Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

Xhale_2

Hi Fizzled, containment of emotion at such a time feels impossible but if you can stop and breathe and accept on the outside what is happening you may start to get some control back.

I went through a difficult time when my children were small.
A very difficult Oh an affair that was denied.
One day (during usual unaccepatable smashing things up) i rang police and he was arrested, the other woman turned up on doorstep denying they had an affair in the go. ( I had never spoken to her).
He must have rung her.
She was on my doorstep upset and crying because he had been arrested. I remained contained didnt accuse her of anything asked her in for cup of tea.
Sent her away having said nothing bad to her.
Weeks later photocopied her letters to him and presented them to her while she was at work (in a shop) the look on her face was a delight! I still never said a bad word to her and I didn't post them through her dooor for her husband....but in hindsight...............that may have set everything straight instead of allowing my OH to bad mouth me and people thinking I was mad.
I feel for you and hope everything works out for a better life for you.

FizzledOut

Taking all advice on board. I already had the messages between she and me copied to a Word document. I've saved the phone bills - emailed them to myself too. And I know where her husband works. And I'm off work this week (planned to rent a cheap cottage for us for a few days - wondered why he wasn't keen). Am hoping the banshee will chill a bit before I find the car keys.

I'm horribly hurt by his Mum not getting in touch, I really am. She said she'd asked both my husband and son if she should call, they both said yes, but she thought I might not want her to. Bunch of bl**dy cowards. Hope that gene misses our kidda.

*I didn't mention - he asked for some other stuff that I hadn't thrown out the door, so I let him in (I went to the bedroom, couldn't look at him), he collected his jacket, toothbrush, netbook etc. And left a post-it stuck to my computer screen saying - "I'm sorry - T". I am Carrie Bradshaw, dumped on a post-it! Sorry he hurt me? Sorry he's messed up? Or sorry he got caught out. Yuh-huh!

FatVonD

Nobody really wants to be a banshee but you're entitled to feel upset/heartbroken/outraged/angry so allow yourself to feel those feelings just mentally tell yourself that this phase has an end date. You have a week off work so you don't have to work with it all going on but tell yourself that after the weekend those feelings go on the back burner and you get practical (glad to hear you have an appointment with the solicitor.)

I disagree with those suggesting getting out there for a bit of a flirtation yourself, I can't think of anything more demoralising, you should like a smart, funny woman and you're surely worth more than that.

I'd pass over the new haircut too, the problem is what's in his head not what's on yours.

thebillet

A very painful situation for you, I have been in a similar one. What helped me was organising things for the future I had ahead of me. I tried the pleading but at a certain point my self respect kicked in and I began to look more rationally at things a bit more like I did at work.

When I went to a solicitor, I had all the essentials written down, name date of birth, of parties, date of wedding, children's names dates of birth, addresses etc two copies one for them to put on file. This meant the solicitor wasn't wasting time writing stuff but could discuss the situation with me. Funnily enough she (my ex) paid for a solicitor who eventually submitted paperwork to the court but the judge rejected it and they ended up using mine instead.

You already know the rage will subside and the calm, organised, hard working attractive partner and mother will be what people see. I never felt weaker after my rejection but soon afterwards I never felt stronger. Hope the same happens for you.

FizzledOut

Good stuff here, thank you. Bank Friday. Solicitor Friday. Getting my wee duckies in order - getting organised is so much better than getting mournful.

You know, the Relate counsellor told us at the end of the session to "give each other the gift of not being angry". Not today! Not tomorrow. Maybe in a week / month / six months I'll give him that gift. Not today!

atrixblue.-MFR-.

like you her husband is probably in the denial stage of his marriage breakdown. the signs are there, but hopes he's just being over sensetive, when on any screen in his e-mail accounts etc press print screen on your keybourd, prtscrn sometime labeled as. then open ms paint, press control and V at the same time and vuala! the screen is now in paint ready to be saved and printed off, if things are in word documents it looks manufactured, so having the actual screen with her profile pic and name attached to them would be impossibble to disprove would it?

its a shame kiddies are involved on both sides. best thing to remember not all males are like this pr!ck, i take a very dim view to cheating ive not done it, never been tempted to do and morrals i believe in..you deserve better.

Gina_of_course!

I've been laughed at by the other woman albeit a long time ago, they are married now, he is still cheating. Anyway what I really wanted to say is to remember when you feel angry at him, her, the situation, don't embarrass yourself by taking it out where they are able to be either privy to it or the recipients. Use that energy productively, even if it means going for a run, or sorting out a cupboard with loud music on - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyFzpBAZICc&ob=av2e You'll see by Madonna helped!

Remember you are going through the stages of grief http://www.wakeuptoabreakup.tv/5-StagesofGrief.html

meer53

Good advice from RacyRed. Organise something for yourself and your son that you've always wanted to do but have never had the courage to. After my LBM and the slinging of suitcases (Xmas day 2003, Ho Ho Ho) i felt so much better that i'd made a decision. Little old me, who'd never said boo to a goose for over 24 years had finally seen the light. My decision was to book a holiday for me and my kids to Florida for 2 weeks. My ex would never entertain the idea of going to the US, decided he didn't like Americans (he's never been but thats how ridiculous he was) so i thought "Stuff you mate, we're off" ! We'd had loads of holidays, but always where HE wanted to go and doing what HE wanted to, which basically amounted to 2 weeks laying on a sunbed, burning your skin to a crisp.

The excitement and the build up was just what i needed, plus it gave me a fantastic sense of satisfaction to know that i was doing something for me and the kids, and that HE wasn't included. YES, there were still very dark times but having something to look forward to helps so much. Both my kids say to me now that the best holidays we've had have been since he left. Sad really, but i wasn't the one who decided to walk away from my marriage.

Even if it's just a day at the seaside, force yourself to do it, you'll be surprised how much better you'll feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FZxnGq6uNI Another Madonna song that i sang very loudly a lot !

barbiedoll

OP, do what I did, get a copy of your wedding day photo and draw glasses, a moustache, buck teeth and a pair of devil horns on your husband. (Optional: write the word "w**ker" on it too) Take it away with you to your cottage and display it on the wall with a bit of Blu-tack. Look at it, laugh every day and thank your lucky stars that you are young enough to cope with this and you are resiliant enough to carry on and to live the rest of your life to the full. He will get his come-uppance sooner or later, his younger woman won't want to be hanging around with a pensioner when she's still in her prime, and her kids aren't going to be showering him with love and affection either, they have their own dad.

Don't let your anger get the better of you, it makes you feel better for about 5 minutes, then you have the days/weeks of shame and embarassment to follow. Don't bother acknowledge her at all, she really isn't worth worrying about. If your husband was having a crisis, any old tart would have done, she just happened to be available. And I doubt that their "relationship" will go the distance anyway, let's face it, they both know that the other is a cheat, how are they ever going to trust each other? He will always feel vunerable as he is so much older than her and she will always be worrying that every time they have a row, he will be scurrying back to you (not that you'd want him, obviously;))

Sort out the legal stuff and the finances, make sure that you're one step ahead of him. He will be sitting around with her, head in his hands, feeling sorry for himself, meanwhile, you can be protecting your assets and sorting out the rest of your life. Don't even try to engage with him now, you've done your best, he has made his choice so let him live with it. I can guarantee that he will regret it sooner or later, but that's none of your concern, you need to look after yourself. If you have to see him, be polite but disengaged. Try not to cry or shout, let him see that you have moved on and that you mean business. Don't let him tell you about his new life, especially if he has any tales of woe (and he will, you can bet your life on it!) don't let him push your buttons, he's had 27 years to learn how your mind works. Let him know that he is a stranger to you now, he won't like that and it will unnerve him. Be strong, don't get mad, just get what's yours and don't let him play you any longer. You deserve better and now you can go out and get it.

Good luck!

Xhale_2

Barbiedoll it reminds me what I did. We have a family photograph (whole extended family and irreplaceable. I stuck homer simpsons head over his face on the picture makes everyone laugh when they see it.