Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

aliasojo

I think you need to shut up and back off. Seriously.

You're in a rut. Life is crap. You are pushing for an affirmation of love in an uneasy circumstance. It's not too surprising you're not getting it.

You say you are/were overweight, had a gambling issue and have OCD. You walk out because you can't deal with things. I would imagine there was/is a certain amount of stress involved living with you. Please don't be offended, I'm not being accusatory, I'm just trying to explain why your wife isn't treating you and your relationship like the best thing since sliced bread. Relationships evolve, yours has evolved a certain way possibly because of events.

I think it depends on how much work you want to put in. If none, then you walk away (don't cheat!).

Watch 'FireProof'. It's a seriously cheesy Christian film that actually illustrates a useful message about saving a marriage. I'm not religious in the slightest and I came across this by accident one day (I thought it was about hunky firemen :rotfl:). I watched it anyway and it sent exactly the same message as the one delivered to OH and I when we attended marriage guidance...i.e. don't focus on what you get or how you're treated, focus on what you give and how you treat.

It might be worth a go before you throw the towel in for good?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It's hard feeling lonely or unloved.

Seanymph

Obviously she is getting what she wants out of the set up, because she's happy with the status quo.

You aren't getting your needs met.

Now, whether or not there is sufficient to keep you there and happy is up to you.

i read your post several times, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship on the terms your wife offers, but some people would consider it calm enough to carry on, isolated and lonely, but not alone

Personally I'd rather be alone than feel the deep loneliness you get from being in a so called 'relationship' that has no intimacy.

It's up to how much you are prepared to give up to retain the current balance isn't it.

arbroath_lass

Seanymph wrote: »

Obviously she is getting what she wants out of the set up, because she's happy with the status quo.

Or she could just be worn out with it all?

DUTR

eggandbacon wrote: »

Sorry if I confused you. Feb 2012.

OP stop apologising for being you, you have a right to be individual just like everybody else, if the physical side is important to you then you don't have to apologise for that, it's important for lots of blokes (and women) there is nothing wrong with that.
For me it's 50% of why I would be in a relationship and on top of that the 1st 50%, take that away and it's all over.
Anyways as others have suggested, perhaps a chat with an 'expert' .
Good luck with the dieting too :cool:

Firefly

It's not easy living with someone with OCD.
It isn't easy living under the threat of a partner gambling everything away.
It isn't easy living with someone who thinks the way you do about sex.

You need therapy. Until you get to grips with your issues your marriage is never going to work. Sorry to be brutal but if you really want to sort this then make an appointment with a therapist and start talking some of this through in a proper environment rather than on an internet forum.

Caroline73_2

Firefly wrote: »

It isn't easy living with someone who thinks the way you do about sex.
.

The OP likes sex and thinks it's a vital part of a relationship and a vital part of life. I don't think that's abnormal. The problem with sex in this relationship is that they have different needs, not the OP's perception of sex.

meritaten

I am just wondering how you try to initiate sex?
My OH seemed to think that 'How about a F***?' would get me in the mood! had the opposite effect! same with 'Come up for a Quickie?'
He really and truly turns me off! It makes me feel like an unpaid prossie. The few times he has just taken the time to hug me and cuddle me have paid off - but, he still hasn't gotten the message fully - and like your wife I find I can live quite happily without sex!
perhaps she needs to be shown that you need her emotionally too? that you can be tender and gentle, and will take the time to give her what she needs too?
because all through your post its been 'I need, I want, I feel,'

arbroath_lass

Caroline73 wrote: »

The OP likes sex and thinks it's a vital part of a relationship and a vital part of life. I don't think that's abnormal. The problem with sex in this relationship is that they have different needs, not the OP's perception of sex.

No, it's not abnormal but he doesn't seem to be taking his wife into consideration. Or maybe he has and things have already been ruled out.

It's not easy to find time or privacy for sex with two teenagers in the house. Do you have time alone? Is your wife concerned about your girls overhearing? How old is your youngest, OP? Did your wife have a difficult time with/after his birth? Is she still having a difficult time? Is she the same age as you? Could she be experiencing some dryness? Do you go to bed too late? Does your OCD have some off-putting symptoms? And so on.

Unless the OP's wife has always been like this then it does warrant some investigation.

None of these questions need answers on here but are, perhaps, worth thinking about. As is Meritaten's questions regarding initiating sex.

meritaten

Yes ^^^^^^ ! you don't have to answer on here if you don't want to! I just wanted to make you think about your approaches to your wife. She may think you just want her for the sex rather than loving her to bits and needing the intimacy!

Errata

" Not in secret although I spent more than she realised."
So it was in secret?

"Resulted in me (rightly or wrongly) suggesting if she wasn't sure if she loved me, she'd be better off sleeping in the spare room. Which she did."
And so would most other wives when faced with an ultimatum like that.

"Since we first got married it has all been left to me to deal with the financial side. If the kids needed presents for Christmas or we were to go on holiday, I'd always say leave it to me."
It wasn't 'all left to you', you told her to leave it all to you.

You love your wife to bits but are considering finding love somewhere else?

Sounds like somehow your head has become cross-threaded. Perhaps you need to get it sorted out.