Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

eggandbacon

My world is in utter turmoil at the moment. I just don't know whether I'm coming or going. I know this sounds utterly unreal but today another company has approached me with a job offer. I went to two a month or so ago not knowing if I'd get a promotion and now I have three to choose from....................I'm still shaking my head with disbelief.

At the same time I know my hospital appointment is getting closer and will be bang in the middle of when I'd start my new job - two have the same start date. If it is the worse (God forbid) I'm thinking if I'd be better keeping with my old company. I can't think straight at all.

I've told my wife today about the jobs. I've also explained that I have a doctors appointment 'but shouldn't be anything'. We've had a bit of a row as it does seem she blames me on wasting money over the years. It has built up some resentment I think but even after telling her that she could run the finances if she liked (I don't have a problem with that) she still says that she just isn't a passionate person. 'Do you see your Mum and Dad cuddle?' 'Do you see my parents hold hands?'. 'If you want it more you can have it more but it is an act - that's all'.

We are talking fine tonight. I made the tea...........again. I've been for a long walk today as part of my fitness plan and am back in work tomorrow still as confused as ever.:(

ecgirl07

eggandbacon wrote: »

My world is in utter turmoil at the moment. I just don't know whether I'm coming or going. I know this sounds utterly unreal but today another company has approached me with a job offer. I went to two a month or so ago not knowing if I'd get a promotion and now I have three to choose from....................I'm still shaking my head with disbelief.

At the same time I know my hospital appointment is getting closer and will be bang in the middle of when I'd start my new job - two have the same start date. If it is the worse (God forbid) I'm thinking if I'd be better keeping with my old company. I can't think straight at all.

I've told my wife today about the jobs. I've also explained that I have a doctors appointment 'but shouldn't be anything'. We've had a bit of a row as it does seem she blames me on wasting money over the years. It has built up some resentment I think but even after telling her that she could run the finances if she liked (I don't have a problem with that) she still says that she just isn't a passionate person. 'Do you see your Mum and Dad cuddle?' 'Do you see my parents hold hands?'. 'If you want it more you can have it more but it is an act - that's all'.

We are talking fine tonight. I made the tea...........again. I've been for a long walk today as part of my fitness plan and am back in work tomorrow still as confused as ever.:(

i think thats a bit heart breaking, never mind the making love but not to get a cuddle coming home at the end of a hard day or to snuggle up on the couch and cat nap at the weekend would render a relationship meaningless.

OP you have to decide if this is make or break: do you want to live with a wife as a best friend/flat mate or do you want a certain level of physical intimacy?

perhaps marriage counselling might help with your wives resentment and your physical expectations?

myonlysunshine

Wow I think that's really sad that any affection from her
would be 'an act 'that's cold and callous, or very resentful I can't work out which one...whatever the outcome I hope your test results go your way and that you both find happiness be it together or not...life's too short for this kind of relationship ....good luck

Ruben1058

My husband and I went through a dreadful patch when we seemed to live separate lives. At the time I thought it was normal with children in late teens off to uni - life still hectic and we hardly did anything on our own.
Sex life was pretty non existent and I wasn't in need of it until my husband said that he felt our marriage was on the rocks and we should look to separate!!!
Talk about a turn around - I was stunned and since then we have worked hard on our relationship for both of us. Long open chats. Our children have left uni and home since then and we now enjoy our lives much more as we have time for each other.
We said we would never hold anything back anymore. we were both angry with each other when I look back and mainly because we weren't being honest and communication was really poor.
Children never like to see their parents split up.
We did go through times when working wondering if it was going to work, but it really meant being truly open with one another, something I don';t think we had ever done.
Hope this helps

eggandbacon

Ruben1058 wrote: »

My husband and I went through a dreadful patch when we seemed to live separate lives. At the time I thought it was normal with children in late teens off to uni - life still hectic and we hardly did anything on our own.
Sex life was pretty non existent and I wasn't in need of it until my husband said that he felt our marriage was on the rocks and we should look to separate!!!
Talk about a turn around - I was stunned and since then we have worked hard on our relationship for both of us. Long open chats. Our children have left uni and home since then and we now enjoy our lives much more as we have time for each other.
We said we would never hold anything back anymore. we were both angry with each other when I look back and mainly because we weren't being honest and communication was really poor.
Children never like to see their parents split up.
We did go through times when working wondering if it was going to work, but it really meant being truly open with one another, something I don';t think we had ever done.
Hope this helps

I remember a couple of years back I was dropping a female colleague off after work for a few weeks, whilst she didn't have a car. One day my wife asked why the car seat was pushed forward and I explained. She seemed fine with that and was so relieved that she cried, saying she thought I was having an affair. It was good in the bedroom for weeks after.

Kynthia

I'm really pleased that you've been communicating with your wife as I think it's absolutely vital. However it's really disheartening to hear what she said about sex. For things to improve it needs both of you to want to change things and for you to agree on the important things. I'd continue with the communication and really push for counselling where you can both address issues such as resentment over the previous gambling and sex/love. However if things don't change you may get to a point where you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker.

Vortex1

I have just come out of a loveless relationship after many years. As I look back now I can't believe how many things I (and I am sure she feels the same) put up with on the pretence it was for my children.

We should have separated years before, I can see that now. We got stuck in a rut and were going through the motions which in the end led to resentment. I always clung to the hope it was going to get better but it never did. It has been hard for me both emotionally and financially but I can now see light at the end of the tunnel.

Only you can tell if your relationship is over and you are just there because of familiarity. I always thought our children would be destroyed if we split but if anything they seem far happier now.

Good luck.

Marshflower

Vortex1 wrote: »

I have just come out of a loveless relationship after many years. As I look back now I can't believe how many things I (and I am sure she feels the same) put up with on the pretence it was for my children.

We should have separated years before, I can see that now. We got stuck in a rut and were going through the motions which in the end led to resentment. I always clung to the hope it was going to get better but it never did. It has been hard for me both emotionally and financially but I can now see light at the end of the tunnel.

Only you can tell if your relationship is over and you are just there because of familiarity. I always thought our children would be destroyed if we split but if anything they seem far happier now.

Good luck.

The sacrifice you made here was admirable, if misguided, and for all the right reasons - you thought you were doing the best by your children. No one can ask for more than that. And it's done now - no point in regretting. As your children are older I am sure they will understand.

To anyone else considering staying together for the kids - nip it in the bud now. Many parents think children cannot sense that their parents are staying together for their sake. It is a very wrong assumption. The atmosphere between parents who are doing that is often palpable - even if you save your rows for when they are in bed. Children- older and younger - are hugely sensitive to the undercurrent of emotions their parents give off. Most, including myself, would rather have had two happy seperated parents than two together and desperately unhappy parents. Plus, the burden of knowing your parents are staying together and being unhappy because of you is awful. And you don't have be told this directly to be aware of and understand it. Don't forget - your relationship is the primary example your kids have of how to form their own future relationships. Don't let them learn that coldness or lack of communication or blame is acceptable. Show them how to put the hard work in to a relationship to try and make it work and, if this doesn't succeed, show them that you can be seperated and happy as two mature adults.

Michelin

Do you think your wife would agree to some counselling by herself? I think she has some intimacy issues that she may need some help with. Would it be worth a try? It might save your marriage and give you both a happy and fullfilling life together. Good luck.

Shineyhappy

Hi eggs,

Sorry that you are dealing with this all on your own. I think that your wife is acting very badly. I think you need to find a sitter for the kids and go away for a weekend. I think you need to have a serious heart to heart and tell her that you are not sure if you can live in a loveless marriage and she needs to have a think about where you both go from there.

I could not live without love and if my dh was not telling me that he loved me and was as cold as she is towards you then I would tell him that we either get help, make an effort or go our seperate ways. I know that it sounds harsh but I need love and affection. However whatever strangers on the Internet say you will have to live with consequences if she tells you to leave.