Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

eggandbacon

I need a bit of help. I'm in my mid forties and my marriage is in tatters and I need help. I'll be as honest as I can so you don't hear the one sided view.

I have three children. Super kids although as two are teenagers it can be quite tense in our house at times. Myself and wife have different ways we'd rather deal with the challenging occasions. This leads to my wife usually getting her own way and me usually driving off in the car for 30 minutes or going and lying on the bed, so I can clear my head.

I have in the past been responsible for gambling. This I stopped 12 months ago. I wasted quite a few grand over the years but fortunately we still have a nice house, new car and a lot of investments because of a lot of business I have done over the years. I'm Self Employed and Employed.

I am overweight. However after a heart to heart a month or so ago I have been on a fitness regime and lost nearly a stone. It is something I wanted to do and am revelling in the idea.

I have OCD which I have seen a counsellor for. This is mainly for washing hands, cleanliness etc.

So you know all my gremlins. Nothing else to hide. Here's my problem. I don't know if my wife loves me anymore?

My wife has never been the one to say I love you, although it did creep into conversation every now and again. She'd never be the one to ask for sex or anything. It would always be me and the vast majority of the time it would be no. Even when it was yes, a lot of the time it would be because she felt she 'needed' to rather than wanted to. I've tried asking her if why, but she has just said it is something she can do without. The problem is I can't. This has caused arguments and says I'm insecure when I say 'do you love me?'. The answers have been no, maybe and I'm not sure. Never a yes.

I can't go on with this any more. I love her to bits but I'm really starting to wonder now if I can carry on. In the past I've shared everything with her but I don't know if I can be bothered any more.I have a great promotion in the next few weeks. I haven't even told her. The more I go along the more I think I should just keep these things and my money to myself. It's always been split before which I think has been fair.

Do I look for love elsewhere even though I love her to bits and would hate to leave my young son - my daughters are teenagers and won't be around for long anyway as I guess Uni will be calling.

whitewing

No, you do not replace one dishonest, cheating habit (problem gambling) with another dishonest, cheating habit (an affair).

Marriage guidance would probably help a lot more than anything else.

balletshoes

a couple of things - you don't go looking for love elsewhere until you are absolutely positive you can't live with your wife anymore, and if you love your wife to bits, are you ready to move on to someone else? That might mean you bringing a whole heap of emotional baggage into a new relationship.

Also - it would really hurt my marriage if my OH told me he didn't love me if I asked him. I'm not one for saying those 3 little words either, it takes practice to say it, even when you mean it, if you're not used to doing that or hearing it. But I know its important to say it, and I do love my OH, so I'd never ever say I didn't.

Why does your wife say she doesn't love you? Did you ask her during a conversation about the gambling problems etc? If this was done in secret from her and went on over an extended period of time, I could see her saying she's not sure if she loves you, in those difficult times.

Would both of you consider counselling? It sounds like there are trust/commitment issues on both sides to be honest.

eggandbacon

balletshoes wrote: »

Why does your wife say she doesn't love you? Did you ask her during a conversation about the gambling problems etc? If this was done in secret from her and went on over an extended period of time, I could see her saying she's not sure if she loves you, in those difficult times.

Would both of you consider counselling? It sounds like there are trust/commitment issues on both sides to be honest.

Yes this did go on for many years. Not in secret although I spent more than she realised. It wasn't as if she asked how much do you have on this match? Not really deceitful.

But each time we argue she brings this and my OCD up. I ask her to draw a line in the sand. I've certainly given up the gambling. She has no worries there. 12 months now.

I am also awaiting a scan on a lump that worries the £$%% out of me. I can't share that with her.

delain

Have you sat down and talked, about how you both feel and why you feel it?

Or are you just stewing seperately and pretending you aren't unhappy?

eggandbacon

delain wrote: »

Have you sat down and talked, about how you both feel and why you feel it?

Or are you just stewing seperately and pretending you aren't unhappy?

We have talked. Last night we talked for two hours in bed after I was 'rejected' again. Resulted in me (rightly or wrongly) suggesting if she wasn't sure if she loved me, she'd be better off sleeping in the spare room. Which she did.

She is happy for us to spend the rest of our lives together. She reckons we get on well. It's just that she doesn't like sex and can do without it.

eggandbacon

Even now she's making me a cup of tea and lunch, as if nothing happened.

delain

The sex issue sounds like a big problem for you, will she listen to your feelings on the subject? (only asking because if she doesn't like it, she wont understand how you are feeling)

balletshoes

It sounds like you both have very different ways of dealing with processing information from each other. Thats another reason counselling might work well for both of you.

eggandbacon

delain wrote: »

The sex issue sounds like a big problem for you, will she listen to your feelings on the subject? (only asking because if she doesn't like it, she wont understand how you are feeling)

It is a big issue for me. Okay maybe she doesn't need it/want it but I can't live without it if I'm totally honest. One time a few months ago after another 'rejection' she said that she'd understand if I sought it elsewhere but don't expect it again from her. It's not something I'd do anyway.

eggandbacon

balletshoes wrote: »

It sounds like you both have very different ways of dealing with processing information from each other. Thats another reason counselling might work well for both of you.

I would but I'm not sure she would. Last night she said it was a private thing.