Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

andygb

balletshoes wrote: »

Also - it would really hurt my marriage if my OH told me he didn't love me if I asked him. I'm not one for saying those 3 little words either, it takes practice to say it, even when you mean it, if you're not used to doing that or hearing it. But I know its important to say it, and I do love my OH, so I'd never ever say I didn't.

I think this is what shocked me most about the OP's post, because I cannot imagine a day going by without my wife and I saying "I love you" - several times.
We have been married for over twenty years, and we have had blazing rows, shouting etc (my OH is from a country where people are very passionate and tend to speak from the heart), but we always end up in each other's arms.
I think that there are serious issues which need to be addressed by a professional, if one person is saying that they do not love their partner, or that they aren't sure.

arbroath_lass

I appreciate your efforts but it is still a one-sided view.

Virtually every one of your paragraphs in the OP starts with I.

Have you considered how your previous behaviour has affected your wife?

You say fortunately you still have a nice house etc. Is it fortunate? Or have you been lucky? Has your wife spent a large number of years worried sick about money and losing your family's home? That'd put me of sex.

Whenever you disagree and don't get your own way you disappear in a huff. That'd make me wonder if you loved me and if I loved you.

You are being secretive. Now, in this case, it is actually good news but you haven't told your wife. Maybe she thinks you are gambling again?

You've only been stopped gambling 12 months that is no time at all for your wife. It will take a lot longer to regain her trust. Your wife has stood by you through a lot surely she is worth some effort?

But in the end only you and she can decide if it is worth it.

eggandbacon

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I appreciate your efforts but it is still a one-sided view.

Virtually every one of your paragraphs in the OP starts with I.

Have you considered how your previous behaviour has affected your wife?

You say fortunately you still have a nice house etc. Is it fortunate? Or have you been lucky? Has your wife spent a large number of years worried sick about money and losing your family's home? That'd put me of sex.

Whenever you disagree and don't get your own way you disappear in a huff. That'd make me wonder if you loved me and if I loved you.

You are being secretive. Now, in this case, it is actually good news but you haven't told your wife. Maybe she thinks you are gambling again?

You've only been stopped gambling 12 months that is no time at all for your wife. It will take a lot longer to regain her trust. Your wife has stood by you through a lot surely she is worth some effort?

But in the end only you and she can decide if it is worth it.

I've been a risk taker. No doubt about that. Totally opposite to my wife but she's known that since the beginning. Most have been calculated business ones and have come off very well. The only exception was the gambling which I regret a lot. But I have learnt from that. 13 months now to be precise.

As for being secretive. I haven't been secretive in the past even with gambling. I've been an open book to be honest. But when she says hurtful things (as mentioned) I wonder if I'm just better keeping myself to myself more.

whitewing

I'd be livid if my husband were gambling with our future, and just as livid - maybe more so - if he felt it were all right to do so as he was being open about it. Then expected sex. I guess you'd think it is alright to sleep with someone else if you were open about that too? I do understand how difficult differing sex drives are, but you really aren't giving your marriage a chance to move forward. And don't underestimate how much effect any of this will have on your soon-to-be grown up children. Childhood is short enough these days, don't wreck theirs even more.

eggandbacon

whitewing wrote: »

I'd be livid if my husband were gambling with our future, and just as livid - maybe more so - if he felt it were all right to do so as he was being open about it.

Firstly can I say that I have stopped gambling. However it is something I did well before we were married and that was 20 years ago. It has never been a secret. I'm really not sure where any deceit has come in. She has the bank statements. Half of my salary has always gone to her on my insistence. Any monies I may have lost - and yes anybody gambling out there you will always lose, has come from me.

marisco_2

eggandbacon wrote: »

Here's my problem. I don't know if my wife loves me anymore?

when I say 'do you love me?'. The answers have been no, maybe and I'm not sure. Never a yes.

To me it sounds like your marriage is on very shaky ground. When you ask your wife if she loves you she never says yes. Her responses as advised above must leave you feeling very insecure and upset. There is little to no physical affection or communication between you both, leaving you feeling rejected and frustrated.

On top of all that there are major things in your life that you dont feel able to tell her. In relation to the lump you have had investigated and are waiting the results of. That must be very worrying. So how come you cant turn to your wife for support?

You aren't gambling any more. Neither are you keen to make your wife aware of your upcoming promotion. So again there are financial issues you are not sharing.

At the moment you two are not a partnership. There is such little communication going on and this is driving you apart. Would it be too much of a stretch of reality to suggest that you two are more like housemates than husband and wife.

If this were me I would have to have a huge heart to heart and decide where to go from here next. No hanging back, just total honesty about how you feel and what you both want. You may hear things you don't like and so might your wife. Better to know exactly where you stand and then be able to decide on a way forward, than living in the limbo you are now.

Tiglath

On a practical note, how do you split housework and chores? Could she be exhausted on that front, in which case sex is just another thing on the list for her to deal with?

eggandbacon

marisco wrote: »

To me it sounds like your marriage is on very shaky ground. When you ask your wife if she loves you she never says yes. Her responses as advised above must leave you feeling very insecure and upset. There is little to no physical affection or communication between you both, leaving you feeling rejected and frustrated.

On top of all that there are major things in your life that you dont feel able to tell her. In relation to the lump you have had investigated and are waiting the results of. That must be very worrying. So how come you cant turn to your wife for support?

You aren't gambling any more. Neither are you keen to make your wife aware of your upcoming promotion. So again there are financial issues you are not sharing.

At the moment you two are not a partnership. There is such little communication going on and this is driving you apart. Would it be too much of a stretch of reality to suggest that you two are more like housemates than husband and wife.

If this were me I would have to have a huge heart to heart and decide where to go from here next. No hanging back, just total honesty about how you feel and what you both want. You may hear things you don't like and so might your wife. Better to know exactly where you stand and then be able to decide on a way forward, than living in the limbo you are now.

I don't think you are too far wrong is saying we are 'housemates'.

Since we first got married it has all been left to me to deal with the financial side. If the kids needed presents for Christmas or we were to go on holiday, I'd always say leave it to me.

To do this I'd get the money in whatever way I could. ie extra work, borrowing, gambling etc. The alternative would have meant we did without. She wouldn't/couldn't have raised money herself.

As for the lump and promotion. It feels quite lonely out there at the moment.:(

eggandbacon

Tiglath wrote: »

On a practical note, how do you split housework and chores? Could she be exhausted on that front, in which case sex is just another thing on the list for her to deal with?

A fair point. She does a lot more around the house than me although I've tried to do more of late. Too little too late?

Cookiee

OP I didnt want to read and run but wanted to respond.

You say you love your wife. What do you love about her? Have you asked her what she loves about you? Maybe with life and difficulties, these have gotten misplaced.


I understand what you mean about sex being important. I have a very high sex drive and my husband doesn't (unusual I know). What I have noticed from your post is when you try to initiate sex you feel rejected. You dont have to answer this on here but how do you initiate sex? Have you tried just being intimate? Asking your wife why she does not enjoy sex?


Maybe you need to restart your marriage. Whilst some people might see this as a step backwards, I suggest that you go on dates. Once a week just you and your wife, ideally out of the house and away from the kids. Talk about what you want in your future and be honest, not hold back because this is what triggers negative feelings. I know it is easier saying this then doing but sometimes just writing it down and reading it to your wife is easier than spontanious conversation.


You said you spoke for 2 hours the previous night but what did you and your wife gain from it? You are on this site expressing your feelings when really you should be saying this to your wife.


It has been mentioned about marriage counselling but what about individual counselling For both of you. Not even a stranger but what about someone you both can speak to who can act as a mediator?


Resentment and the feeling of rejection can build into something that will cripple you both. If you honestly feel that you and your wifes expectations of what you want out of a marriage is different, then dragging it out will cause nothing but pain.


Why have you not discussed your promotion? Secrets, no matter why you feel you need to keep it to yourself will just give your wife another reason to feel that your marriage is a lie.


Sorry to ramble but I wanted to give you some of my thoughts. I have been down a very simular road to you with my husband (gambling and he also cheated on me) but we are still together after nearly 17 years.


I do hope you and your wife work it out x Cookiee x