Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

thehappybutterfly

Eggandbacon - honestly, you could have been my husband writing this (apart from the gambling and risk taking). Especially the part about asking if she loves you and getting a 'meh' response and the lack of sex. My hubby is quite needy and tries to be romantic and I hate that. I don't want him to be a !!!!!! but I want him to man up a bit. He'd constantly ask me if I loved him and it got on my nerves and he got a 'meh' response back. I do love him but not in a passionate, heart-stopping way the way he seems to feel. We're both in our early 40's and have had a few sex related problems through our marriage - he wanted it, I didn't. The last few weeks, he seems to have been a bit... off, distant if you know what I mean. I didn't think for one minute he was cheating on me as he's not that type of man but I was beginning to wonder if he'd gone off me or had stopped loving me. And that got me worried. He was supposed to be going out with the lads on Friday there, and when I got in from work he was lying on bed watching the TV and didn't come through to the living room with me. It felt like he was avoiding me and I knew I needed to ask him what was wrong - even though I was crapping myself at the answer. So I did, I explained that I thought he was avoiding me and was worried that he had gone off me. I was wrong as it turned out and we actually ended up staying in together..... in bed.... and that hasn't happened since our courting days!

What I'm trying to say is, give your wife a break, stop asking if she loves you, stop making the first move in bed and you might be surprised at the result! I'm not saying this would work for everyone but I had got to the point in my marriage that if my GP had told me I wasn't to have sex ever again, I would have had a party to celebrate! But as soon as I thought my hubby didn't want me, I felt completely different. Not in a competitive way - if I thought he was cheating on me, I'd have dumped his a$$ - but just the thought that he didn't love me anymore was enough to give me a jolt.

The problems with the kids won't last forever as you know - don't let the differences in discipline drive you apart. Once they've all flown the nest, you'll get your lives back. That's what we're waiting on! Ours are 21 and 16 - surely they can't stay with us forever?! :rotfl:

pmlindyloo

This is all about communication.

Talking about things for 2 hours after her 'rejecting' you is not communicating. That is talking after she has 'rejected' you and is bound to be full of resentment and probably defensiveness.

I am speaking about communicating as regards your life together.

If you keep seeing it as a sex issue then you are never going to communicate properly.

From what you say, you do not agree on how you 'manage' your teenagers. Do you agree on anything else?

You say you give her half of your money - again this is not communicating as partners. You should be sharing everything in your lives not seeing things as if you are 'separate' entities.

Put the sex issue to the side for the moment.

Find time to discuss everything but the sex. In fact don't mention it.

Decide how you are going to discipline/manage your children. You may not agree on everything so may need to compromise. You must present a united front to your children. Children are great at playing one parent off against the other. if there's something you haven't agreed on then tell the children you will discuss it with your OH first.

Discuss money issues. Make plans. Budget together.

Start finding time to spend together. Make dates together. Don't go 'over the top' as she will see it as 'getting her into bed'! Go to the cinema/out to dinner.

Stop asking for sex - then you won't be 'rejected'.

If you can start becoming a couple in the real sense then the sex may come back naturally.

Most marriages are worth fighting for.

BitterAndTwisted

I think you need to be brutally honest with her. About how little you're getting out of this marriage and about the things you haven't confided in her.

A promotion and a health-scare are massively important events and not feeling like you can share them must be very isolating and painful.

I do sympathise with you about having the gambling and OCD thrown back in your face at the least provocation. The gambling doesn't appear to have put your family's future financial security at risk and sounds to me like was a bit of hobby, rather than a totally destructive habit. Some people are risk-takers and you've brought that into your professional life to the benefit of you all.

To be cold-shouldered and rejected in the way you have must have cut you to the quick. To be told you're not loved and sex is only endured as a chore would be the last straw for me. I wouldn't want to try and put this right unless I was absolutely certain that it would be a two-way street.

jjj1980

I might not be best one to comment on this as my marriage only lasted until I was allowed to file for divorce, as within days of the wedding I found out about all the lies my now ex was telling and it just got worse.

I did try for a good few months to make hints work but I was resentful over the fact that he obviously thought he could lose money gambling etc, risk our homelife, my daughters security (she was only weeks old at the worse stages of his behaviour) but still expect me to want to be physically close and intimate with him. Whilst you say it was only your money you lost and the gambling stopped over a year ago, please don't under estimate that your wife was probably worried that at some point you would move into risking joint monies and that you may still go back to that lifestyle.

Being able to tell someone you love them means that you need to genuinely feel it and that you can safely allow your self to be in a vulnerable position, emotionally, with them with a sense of security that hey would never hurt you or let you down. When they do something that proves you cannot really have that trust in them, sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to not allow that vulnerable state, which consequently stops the feelings of deep, true love building.

I am a big believer of the saying "You hurt me once, that's your fault. You hurt me twice and that's my own fault".

With regards to the sex issue, I know this might not be he most sensitive thing to say but what if something happened to your wife which meant although she was fine in every other way, she would never be able able to have intercourse again and would get no enjoyment from foreplay etc. Would you feel then that whilst you loved her, you could not stay as sex was too important to you?

Caroline73_2

You say twice in your opening post that you "love your wife to bits" but nothing else in your posts suggests this. Maybe this is how your wife feels? Talk is cheap.

whitewing

post 1 you stopped gambling 12 months ago, post 16 it was 20 years ago? Unless I misunderstood.

Doing things that are risky to the security of the marriage (eg gambling, other women) is not okay just because you are open about the fact that you are doing it.

eggandbacon

whitewing wrote: »

post 1 you stopped gambling 12 months ago, post 16 it was 20 years ago? Unless I misunderstood.

Doing things that are risky to the security of the marriage (eg gambling, other women) is not okay just because you are open about the fact that you are doing it.

Sorry if I confused you. Feb 2012.

z.n

My understanding is that for some men sex is generally a good way to make themselves feel better- an antidote to worry and stress. The urge in other words is partially to make themselves feel good and this can make the initial move appear very self orientated to the recipient- too strong and overwhelming at the outset. For many women it is often necessary to feel good before anything even begins as a certain level of relaxation is essential to enjoy (rather than just 'put up with'). Often a man under stress will give off waves which can trigger a stress reaction in the woman. It is all a bit chicken and egg really and someone has change their attitude.

This may or may not be relevant to you and your wife- but might give you an idea about how deeply you need to think about things if you want the marriage to work long term. You have an addictive personality and are used to taking action to get things done- both can be a barrier in the bedroom.

Try to see things from your wife's point of view- she probably has a load of worries of her own she feels unable to share with you. She might be struggling with keeping house and kids going with too little imput from you. She might be suffering hormonal problems that require significant finesse and patience from you. Have you told her recently how much you appreciate the little things she does for you- like making lunch, being a good mum to your kids etc so she know you really see her?It could be that your wife is suffering from depression in which case she genuinely won't know how she feels about you-that is the nature of the condition. You might need to work together to find a way of dealing with the differing needs.

In other words, you need to have a real grown up adult conversation about how you communicate and ways to improve it/make allowances for each others' foibles.

[Deleted User]

Maybe, just maybe you both love eachother to bits, but youve both grown apart over the years. It does happen. It happened to me i loved my ex but wasnt in love with him. Hard as it was at the time, it wasnt fair on him either so we split (my idea), hes remarried now and happy. Im in a new relationship too. (This was 17years ago btw). Talk to her. Dont think of cheating on her, the grass isnt always greener on the other side and whatever you both decide if a split is the only way be prepared to live on your own. Could you do that? Without her and possbily your children?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Do you ever just give her pleasure without following through yourself?