Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

vintagebrighton

londonsurrey wrote: »

What's an LBM, please?

Light Bulb Moment.... frequently talked about on the debt board

(Ooops, obviously lagging way behind in the reading!)

londonsurrey

vintagebrighton wrote: »

Light Bulb Moment.... frequently talked about on the debt board

(Ooops, obviously lagging way behind in the reading!)

LOL. But thanks anyhow.

sarymclary

FizzledOut, I've got a sneaking suspicion that you are going to be just fine.... despite having been lumbered with a husband, who in our eyes at least, has been left wanting on so many levels.

Having been through a marital break up with a complete to$$er, who did his best to make my life very hard, and called me for everything (the 'you're sloppy 2nds, who'd want you?' comment being one of his finest for galvanising me to get my own life back on track, and not wallow in the sorrow of my failed marriage).

I wish you all the very best of luck, but somehow feel you'll not need it, and can guarantee in 10 years time you are going to be in a far better place than he is.

FizzledOut

A little update (and I've been reading the thread "I think my marriage is over" with interest).

I've thought long and hard - in fact, thought about little else in the last 3 weeks - and, despite finding a BT bill where he'd called her from our home for a 40 minute conversation - !!! - told him Thursday night I didn't want him to leave, that I wanted our relationship to work out, at least to give it a try. 23 years married, 27 years together, it's at least worth a bash at counselling before writing it off. I said I knew he's been under enormous stress over the last six months (work, and being 50 last year). No pressure, said think it over and we'd talk when he had given it some thought. I gave him a hug (which he returned half-heartedly), we sat down and discussed ways of reducing several bills. The "hug" made me think he really wasn't/isn't interested in making a go of our relationship - the other woman would always be the "what if" element. I went to my sisters for the weekend - give him some time and space. Came back today, all fairly good at home, he's finally done a couple of outstanding chores. He went out for the evening (he has a very busy social life) - he left half an hour earlier than normal ... so I stopped him, and said - if he wanted to live in the same house, separated or not, there was no way I could live with him continuing the relationship with this other woman. Leaving half hour early so he could phone her ... coming back late so he could talk to her ... I'm afraid I had a weep, he left. And I checked his mobile phone bill (it wasn't difficult). Pages of calls to her. Between 10 and 15 messages a day (over 30 a day in November) over the last couple of months. The night we had counselling with Relate - our appointment at 8pm - he'd called her at 7.10pm, and sent her five messages between 9.45 and 10.20pm.

I feel so stupid, and let down. Called him, told him to come and get his stuff - threw a lot of it out the door. I don't know where he's sleeping tonight. Son left half way through my huge hissy and is staying at a friends overnight.

Oh. And today is my birthday.

property.advert

Half my house, I'm not leaving. If you want to leave, up to you.

Face it, the marriage is over, the kid is grown up, be sensible about finances, sell the property and go your separate ways.

Now if you take the advice of bitter nosed feminazis, they'll have you down the solicitor before you've had your morning coffee. Take some advice from one who has been there, do whatever you can to sort out an amicable financial split before you even hit the lawyers. Giving over tens of thousands to lawyers is pure madness and any victory gained at that point is lost when you count up the bills achieving it.

elantan

Happy birthday ... Wish it was different for you

What you are going through sounds really painful for you, how do you see things progressing from here ?

atrixblue.-MFR-.

FizzledOut wrote: »

A little update (and I've been reading the thread "I think my marriage is over" with interest).

I've thought long and hard - in fact, thought about little else in the last 3 weeks - and, despite finding a BT bill where he'd called her from our home for a 40 minute conversation - !!! - told him Thursday night I didn't want him to leave, that I wanted our relationship to work out, at least to give it a try. 23 years married, 27 years together, it's at least worth a bash at counselling before writing it off. I said I knew he's been under enormous stress over the last six months (work, and being 50 last year). No pressure, said think it over and we'd talk when he had given it some thought. I gave him a hug (which he returned half-heartedly), we sat down and discussed ways of reducing several bills. The "hug" made me think he really wasn't/isn't interested in making a go of our relationship - the other woman would always be the "what if" element. I went to my sisters for the weekend - give him some time and space. Came back today, all fairly good at home, he's finally done a couple of outstanding chores. He went out for the evening (he has a very busy social life) - he left half an hour earlier than normal ... so I stopped him, and said - if he wanted to live in the same house, separated or not, there was no way I could live with him continuing the relationship with this other woman. Leaving half hour early so he could phone her ... coming back late so he could talk to her ... I'm afraid I had a weep, he left. And I checked his mobile phone bill (it wasn't difficult). Pages of calls to her. Between 10 and 15 messages a day over the last couple of months. The night we had counselling with Relate - our appointment at 8pm - he'd called her at 7.10pm, and sent her three messages between 9.45 and 10.20pm.

I feel so stupid, and let down. Called him, told him to come and get his stuff - threw a lot of it out the door. I don't know where he's sleeping tonight. Son left half way through my huge hissy and is staying at a friends overnight.

Oh. And today is my birthday.

happy BD.

half of me wanted to screem at you for this post!!!
the other half takes a compassionate stance.

i'll give a male perspective. although not in midlife crisis, i try and help you understand a males mind!!!

by admitting you didnt want to split you showed yourself to be on the back foot and at his dominance reassuring him that he can say and do as he likes and youll roll over, he doesnt care for your feelings, he's just happy your there giving it ago to cook clean and iron his shirt ready to meet his bit on the side.

because your discussing something he doesnt want to do RE- giving it another go and for the sake of not another argument will tell you what you want to hear for an easy life, like going to councilling, because when things dont work out he can say I TRIED.

the half hearted cuddle back is a sign he cant bear to be to close to you, and would rather poke a pin in his eyes than show you affection.

if you put sex on a plate he will take it, after all youll be the stop gap in his needs for his desires and wont feel guilty about it because you offered it to him.

now youve thrown him out, he will give it a day or two and come knocking in the hopes youve calmed down and play on your fragile state of mind and wanting or longing for his company, during that time he would of most certainly met his bit on the side repeatedly where they could. he cant stay with her.... so he'll want to go back to having best of both worlds.

if you give in youll be in a viciouse circle full of lies deciet and fantasy, youll also be plagued emotionally on what did he get upto while he was out the house and away from you.

shower yourself in constructive support from friends and family, because if you want to be strong and give him the message that you are sticking to what you decided and have taken a final stand on your marriage your going to have to have that support in place.

he's taken your kind nature in the sense you didnt throw him out at first instance of discovery of his lies and deciet and turned it to his advantage given that you have in a way condoned his behaviour by alowing him to stay put all he had to do was be a bit more savvy when making calls and messages to her.

msb5262

Hi OP,
Happy birthday and please remember, it's probably going to improve from now...nowhere to go but up.
Things sound really hard for you just now and I must must go to bed but wanted to say, you're not alone. I've been there, done that and actually you've almost certainly had the very lowest point already. From now on, you'll gain strength from your anger and sadness, and you will cope with all the practical things. Then you will start to feel better.
Please make sure you do something nice for yourself today. I'd like to give you a massive hug and reassure you that things will improve. Give your girlfriends a call and sort something out!
Very best wishes
MsB x

Parva

Awww FizzledOut, {{{HUGS}}}. Sadly I have been in a situation where my wife of 16 years (and relationship of 21 years) broke down. Not as drastically as yours, she simply decided that she "didn't love me anymore". Now to be honest it would probably have been easier if she had cheated because then I would have felt anger aswell as sorrow but splitting would have been somewhat 'easier'. Unfortunately I knew the day was coming for at least a year before it happened and I chucked money at it (in the form of holidays and gifts) and hoped I could turn it around. Alas, I couldn't.

I'll never forget that last 12 months, the constant feeling of sickness in my stomach was overwhelming. How I managed to hold my job down I will never know, I was just in a zombified state, all I could think of was where was she, what was she doing, what could I do to save the marriage. It was horrible and an experience that I will never repeat again in my life! Deep down I knew it was over, I just couldn't accept it. When it finally really was over, sure, I did the grieving for about 6 months (it literally is like a death). I then suddenly found that some days I wasn't thinking about her, it was like a revelation. That 'sick' feeling in my stomach had gone and I had dropped from near 17 stone to 12 stone, that was at least one benefit.

Whilst my situation was different I do understand how you feel. However, don't do as I did and continue flogging a dead horse. I can't begin to tell you how liberating it was to have the divorce papers served on her, I actually wanted to do it and it felt fantastic! Concentrate on looking after yourself now and try not to shed anymore tears, he really isn't worth it. His treatment of you is utterly shameful and dare I say not representative of the majority of men.

Furthermore, I believe in karma, it really does work! One of the biggest issues in our marriage was my wifes love of her job, to the extent that she would have to just "pop-in" on a Saturday morning as she went shopping and spend 2+ hours in there, unpaid. We've been split for 6 years now, divorced for 4 so it's taken a while but karma has finally caught up with her. She was on a very good wage, she was a manager. Well I don't know the ins and outs but I do know that the Polish guy she trained up to do her job is now really doing her job after she got made redundant! That was over 6 months ago and she still hasn't found work.

Forget this p***k and get on with your own life, he isn't worth the tears and rest assured that karma will get him (as if taking on someone so much younger with 2 children in tow wasn't enough of a problem)! lol Good luck to him and his prostit...errrm escort girlfriend.

{{{More hugs}}} xx

tealady

Hi
Re FB (it's something I NEVER use so pls excuse my ignorance). Could you set up your own FB page with pics of you looking glammed up and current ones of him looking at his worst. Then link your page to his. I bet the other woman has a sneaky look!