Separation = Secrets, lying and spying

thorsoak

He doesn't want to move out? He wants to be single? Then let him be single! Let him have the spare room - tell him at what times he can use the washing machine/iron, give him a shelf in the fridge/freezer so that he can keep his food separate from yours - and stop cooking/washing/cleaning for him.

As the others have said, treat yourself the way that you would like to have been treated - eat out occasionally (you can do this on your own, as I've had to discover - take a book with you) - go to the cinema/theatre, stay in town after work and go for a drink with colleagues occasionally - just don't be around. Put a lock on your bedroom door, so if you do stay away overnight he doesn't get the chance to use the marital bed - if you get my meaning.

He wants the single life? Let him live the single life!

meer53

Been there, done that. In a nutshell, married for 24 years, ex having affair with girl 20 years younger, didn't expect to be found out. I did, on Xmas day 2002. Fast foward to today....

I kicked him out, eventually. It took 12 months for me to realise that i was being stupid. I DID have MUG on my forehead but only because i thought i loved him and we have 2 kids. One was 2 and the other 15 when all this kicked off. Luckily there were no major financial issues for us, he moved out and in with his slapper GF.

What i'd say to the OP is, go with your own feelings, listen to what others are saying, but make your own decisions, in your own time. Don't make any hasty decisions either, always give yourself plenty of time. For me, one day i was wonder woman, the next, i couldn't even get out of bed.

I'd get on with things if he's going to carry on staying with you, let him know that you don't need him (even if you do) don't do anything for him, be polite, nice even, but don't go overboard ! It will wind him up, i guarantee it. Tell him you'd like him to move out as soon as he can and that you'll be seeing a solicitor for advice.

I think most of the advice you'll get on here will be along the same lines, it really surprised me at how many women go through this and that on the whole, they're all much happier now. Me included !!

FizzledOut

See, now I'm glad I posted as, with my brain being scrambled egg right now, it's been difficult to clarify stuff.

Son does know, he's the most absolute wonderful kid, wants to support us both (but says his dad is bang to rights on all this). I want to involve him as little as possible ...

Up to Wednesday night at Relate I would have been open to discussion about reconciliation, but I was so hurt by some of the things he said (he is very active, sports etc - the fb woman has photos up of herself in a gym - and said I "do nothing". Disregarding the two hour daily commute and full time job, which escaped his notice.

As an aside - and this is where I expect many sharp intakes of breath - as I know her name through facebook (which she's quickly made private since confrontation Sunday), I've also seen her profile on Twitter, where she has a photo of herself, a photo of both daughters, she mentions both by name in tweets, the age of one of them. I know where she works (Sainsburys shelf stacker. I know where her husband works. I've checked phone records and know her phone number. I know where she lives. I know how much she got through an online charity for a walk last year. Now, I'm not a freak, I'm not some "Eastenders" fishwife, I'm not going to act on any of this, but, jeez, people, I found out all this since Sunday!

georgiesmum

NO don't move out. Why should you. All you will be doing is making room for the gf and her kids.
If he won't go do as tsstss says,get him to move to the spare room and don't do anything at all for him. Have separate food, lock the cupboard if necessary, leave his washing in the basket, let him take it to the gf. See how she copes with that. Hope your debts are in his name only. No time for giving in and being "reasonable " which is what fells always say when they want their own way. This is your life he has ruined and he has to be aware of this, and that things are not going to go all his way.
I don't really agree with the going out all dressed up part and pretending to have a lovely time. That is so obvious and anyway who can be bothered. To be seen as a bit relieved to be getting rid would be my stand. keep asking when he is moving in with her.
It does look as if she thinks she has found a meal ticket for herself and the kids. I bet he will hate a house with a couple of kids in it,and your son won't be best pleased at taking second place to someone else's kids.
Good luck to you. You sound like a strong woman and i hope you sort yourself out.

meer53

FizzledOut wrote: »

See, now I'm glad I posted as, with my brain being scrambled egg right now, it's been difficult to clarify stuff.

Son does know, he's the most absolute wonderful kid, wants to support us both (but says his dad is bang to rights on all this). I want to involve him as little as possible ...

Up to Wednesday night at Relate I would have been open to discussion about reconciliation, but I was so hurt by some of the things he said (he is very active, sports etc - the fb woman has photos up of herself in a gym - and said I "do nothing". Disregarding the two hour daily commute and full time job, which escaped his notice.

As an aside - and this is where I expect many sharp intakes of breath - as I know her name through facebook (which she's quickly made private since confrontation Sunday), I've also seen her profile on Twitter, where she has a photo of herself, a photo of both daughters, she mentions both by name in tweets, the age of one of them. I know where she works (Sainsburys shelf stacker. I know where her husband works. I've checked phone records and know her phone number. I know where she lives. I know how much she got through an online charity for a walk last year. Now, I'm not a freak, I'm not some "Eastenders" fishwife, I'm not going to act on any of this, but, jeez, people, I found out all this since Sunday!

This will make you laugh.. I found out, via a friend who was doing some digging on my behalf, that my ex's GF is an escort !! :eek: You should see the photos on HER website !!

I've managed to restrain myself from letting her know that i know what she does, but i've managed so far ! From the wonder that is Facebook, i've also discovered that most of her family are possibly in the running for a role in Shameless.

suki1001

OP - you remind me of a fab lady I once knew (a friends mum). Her husband ran off with a younger woman who had younger children. Their own children were at uni, or pretty much flown the nest. He was clearly having a midlife crisis - he'd bought this rediculous motorbike.
Like you - his wife was incredibly dignified. He left and went to live with this girl. I think he found it difficult, the daughters were younger and turned out to be a bit wilder. His ex-wife moved on, met a nice man, whose wife had also run off with someone else and moved abroad and was having a fair old time.

I bumped into my friend's dad from time to time. Occasionally, we'd have a catch up chat, as I'd lost touch with my friend. Interestingly he told me he completed regretted leaving his wife, he still lived with this other woman, but for the short time he was happy, it soon came home to roost, when he realised he had to financially support her and deal with daughters who were going through their teenage years.

I think he completely hadn't seen he was having a midlife crisis, she was younger so he was flattered by her attention, but it wasn't really what he wanted and I think he realised how good his wife actually was to him and what an amazing person she was.

I doubt he ever told his wife he regretted what he'd done, but I think he had done for a very long time.

You sound like an amazing person too, he obviously doesn't realise or appeciate this at all. I have no worries that however this comes about that you will be happy however it turns out. He however is doing a very good job of making his bed.

RacyRed

FizzledOut wrote: »

the fb woman has photos up of herself in a gym -

I wonder how long ago they were taken? :whistle:

Good to see you keeping your chin up. :T

Give son time, maybe his eyes aren't quite open yet.

And the facebook stuff is just you doing your research. FB woman has a husband? I don't know why but I assumed she was single. Ok, so that is why he hasn't packed his bags already. (The fact that he probably hasn't seen her for 12 years would have no bearing at all on his willingness to pack his tackle straight round there if he could, after all, we have already established that he is a plonker who can't keep his mid life crisis within reasonable bounds and has problems with the difference between reality and fantasy).

FizzledOut, just remember, he has done hurting you now. And he IS NOT getting it all of his own way from now on in.

You are a strong woman and we are here for you with tea/coffee, tissues, advice (good and bad), lots of experience, terrible jokes (that'd be me) and whatever the hell else we can do to help and support you.

Stay as positive as you can (hugs)

clearingout

I think your first port of call should be https://www.wikivorce.com. Lots of people there going through the same thing. It will astound and amaze you just how 'by the book' this kind of thing is. They all behave the same, say the same things, do the same things. It's all very....yawn.

Have a look at that site - get to grips with the legalities of separation and divorce ('cos you need to if you're not going to have him walk all over you, don't rely on any solicitor to do it for you, understand what is happening yourself) and then make a list of questions you want answering. Post on that site and also take your questions to a solicitor - many will do a first half hour for free. Once you have an idea of what you're dealing with, you're in a far better position to be making plans and trying to make the sums add up.

As someone who was been there, done that, I can't shout loud enough about accepting you cannot handle the situation yourself - not just from a legal point of view, but also an emotional one. When one person does this, it's been on their mind for a while. They have had the opportunity to get to grips with it. You are left floundering several weeks/months/possibly years behind them. Don't listen to whatever comes out of his mouth in the coming months - it's all lies, manipulations and half-truths to justify his actions. Don't take any of it to heart, don't try and change, don't make promises to yourself that you can't keep. Focus on you and your future - work out what you're going to do now, how you're going to make it all add up. New haircuts, new clothes, anything else that makes you feel good about you is great. Accept invitations - any invitation - put a smile on your face and get out. See it as an opportunity - one door closing, another one opening kind of thing. See a counsellor if you need support. Work out who your friends are (it can be difficult - loyalty is a strange thing - I lost a number of good female friends who had husbands who were good friends with mine and of course, they were duty bound to believe all the crap my ex was saying) and make a few new ones!

It takes time, but you will come out the other side of this with a new life and wondering what all the fuss was about. Take care of yourself above everything else as no one else will. And good luck!

clearingout

oh and lock down your Facebook account (if you have one). Block him at all known e-mail addresses. Block her. Block any friends who appear in both their lists. Block any friends you know will take his side. Then resist urge to unblock.

I can tell you that the one thing that drives my ex insane is knowing that I have a life now that he knows not one dot of information about! He has tried everything to get into my Facebook list of friends to see what I'm up to!

Lotus-eater

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Whatever you decide to do your OH needs a 'wake up' call.

Maybe, maybe they both needed a wake up call, maybe the marriage had gone the way of so many. They take each other for granted.
After all, he did say he likes having a(nother) woman interested in him.
So he thinks that the OP is not interested in him. She's busy, so when did she last give him something special?

It does sound like a mid life crisis. But women don't tend to understand a male MLC.

I can see that whatever I write now I'm going to be shouted down. So I'll leave it at that.