Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

Seanymph

But initiating sex, finding time, being supportive - none of these are exclusively the responsibility of the OP.

His wife doesn't, by his reckoning, offer support, understanding, sacrifice, effort........

She isn't meeting HIS needs - we are talking to HIM.

If she was here then maybe the view would be different - but to address the OP then she isn't meeting HIS needs - it isn't up to him to ensure she does by taking on responsibility for getting her to do it.

How much does it cost to tell your husband or wife you love them?

I can't help but feel that if you play the power game of witholding that from someone you are supposed to love then the issues are yours, not your partner who wants to hear it.

good_vibes

Seen this many times in different couples. Mid-life crisis

arbroath_lass

Seanymph wrote: »

But initiating sex, finding time, being supportive - none of these are exclusively the responsibility of the OP.

His wife doesn't, by his reckoning, offer support, understanding, sacrifice, effort........

She isn't meeting HIS needs - we are talking to HIM.
.

Yet she stood by him through his gambling. They are, in the end, HIS needs and he could, perhaps, help her to meet them by altering some parts of his behaviour. People get into routines or even ruts where sex is concerned and the less you have it, generally, the less you want it. The OP MAY be able to improve matters by changingthe routine.

Seanymph wrote: »

If she was here then maybe the view would be different - but to address the OP then she isn't meeting HIS needs - it isn't up to him to ensure she does by taking on responsibility for getting her to do it.
.

I think you're wrong here. And, tbh, that doesn't happen too often.

Marriage is about supporting each other. He doesn't actually seem to understand his wife HAS stood by him through, what I would consider, a helluva lot. His first thought seems to be to leave.

I am only trying to offer some arguments from the other side. As I said, maybe the OP has been through all this. Maybe not. It is worth considering

Seanymph wrote: »

How much does it cost to tell your husband or wife you love them?

His wife is being honest, as far as I can see. She doesn't know. Maybe she doesn't love him at the moment. It still doesn't mean the relationship is unsalvageable - she loved him once. Maybe the relationship is unsalvageable.

Seanymph wrote: »

I can't help but feel that if you play the power game of witholding that from someone you are supposed to love then the issues are yours, not your partner who wants to hear it

What if it is not a power game? What if she is so wrung out she really doesn't know?

I just think the OP needs to make the first move(s) here if he wants to save his marriage.

arbroath_lass

good_vibes wrote: »

Seen this many times in different couples. Mid-life crisis

I did wonder. Lost a bit of weight, maybe a few people have commented he's looking good and suddenly the grass is greener on the other side.

I hope that is my cynical nature.

good_vibes

Yeah, have seen it happen so many times and are aware of people starting to go down that road. Getting in touch with old flames on facebook etc, started with a recent health scare, weight loss, kids about to fly the nest.
I would like to be cynical too. But the grass is not always greener just more hurt with ripple effects.

DUTR

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I did wonder. Lost a bit of weight, maybe a few people have commented he's looking good and suddenly the grass is greener on the other side.

I hope that is my cynical nature.

Some of you would have seen some of my other posts, recently I have met up with my daughter's Mum and the ex, they were not big women, but both have lost weight, not necessarily through want of trying, but other factors have lead them to not eating, they were not big women to start with size 10-12, now size 6 or 8 to 10 .

Who is to say the OP has not lost weight through other factors ?
And for the record, sometimes the grass is greener, how many on this board are on their 1st and only marraige/relationship?

eggandbacon

I don't think I said I'd started looking elsewhere. I haven't. To be honest I don't think I have the energy. I'm holding down two jobs. The oldest two will need support shortly to pay for Uni fees (if I can) and I have a summer holiday to save up for - for all of us.

I'd just rather know if it is time to throw in the towel. If she doesn't love me now is it worth me wasting more years of 'our' lives together.

Sex wise I've asked her if it hurts in any way. She says it doesn't. She just can't see the point of it. She's got what she wanted from 'down there' - three kids and that suits her fine.

As for losing weight and pulling the women. I'm sure there are women out there who have a better sex drive and who also want loving. But I'd rather that be with my childhood sweetheart whom I've known since school. The wife.

I've tried harder with the house today. Done some cleaning. Made a roast. Done some ironing. But at the end of the day being loved is important to me. I want to share my life with somebody. Make plans etc.

arbroath_lass

DUTR wrote: »

Who is to say the OP has not lost weight through other factors ?
And for the record, sometimes the grass is greener, how many on this board are on their 1st and only marraige/relationship?

OP says he has started a fitness regime and lost weight. They do seem to be connected.

But you are correct, sometimes the grass IS greener. Sometimes it is not and by the time this is discovered it is too late. Surely it is worth a wee bit fight.

Still on my first marriage, only teenage "relationships" before that - I guess it shows .

geekgirl

OP when you and your wife go to bed do you spend time just cuddling with no moving onto having sex?
If you don't, try it, it can take the pressure off and help her relax a bit and maybe help her enjoy being in your arms, this will be a move in the right direction.

When I say try it I mean for weeks rather than hours

DUTR

arbroath_lass wrote: »

OP says he has started a fitness regime and lost weight. They do seem to be connected.

But you are correct, sometimes the grass IS greener. Sometimes it is not and by the time this is discovered it is too late. Surely it is worth a wee bit fight.

Still on my first marriage, only teenage "relationships" before that - I guess it shows .

Indeed he did I remember now, and he should feel better health wise for it too, I applaud you both for being with childhood sweethearts, a good many on this board are not (and it's not a critiscism) I do recall quite a few posts written by ladies on here from the perspective of the Op's wife and a lot of replies is to leave him, I don't see what is much different in the Op's case , deep down you only get one life and it may turn out he is wasted in this situation, nobody is perfect yes he enjoys a flutter but has still provided the essentials and more, so he is not all bad and no where near as bad as respondants are making out, he is somebody and is worthy and everybody deserves to love and be loved.