Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

Errata

FBaby wrote: »

Doesn't that bother you? I personally would take it as a lack of trust on his behalf, that he would prefer to hide things from me because he didn't think I could cope/react appropriately/support him/advise him etc...

I would feel highly offended if my partner didn't feel he could rely on my support in such a stressful matter with me. That lack of trust would certainly put me off sex with him!

I would feel exactly the same. The problem is the OP clearly stated in one of his posts he isn't going to tell his wife because he "didn't want her pity".

Seanymph

No, I don't take it as a lack of trust, and it doesn't bother me. Because it's him, it's how he works, and it's how he approaches life.

It isn't how I approach life, but he does. I love and accept him, he's my husband, and therefore I accept that.

It isn't that he tells anyone else anything, he likes to think things through, work it all out, then he shares it. And it's not about trust - he trust me with everything - it's about how he approaches new things.

It isn't about withholding something from me, it isn't about me - So I leave him alone to function like it.

If he had reached a conclusion and shared and was immoveable it would bother me, he isn't - it isn't that he only gives me conclusions, he will, once he knows how HE feels, ask me how I feel - but he does his working out for himself first.

We are all different and all work in different ways - I'm completely the opposite, I share every mad idea that crosses my mind and he has to humour me but I rarely do anything concrete about it and then move onto the next mad idea!

he thinks everything through, then talks to me once he feels sure it'll work that way.

Part of being married is accepting each others approach surely?

I'm sure if it was something that really affected me and I asked him to share things he would - but it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

FBaby

That's fair enough, I definitely accept things from my partner that others definitely wouldn't so I know what you mean, but that's the thing, what one accepts, another wouldn't, and it could very well be a trait that OP's wife doesn't accept.

Almo

FBaby wrote: »

Doesn't that bother you? I personally would take it as a lack of trust on his behalf, that he would prefer to hide things from me because he didn't think I could cope/react appropriately/support him/advise him etc...

I would feel highly offended if my partner didn't feel he could rely on my support in such a stressful matter with me. That lack of trust would certainly put me off sex with him!

But can he rely on her support?

consultant31

z.n wrote: »

First relationship, 31 years in (about the time my parents got divorced). All the usual ups and downs of family life. Many of the complaints mentioned in this thread have cropped up at one time or another and they can all be sorted if the will is there on both sides. It is never a permanent fix- more a question of constant maintenance. So problems can re-occur. But the solution is always there if both parties are willing to hunt it down. (famous last words!)

That's the Op's problem in a nutshell........both parties have to willing and clearly his wife is not.

aliasojo

I would absolutely love the OP's wife to post.

I expect things from her pov may be quite different to the OP's take on things.

I don't mean the OP is not being truthful, just that this (to me) seems a women are from venus / men are from mars type situation.

bitemebankers

aliasojo wrote: »

I would absolutely love the OP's wife to post.

Hell yes.

I don't mean the OP is not being truthful, just that this (to me) seems a women are from venus / men are from mars type situation.

This too. And it's so often being framed in terms of justification and blame, which isn't very helpful to finding an amicable resolution to this kind of thing.

victory

aliasojo wrote: »

I would absolutely love the OP's wife to post.

I expect things from her pov may be quite different to the OP's take on things.

I don't mean the OP is not being truthful, just that this (to me) seems a women are from venus / men are from mars type situation.

It would be a completely different take that's for sure:D

She would probably say that she was hurt about the gambling, spent many a night crying and wondering if the house was going to have to be sold, if she could afford to feed her kids, if it was going to stop...

That she was not listened to, that she is not involved in her husbands life because he keeps vital pieces of information away from her, that she is unable to support him because he is secretative and distant......

victory

eggandbacon wrote: »

I've been reading all the posts and thank you all for your input. It really is appreciated.

I had a brief conversation with her last night. She says she gives me everything in her life. Cooking, cleaning, working part-time, looking after the kids etc and the only thing she doesn't is the sexual side. Even that I can have more regularly 'if she has to'. Is that enough? I don't know. Is that because she's cosy with what she's got? I don't know.

I take the points about losing weight (which I am) Not gambling (which I'm not) and doing more for her (which I am). I've also had some more news today. I've got another job elsewhere. I took the interview at the same time as my other one, which I passed. So it appears that I have the choice of two. So nice to feel wanted but not as nice as feeling loved.

I'd love to tell her about my hospital issue but this is something I have to deal with myself. I'm a big boy and if I'm honest when all the big decisions have come my way in life, I've always had to deal them alone. This is no exception.

This is such a lack of communication it's palpable:eek:
You gambled, never considered her feelings in all your gambling times just you, she supported you, was still there for you and you gave up, fair enough

You let yourself go and put on weight, you expected your wife to put up with it, you never once considered her feelings and now you are loosing it, fair enough

You have OCD and your wife has to put up with that, fair enough

You have life changing decisions to make/medical tests to go through, alone because you choose to, alone because you are not communicating, she is not privvy to what her own husband is going through, is not respected enough or valued or her opinion to count to give her the chance to be sharing, not fair enough

So because of you, the way you have dealt with things, the decisions you have made, you have caused her a lot of pain and she has become, guarded, insular, which you now take as 'difficult, not putting out, troublesome'.

She won't tell you she loves you, she won't have sex with you, she won't show emotion, would you?

eggandbacon

victory wrote: »

You have life changing decisions to make/medical tests to go through, alone because you choose to, alone because you are not communicating, she is not privvy to what her own husband is going through, is not respected enough or valued or her opinion to count to give her the chance to be sharing, not fair enough

She is respected and valued. Ultimately it has been me who has had to make the major decisions throughout our marriage, and whether through luck or skill (or a bit of both) the right decisions have been made.

My only fall was with the gambling and to be fair I didn't gamble what I never had although I could kick myself the money I must have wasted. But better quitting late than never. Other people may spend a fortune on ciggies.

The health issue is a personal thing. My wife has enough on her plate without extra worries and I certainly don't want pity. The appointments can be fitted in during my work hours.