Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

FBaby

I've been thinking about this thread last night and I do think you do have a control issue which you find acceptable but ultimately probably had an impact on your marriage. Despite what I wrote, my partner is similar to you in that his philosophy in life is that if he faces a problem, he deals with it on his own. He also has OCD tendencies. His attitude is that he constantly aims at excelling at what he does, and that if he does, he can't be questioned about how he has gone about things, because he has worked hard to do them right. What he fails to appreciate at times is that there is not just ONE way to do things right, and that what makes a relationship strong is to make the right decisions together.

When we got together, my partner assumed he would take on organising and leading on all important matters. It took me time to make him realise that I was extremely competent at doing things having been a -successful- full-time working single mum with very little support. It is just that we go about it completely in completely different ways, but ultimately, I can do things right too. Last year, for the first time, he let his guard down and somehow let me arrange our whole holiday. Not a simple one as we didn't go via a package and we went somewhere we had never been before. He was a bit anxious before we went, but did admit afterwards that I had done a grand job with it all, and even admitted probably better than he would have done. Strangely, this was a big step in our relationship.

Take this to medical matters. Like you, I am pretty sure his initial attitude would have been to keep it quiet, deal with it himself and be all manly about it. But that's the thing, the strength of our relationship is based on the fact that I know that despite this, he would now want to share it with me because he would trust that I would be there to give him the right support and Gosh does sharing such a frighting matter with someone you love and trust feels good.

I strongly believe that without this trust, our relationship would have long collapsed. I couldn't be with someone who thought I couldn't handle important decisions or couldn't cope with providing support, or worse, who wouldn't want to. I wonder whether your wife has given up on trying to get you to share your feelings and emotions with you, share decisions which ultimately mean...share your life with her. It sounds like you have very separate lives, you with your work, gambling, health matters, her with the house and children. When there is no intimacy in the rest of your life, how can there be intimacy in bed? It sounds like you love her in that you have feelings of love towards her, but you are lacking the love that is a verb, an action, a constant show of these feelings. What better proof of love than to take the plunge and allow them to take some control, very much like that test of falling backwards in someone's arms.

victory

fbaby excellent post.:D

A marriage is hard work, it needs constant attention, the basic foundations need to be put in place right from the start, it's supposed to be a partnership based on mutual love, respect, it's give and take, support, understanding, listening, compromising.

OP which ones do you have? Which vital ones are you lacking?

I asked my OH last night from a mans point of view would he go to 2 interviews without saying? He said no, part of the interview lead up is doing some research of the company, bouncing of possible interview questions, getting the suit dry cleaned and getting the shirt just right googling the address, timing the journey etc etc so no he wants me to be part of that, supporting, listening, encouraging, helping.

I asked him what if he was worried about a medical problem, he said he would want to tell me, so we could google together/ work out what to do, for my support etc

When I told him this was a relationship, he said how could that be?

bitemebankers

Gavin83 wrote: »

What a guilt tripping post full of terrible advice.

If you read it properly you'll see that I didn't give *any* advice. As for guilt tripping - is that what you call pointing out someone's responsibilities? Seriously?

If advice is what you're looking for, see FBaby's post above.

Joons

Haven't read all replies but I feel for you, living in a sexless relationship would not be for me either, to me, it's part of it. The fact she is saying no is basically a big rejection, you need to find out why she doesn't want to show love in this way and, if, she still insists she can do without it, you need to tell her you can't and don't feel guilty, it's normal to want an intimate relationship with your partner, otherwise, you are just friends.

thehappybutterfly

Joons - you're a thread killer!

thorsoak

Now I have only read the first post ...the first one that you wrote - and do you know what my initial instinctive response was?

It was "a woman has stayed with a fat, overweight, controlling gambler, brought up his children, cooked and cleaned for someone who wants sex whenever he wants it - and he gets upset when she cannot say "I love you"?? She makes him coffee and sandwiches - what more does he want". What does HE DO for her???"

Am I surprised? No!

nickyhutch

I could not stay with a partner who wouldn't tell me he loved me and didn't want sex with me.

OP, you don't strike me as controlling, and you don't sound to have taken risks with the family's finances. I'm on your side here.

thorsoak

Talk is cheap - actions speak louder than words!

What have you done to show her that you love her?

SUESMITH_2

op, i really feel for you. me and my oh have friends in exactly the same situation as you. she only had sex to have children and once they had arrived it was basically no more and they haven't had any since - 18 years ago. he stays cos he loves her, and they seem surprised that we don't live like that as well. good sex is the glue that holds a marriage together in my opinion.

i think people have been unkind to you, i wouldn't want to live like you but for her there is no need to change as she has a nice house, kids, good standard of living and nice holidays.

Melonade

My initial response was that OP has stopped gambling (well done) certainly hasn't got in too deep and risked his home. Has realised he's over weight and is doing something about it (well done). Loves his wife a lot but isn't hearing "I love you" nearly enough and for quite some time. Isn't happy with the lack of sex and isn't sure how to fix the relationship.

I'm not seeing the controlling part tbh. But that he buys/spends when money needs spending otherwise his OH wouldn't do it.

I'd be sad if I loved someone and they rarely told me they loved me back. Sex is important and this must be a frustrating situation to be in.

I can't offer advice other than you really need to sit down and have a good long talk to get the answers you need to make a decision on your future.

Shame your not female then everyone could blame your OH!!!

Good luck.