Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

Errata

I've never controlled her knowledge about the level of my gambling.

You've stated in an earlier post that your wife didn't know how much money you gambled away. You can't have it both ways.

eggandbacon

Errata wrote: »

You've stated in an earlier post that your wife didn't know how much money you gambled away. You can't have it both ways.

Do you know how many chocolate bars your husband ate today? How many cups of coffee? He may be a coffeholic but not telling you. But if you don't ask you can't say he's hiding it from you. If that makes sense.

If she asked how much I had on a football match. I'd say £40 or £50 - whatever it was. Not £1. I'd tell her the truth.

arbroath_lass

Op why did you stop gambling?

And can you explain what you mean when you say you gave your wife half your salary? Was this for household expenses? What happened to the other half? I don't understand why you think the losses came from "you" and not your family.

Personally, I think you have seriously underestimated the effect your gambling has had on your family.

Not lying when asked is not the same as being open and honest.

eggandbacon

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Op why did you stop gambling?

And can you explain what you mean when you say you gave your wife half your salary? Was this for household expenses? What happened to the other half? I don't understand why you think the losses came from "you" and not your family.

Personally, I think you have seriously underestimated the effect your gambling has had on your family.

Not lying when asked is not the same as being open and honest.

I lost money that I had saved up. A couple of thousand pounds. It was money that I'd earned through a lot of hard graft and I felt absolutely furious with myself. That was a big wake up call and got me to work out how much I'd lost over the years. I'd never do it again.

My wife has a list of all our household expenses ie mortgage, electric, gas etc. This is all paid out before we split the remainder.

LannieDuck

OP, you've said a few times that your wife will put up with sex, but doesn't really want it. Do you know if she would welcome any sort of physical intimacy? Would she like to cuddle up on the sofa during the evening, or hold hands when you go out for a walk, etc? I'm just wondering if the spark's gone but might come back if she doesn't feel like it's a chore, or if she's simply asexual?

I also wonder whether she's just too tired, and would rather sleep?! You said earlier in the thread that she does most of the cooking and cleaning, and later you said that she holds down a part-time job too. You sound like quite a traditional household, so can I assume she does most of the childcare (with 3 kids)? She's probably exhausted.

Would it be possible to take her away for the weekend? Give you both a bit of a break and time to see whether there's still any chemistry between you as a couple.

Otherwise, I think counseling is the only way you're going to make any progress.

arbroath_lass

So after everything was paid (household expenses, clothing, kids' stuff, savings etc) you split what was left? Effectively you had the same spending money each?

If that is correct then I agree I don't think it is any worse than spending on anything frivolous and having nothing "to show" for it. As long as you weren't addicted.

Sometimes you come across as quite controlling then it seems to turn out that is not quite what you meant?

I still think, given what you've said about loving your wife, it is worth another go at saving the marriage.

You've seen on this thread how many different interpretations strangers can come up with based on what you said or didn't say. I'm sure none of them are exactly right (maybe not even vaguely right) but I hope they've given you something to think about.

Would you consider letting your wife read this thread?

Best of luck to you both.

trevor_john

Blimey, I sound like your wife. There are a few similarities in our life style also.

Me and hubby have been married for 11 years and known each other 17 years. I will be 50 soon and he's 54. We run our own business but money has always been ok, nothing great but not dire. My husband is a gambler. He has been gambling long before he met me and his first marriage broke up because his wife discovered that he'd lost thousands of pounds. She demanded to take over bank accounts etc. but he refused and they split.
The ironic thing is that she always took half of the winnings!! This is believable as hubby is a generous man.

Two years ago I had to use his computer and it was still logged into a betting account. He had lost two thousand pounds in one month. I was furious as we did not have this money as spare. He promised me he would stop but to be honest I don't know if he has as he controls finances.

We do not have children. Lately ( past couple of years ) I really have gone off sex. I honestly wouldn't care if I never did it again. To me it now feels disgusting and I keep thinking we are too old to do that kind of thing. I do like to cuddle my husband and to be fair to him he doesn't request it as often as he might but he does get narky from time to time and I have to give in to keep the peace.

I wonder if your wife feels attractive any more. I have put on a lot of weight and I feel yukky and about as sexy as a bullfrog!! I also have been diagnosed recently with ms and asthma which doesn't help.

My husband tells me he doesn't feel loved as I don't tell him that I love him very much and this I see as whining which irritates me beyond belief. I do tell him I love him but not every day.

He has also put on a lot of weight and I don't fancy him as much as I used to but isn't that normal for a lot of people after a long relationship.

He's also very untidy and messy which annoys me as I like to keep things clean and tidy. Maybe you have some really annoying habits which just p**s her off.

On the plus side, he is a good natured man and has a really good sense of humour and we do have some laughs together.

I do feel it's a lot of my fault about the sex part but I struggle to understand why it is so important to men. I get embarrassed now if we have to discuss sex whereas I never used to when I was younger.

Maybe your wife sees your two teenage girls as young ladies now and maybe they just remind her that she is getting older. Maybe she is just bored with her life and cannot see anything changing. Feeling old is a funny old thing.......makes you feel really down sometimes.

Your health concern may be clouding your judgment and everything probably seems a lot more profound than it probably is.

Your expectations from your wife may never be met and I can't say what you can do to make it better especially if she, like me, gets embarrassed about discussing relationships and problems. You've just got to ask yourself if you can live without her.

Floxxie

Sorry if I have missed this part of the discussion..have you considered your wife is passive aggressive?

Gavin83

bitemebankers wrote: »

Sounds like your wife has fallen out of love but has decided to do the decent thing and stay together for the benefit of your children. The decision you have to make now is whether to do the same, or whether to pull your family apart by leaving.

What a guilt tripping post full of terrible advice. Staying in a marriage that should have ended for the sake of the children produces far more damaged kids than divorce. I know a lot of messed up people who come from parents who shouldn't have been together but never actually split up. Kids will learn a lot from their parents relationship, would you really want your child to be in a relationship they're unhappy in because thats what you did?

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Then what's in it for her?

Surely sex is about mutual pleasure? I don't really understand your post.

Honestly OP, your wife sounds like an extremely cold person. It does sound like she's always been like this though so I'm still unsure why you married her in the first place. How are her other relationships?

It is of course a partners right to not want sex, I wouldn't expect someone to be forced into it or do something they don't want to do. However, it is also the other partners right to end the relationship. However being unwilling to deal with the issue just shows a complete lack of respect and there is no way I could live like that.

I also, unlike most don't see a problem with the gambling. He didn't really seem to gamble anything he couldn't afford away and his wife didn't seem to have a problem with it. How can it honestly be a problem in their relationship if she never communicated this to him? The OP decided to stop by himself after he lost a bit more than he wanted to, he didn't gamble away their future and none of this strikes me as an addiction.

As much as I disagree with the majority of the posts on this thread I do agree with one thing, I think you should tell your wife about the job offers and medical issues. She is still your wife after all and should support you on such problems. I can fully understand why you wouldn't want to tell her but it's not the way to go.

Marshflower

OP - You posted originally saying you didn't want to make it one sided, yet I've read all of your posts and I don't think I've seen you take responsibility for any part of this. You have an excuse or justification for everything. It may well be that your wife is a cold, hard nosed individual who is just happy with money and no passion and uses sex as a weapon as some have implied, but I find that very very unlikely. I think it's far more likely to do with how she feels about herself and within herself. But whatever is going on with her, this isn't just down to her - it's down to you as well. You don't seem to accept that you may have done anything wrong - you even justify your gambling as being absolutely fine when if it's caused a few rows in the past, it clearly wasn't fine. I just can't help but think you want to find a reason to blame your wife for this situation. It's just the way you come across in your posts. Not once have you said - fair enough, yes I could have done better, I screwed up here/there.
It sounds like neither of you are willing to take any responsibility for what is happening nor communicate in any way.
Ultimately, whoever's "fault" it is, as is often the way in a relationship, if you want to get past this and make it work then one of you has to be the bigger person and start reaching out to the other. And if you do want to save your marriage then maybe that person has to be you - regardless of if you think your wife deserves that kind of action or not (and it sounds from a lot of your posts you maybe feel not). And I don't mean just one half hearted conversation when the kids have gone to bed. This takes time and effort. The question is, is that what you really want? Is that what your wife really wants? And if so, are you prepared to be that bigger person, stop blaming her, accept responsibility for your part and put in the huge effort it will take to move forward and save this?