, it's horrible. Coupled with that, it will also serve to drive him away again. So you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Good luck to you whatever you decide, I truly hope that you can repair this marriage if you choose to do so but also be aware that breaking up can bring about a whole new path in life that you could never have dreamed of before.

londonsurrey

FizzledOut wrote: »

I'm just stunned at the anger from him, although I do know it's easier to blame me for the situation he now finds himself in than realise it's all down to him (the coward).

Exactly right. You've upset the apple cart. He's been happily doing this for ages and you're spoiling it. I'd imagine that there would be similarities in scenes where alcoholics and other addicts are confronted.

And who else is there to blame? Him? Do you see any sign of him thinking he's ruined everything, or is all his attention really just focused on another fix?


I've seen someone who was addicted to internet sex. It's quite cowardly - starts off as "Oh, it's not real, it doesn't count". I do wonder if it's the way they're brought up - the family was overweight, and always on diets. But if you ate half a loaf of bread while standing in the kitchen, it "didn't count" because well, it wasn't a sitting down meal. Doh.

Parva

Just to add further to my last post, something else I did when I suspected my then wife of cheating was to snoop on anything I could find. Even after we agreed to try one last time to save the marriage I still wanted to get hold of her mobile if I could and interogate it. I never did manage that however, she guarded her mobile fiercly but given half a chance, yes, I would have checked.

I would even spend a shift at work wondering where she was (often resorting to phone her mobile under some false pretence) and had tracking a mobile have been as easy six years ago to what it is now, I would have done it.

Yep, there I was, this green-eyed monster, almost smothering her in affection and offering to do all the things I knew she liked and I hated. She joined the gym to get fit, so I did too. I didn't want to but I felt that it was two hours less in a day where I could be with her and not have to wonder where she was.

And do you know what, I hated myself. Every damned moment was spent working out where she was, what she was doing and with whom. I hated these thoughts in my head but I couldn't stop them. My whole day revolved around her, whether actually with her or not. I was a mess.

So we finally split. I won't lie, the first few months were horendous and I didn't help myself by phoning her up daily to talk about work and whatnot. Again, this wasn't because I was interested in her day at work, this was me satisfying myself that she hadn't got herself a new boyfriend (she hadn't).

Eventually the calls dwindled. I would sit waiting for the phone to ring and it didn't. It was so hard not to pick up that phone and phone her. Still, somehow I got through and the need to speak to her or even think what she might be doing faded.

She did me a favour by ending it as otherwise I would always have that question mark hovvering, was she about to embark on an affair? Looking back I now see how pathetic I had become. It's no surprise that she called it off because I got to the point where I was smothering her, asking questions about everything.

If you do take him back just please be aware of what I have said above. Being female it may be different for you, I'm just going on how it was for me, the male. I was almost suicidal at the end, I loved her with all of my heart but with a clear head my brain told me that the split was for the best, it would have been constant pain had I stayed with her and I was a pathetic wreck. Never again!!!

FizzledOut

Before my LBM yesterday, walking the dog at 6am (couldn't sleep - can't sleep), I made a very conscience decision that my energy has to go into making me happier, rather than plotting to make him unhappy. Positive over negative.

Thanks, Parvo. I'm almost there, ready to say goodbye and move on. Losing my home is huge HUGE HUGE for me. But I have a settled job, great friends, hopefully it's all up from here.

Sexting. Good grief! My marriage is over because of sexting and facebook. I am, in fact, incredulous.

Birdy12

FatVonD wrote: »

This probably isn't the right thing to say but you made me laugh (in a nice way) with your multiple 'sexting???s' in your post, you still sound incredulous at it all

FizzledOut wrote: »

Sexting. Good grief! My marriage is over because of sexting and facebook. I am, in fact, incredulous.

FatVonD - I noticed this too!

FizzledOut - I hope things work out for you. From what you've written it sounds like some sort of massive mid-life crisis on his part. He's not coming up to a particular age, is he?

Parva

FizzledOut wrote: »

Sexting. Good grief! My marriage is over because of sexting and facebook. I am, in fact, incredulous.

Don't ever play down what he has done, he has betrayed you! It's not so much the manner in which he has done it, it is the fact that he has demonstrated his lack of loyalty to you. I'm sure most people do not take those vows we make to each other lightly and nor should we, marriage is something to be cherished together through thick and thin, it's not something that you can conveniently discard because you're having a mid-life crisis or whatever. You go buy a sportscar or something silly if that's the case!

I'm glad that you're putting yourself first too, plotting ways to cause him pain only serves to drag you down to his level and will leave you feeling empty inside, do look after number 1 now and if indeed it does come to an end you can walk away with your dignity intact and you will be all the stronger for it.

Take care, {{{virtual hugz}}}

meer53

FizzledOut wrote: »

Thanks -

(edited to add - I don't think he knows what he wants - right now, today, this week, this month, it isn't me, anyway)!

I truly don't want to let this whole relationship disappear without at least knowing the real reason. I said that to him two weeks ago, I don't want to think, in a year, in five years, what the heck happened? But my gut feeling is he wants to see just what single life can offer him - "sexting" like a bloody teenager, for crying out loud!

Our mutual friends are appalled by his behaviour (there was a family event the weekend while he was packing his stuff). I've been told over and over, time and space .... it's just so hard to sit on my hands and ignore such stupidity - sexting! Gah! And the anger, the blackmail, gut wrenching stuff. I've got an appointment at my doc next week to discuss my depression over all of this.

I hope you get some help from your doctor, when i was in your situation, i gave in and accepted anti depressants and they helped me see things much more clearly. I still threw my ex out, we were 12 months down the line of "will it/won't it work" and i decided that if i was going to feel better then he had to go.

This was 9 years go. Time and space does work, it will allow you both to see what you really want. It made me realise that i didn't want to be with someone who made me feel worthless (he had an affair) and betrayed. Now though, we get on really well, but as friends, i would never, ever, ever take him back, we have 2 children and i think it's better for them to see that we can be civil with each other rather than hating each other (which i did, for a long time) His relationship with the girl he left me for has now broken down and she is the !!!!! from hell ! I'll be honest, it does give me some satisfaction !

I think moving to a new house will be a big help, new start etc. You're absolutely right to concentrate on YOU now, once i realised that, i never looked back and am now so much happier. It's the start of a new life for you, it's really scary, but exciting too. He's the loser, just remember that !

Good luck, you'll be fine

FatVonD

FizzledOut wrote: »

Sexting. Good grief! My marriage is over because of sexting and facebook. I am, in fact, incredulous.

I'm not sure this is going to be much comfort but I think what he did was actually worse than someone sexting a total stranger they've met online in that he actually knew this woman and was making plans to meet up in real life which I think takes it out of the realms of just sexting (which is still a sackable offence in my book) and closer to a real life affair.

I'm so sorry to hear you may have to sell your house but I hope you find somewhere equally lovely which will be yours and yours alone where you can be happy (and make sure you get the lion's share on account of putting up the deposit!)

barbiedoll

If he is using 8 year old condoms, he's going to have more to worry about than paying off his share of the mortgage and the bank loans! :eek:

OP, I know that this nightmare never seems to end, the deeper you dig, the worse the revelations seem to be. When I searched through my ex-husband's stuff, I found a photo that the other woman had sent to him, it was a topless shot of her. I could have quite easily made photocopies and stuck them on lamp posts in the street where she lived and believe me, I was quite tempted, but basically, I'm bigger than that. (Plus, it was a horrible photo, not in the least bit sexy nor flattering to her!)
I've just found out that after trying so hard to get him, and two kids and 17 years later, she's leaving him because he is "too hard to live with"......karma will out.

He's got a cheek, refusing to pay for the car but as far as he can see, there's no longer any benefit for him so he won't pay. He's looking forward (8 year old condoms.......he really is deluded, isn't he?) and now, so should you. You're perfectly entitled to feel angry, betrayed, depressed and bitter but you WILL get through this. Your husband will one day look back, and it will possibly be sooner than you think, and realise what he has lost. His new girlfriend may well see him as a meal ticket and as she is younger, she may want (more?) kids, something that he may not welcome at his age and something that will severely curtail his current frisky antics. At the moment, he is blinded by the excitement and the thrill of behaving badly, all this will soon be a distant memory when he is stuck living in a small flat, with a woman who knows full well that she can't trust him as far as she can throw him. He will know that his girlfriend is a cheat and a liar, it's not a good foundation for a relationship really, is it?

I wish you all the very best for the future, you have a long, hard road ahead, but you will get there and you will be happy again, I can guarantee it.