Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

heartbreak_star

OP, I'm not surprised you can't think straight - but at least try and take some positiveness from the fact you've been offered new jobs.

With regards to your wife - option 1 is to sit down and say "We draw a line under everything, no more references to the past" and try to work it from there.

Option 2 - and my preferred one - make a life for yourself. Take the kids out to give her a break, take up a hobby - maybe join a book club, go salsa dancing, try a bootcamp. Generally be unavailable for a couple of times a week. Make some friends of your own and above all get your sense of worth and confidence back - I'm sensing you don't have much of either at the minute.

Personally, after the needling about how any show of love would be just an act, I'd have told her to remove her head from her backside before asking her exactly why she married me, but I'm sure you're not as temperamental as me

HBS x

trevor_john

The way I see it at the moment you need to prioritise the most urgent things in your life. First and foremost is your health above anything else, next is your job situation. Which is the one that promises you the most security financially, emotionally and with longevity.

Then I'm afraid your wife will be further down the line. I mean let's face it, things are not going to change there overnight are they? So you've got time on your hands there.

Incidentally, do you think you wife is having an affair?? Sorry to ask but that might explain a few things.

The post about the female colleague you gave a lift home is interesting and your wife's reaction. I'm ashamed to say that I have reacted like that myself with my husband and I know that I am being very selfish sometimes. Basically I think everythings hunky dory then when something appears to threaten my way of life then suddenly I become loving again. It's because I am scared of losing my husband and everything which revolves around him. I also know that my behaviour is a bit childish and if I were less selfish then I wouldn't have any need to react like this.

My husband cannot understand me sometimes because to him everything is black and white but there are so many grey areas with me!!:rotfl:

On the positive side, I think the fact that she showed some kind of emotion would suggest she cares enough about you not to let you go.

It's actually great that you've been offered 3 jobs. That's very special in this current economic climate and something you should be proud of. Whenever I have to make a difficult choice I always write a list down of PRO's and CON's and that helps me decide.

Good luck with your health and whatever you decide to do.

heartbreak_star

Trevor_john, at least you seem to recognise your behaviour which the OP's wife blatantly doesn't.

I wonder if she'd miss him or just worries about how she'd cope without her meal ticket and nice house.

I know I'm being really harsh towards my own gender here, but nobody in a truly loving relationship has to ask for affection.

HBS x

victory

eggandbacon wrote: »

I remember a couple of years back I was dropping a female colleague off after work for a few weeks, whilst she didn't have a car. One day my wife asked why the car seat was pushed forward and I explained. She seemed fine with that and was so relieved that she cried, saying she thought I was having an affair. It was good in the bedroom for weeks after.

This is very interesting. She obviously realised she had become complacent and feared her life changing and you leaving. Shows she has feelings. Then to say you can have more sex but its just an act throws that out of the water:eek: hum, do what heartbreak - star said option 2, it may give her another 'wake up call'

Melonade

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I wonder if she'd miss him or just worries about how she'd cope without her meal ticket and nice house.

HBS x

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning!!!

Looking at it from that way round she has it pretty cushy. Got the kids she wanted, a part time job, nice house, half of another wage (once bills are paid) no responsibility of major purchases. Flipping eck your OH has it pretty good. I don't mean that to be too harsh btw.

She may well be hurt more than you know about the gambling but like I said before, you didn't lose the house and you have stopped gambling now!! This has got to be left in the past and I don't think it's fair to pull it out the bag when she needs a reason for her attitude towards you.

She has been honest about shows of affection being an act, seriously that would send me running. If I didn't feel giddy when my OH gets in from work I'd be worried... even when we've had a row and we've been together for 18 years.

Can you put up with what you have now or isn't it enough. Look after yourself and don stay together for the sake of children, it hurts them more.

FBaby

Has she indeed always been reluctant to show affection, and did she quickly in your relationship show little interest in sex.

Only you can know if it has a ring a truth or whether she is using this as an excuse not to give you what you want because she just doesn't want to.

Newly-Wed

Hi. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time.
I firmly believe that separation and particurlarly divorce should only be considered as a last resort, so I'd say fight for your marriage and maybe suggest to your wife you go see a marriage councellor.
If separation is the only answer, then you should do it in a civilised way with minimal arguments, and if you want to seek love elsewhere, then I'd wait until your separation or divorce has been finalised (or at least put in motion), and be honest about it to your wife and children - nothing can condone a lie.
Whatever you decide, remember that you still need to take into account your Children and how they might be feeling - I'm guessing they've noticed things aren't right.

Good luck and be strong.

Squirrel2000

I have been married for over 30 years and believe me it is no easy ride. Throwing in the towel for pastures new may seem attractive at moments of extreme hardship or stress but it will solve what exactly? Looking at the facts: you have OCD and have had a gambling problem. You admit that your wife probably bears the brunt of the household chores and combined with the stress of your condition, she probably feels exhausted. You have teenage children which, let's face it, could try the patience of a saint. Give yourselves a break. Recognise the problems and talk about them. Your wife sounds amazing. Have you told her? Try to walk in her shoes and ask her to walk in yours. You may have to live as brother and sister for a while to work things out but if you are patient with each other and respectful enough to listen you might just get to like each other again. Don't give up too hastily.

heartbreak_star

I don't think the OP's ever had a gambling problem, per se - more that it was a hobby that his wife didn't like.

HBS x

HeadAboveWater

trevor_john wrote: »

Basically I think everythings hunky dory then when something appears to threaten my way of life then suddenly I become loving again. It's because I am scared of losing my husband and everything which revolves around him. I also know that my behaviour is a bit childish and if I were less selfish then I wouldn't have any need to react like this.

My husband cannot understand me sometimes because to him everything is black and white but there are so many grey areas with me!!:rotfl:

:eek::eek:

You are me!!!
(except I've zero confidence and I'm insecure as opposed to selfish if you get me )

From reading this thread, counselling is maybe the best way to go. You're trying to communicate which is great. With every relationship there has to be compromised, but it can't all be one-sided either. It's a matter of working together to figure out what works best for you as a couple.