Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

Gavin83

She sounds incredibly cold. Sorry to be blunt but if it has always been like this why did you marry her in the first place?

It sounds like she doesn't care anymore and just wants to stay together for an easy life. In your shoes, if she wasn't willing to do anything about it (which it seems she isn't) I'd be looking for a divorce. The way your life currently is isn't worth the suffering. There's nothing worse than a completely cold partner.

Does she struggle with other relationships (children, parents, etc) out of interest?

Caroline73_2

sooty&sweep wrote: »

It's very easy to feel taken for granted in terms of running the home, sorting the children and frankly just feeling like a housekeeper. Do you do anything to make her feel special and appreciated ?
Hint hint It's mother's day next weekend !!

Jen

If she feels she is being unappreciated as a person and is feeling like a housekeeper and a nanny, how is the OP celebrating Mothers Day going to help?


She needs to be appreciated as a woman in herself, not her roles.

Seanymph

So pleased to see Gavin chip in as I too feel the OP is being blamed rather than supported.

You can be in a relationship where one partner DOES withold saying 'I love you' and deny affection and love - and it IS about power.

Whether the OP's wife is doing it as a reaction to worry about gambling or OCD or what who is to say - she is doing it.

It is easy when you have a partner doing that to take on huge responsibility yourself for the relationship, to take the 'blame' to question everything you do, to analyse and try to 'get it right' for your partner so that your needs are met within the relationship.

And to say 'should I continue to work in a relationship where my partner openly says they no longer love me' and to hear 'cuddle her' stuns me.

She also has a responsibility to make an effort - and that she is still there is NOT making an effort.

If the OP has made changes, is working hard for the family, is funding obviously a reasonable lifestyle, is offering his wife the reassurance that he finds her attractive and wishes to be intimate, that is still there with children approaching university age then he is not a bad man.

We all deserve a relationship which is equitable, leaves us feeling cherished and loved, and is mutually supportive.

now I get that all relationships move through dodgy patches, and sometimes one partner is putting out more than the other - but to be told by so many that you have to 'make more effort' and be 'understanding' to a woman who is making no effort or offering any understanding herself I think is awful.

The OP could end up feeling even worse about himself, with even less value within the family dynamic. He is of equal value to his wife, she isn't happy, she has said she doesn't offer him love, she wants no intimacy, she offers no hope for a closer future but has openly said it is convenience that holds her there only - and he is supposed to put up with that, or demean himself further to put HIS needs beneath hers whilst he tries somehow to work on her to get his needs met?

He gets to make a choice - is she prepared to do more to meet his needs? How can he support her to make that effort?

it seems he has done that and has been told that she will make no more effort, and the current situation suits her.

Then his choice is clear - is this 'enough' for him? or will it damage him as a person to offer the rest of his life to someone who gives him no value?

I know what I'd be doing.

As for counselling? There are more poor counsellors out there than good ones - I have been, a number of times, and it's never helped a jot.

Errata

Some men think that sex fixes everything, it doesn't. Affectionate behaviour - quick hug, peck on the cheek, a stroke on the back when passing - applied several times a day without the belief that it's foreplay, goes a very long way for many women.

FBaby

It sounds like your wife has had to be very patient with you in the past, maybe not always feeling listened to, maybe you a bit controlling, whatever it was, she became resentful, out of frustration most likely, and has had to make the decision or whether to go and lose out on a comfortable, predictable life, or leave you and face the big bad word. She seems to have opted for the first.

You say yourself that you feel like a cash machine... maybe you are. If you think of it, you have a wife who doesn't want to go out with you on a date, says she doesn't love you and doesn't want sex from you.... why is she with you then?

Unfortunately, it would seem that you have only now really faced the reality of your relationship, and I would think that it is likely it is too late to change your ways so that she might rekindle her feelings for you.

I hope I am wrong, but from what you say, it doesn't sound good. I think your best bet is to focus on you. Firstly, get that health issue sorted. It is heartbreaking to hear that you don't feel you want to tell your wife about it. She should be the person there to support you, yet you know she won't be. You have to have reached a massive low in your relationship to feel this way. Then continue to focus on your weight and maybe how you can better yourself. Don't do things for her, do it for you. She might like the new you, or it is too late, but if that is the case, then you can be a new you for someone else.

BugglyB

I think its incredibly passive aggresive of your wife to say she doesnt love you and doesn't want to have sex with you, but is happy with that status quo and thinks you should stay together.

Don't let her make you ashamed of your own needs. If I was you I'd save my own self esteem and leave. But that's just me. Good luck whatever happens.

BugglyB

Errata wrote: »

Some men think that sex fixes everything, it doesn't. Affectionate behaviour - quick hug, peck on the cheek, a stroke on the back when passing - applied several times a day without the belief that it's foreplay, goes a very long way for many women.

This is true, and I also think some women have no idea how it feels to be constantly rejected sexually. to never feel desired. As women we get used to the idea that if we wanted sex,we could get it, and we forget what power that gives us.

To the women on this thread who have said 'oh i can take it it leave it' - its unfair to expect your partner to live the next 4 decades without ever seeing a hint of desire from you. Or thinking that you see sex as a chore. I couldn't live like that.

Marshflower

I suspect your wife still loves you.
But I also suspect having read what you have written that she doesn’t fancy you at the moment. Sex and love do not always go hand in hand. You can love someone but not desire them. You seem to be equating sex with love and feeling that if she doesn’t desire you sexually, she cannot love you. In many people, when stress, depression, resentment or plain old tiredness is present, sex is the first thing to go out the window. Have you stopped to think that maybe her “rejection” of you isn’t directly about you, but about her and how she feels? And why she may be feeling that way? All the effort you have been making around the house and within your relationship sounds awfully recent. Changes in feelings take a long time.

You talk about money an awful lot. What about the non-cashable benefit she has brought to your home? I imagine while you were out earning the money you blew on gambling, she was raising your children and keeping your home. This is as valuable an asset to a family as financial input yet what comes across from your posts is that money is ultimately the more worthwhile input. It is not. You feel like a cash machine – I think this is because of the importance you place on the money you bring in over and above anything else – so you feel like it’s not appreciated sufficiently to your standards of importance. If you think about it, your primary pastime of gambling for the last however many years has been all about money. Maybe you could consider reordering your priorities a little?
Also, your gambling may have been all “up front” and she may have the bank statements etc – just because an alcoholic drinks alcohol in plain view of the family does not make it any less a damaging addiction. I imagine it must have been rather soul destroying for her to see you out of the home and working so many hours and then just wasting all that income, when if had you not been gambling she could have had you at home more often for the same income. This, combined with having to deal with two teenagers, your OCD plus various other things that go unmentioned I imagine have brought great stress to her. I’m not for one second presuming her to be without blame in all this – a relationship is the responsibility of both parties – however I only have your side to go on and so am responding to the impression your OP gave me.
Being dependent on a gambling addict for income when you have children must have been terrifying and awfully uncertain, despite the fact you appear to have been a “high functioning” addict and maintained a certain lifestyle whilst feeding your addiction. But just because you are now reformed and have moved on, don’t expect everyone else to have done. It's only been 12 months. Your actions will have left deep scars, scars which can only be solved by communication and re-establishment of trust. You say she never brought your gambling up - were you approachable? Did you make her feel she could talk to you about it? Or did you rebuff early approaches with "it's fine, I'm in control" or words to that effect thus setting the wheels in motion for her to feel unable to discuss it? You need to ask her this.
You must talk and find a way to move forward. I think you need to take a step back and REALLY take on board the impact of your behaviour. I don’t think from the impression you give that you’ve done this yet.
I genuinely doubt your wife is as cold as you are making her out to be (I don't think you are doing this on purpose, but you are describing your vision of her - I suspect the reality, were she to come on here and describe how she feels about the situation, would be very different).

I also think you are seeking your reassurance in the wrong place. Forgive the cliche but your wife cannot love you enough for the both of you. You need to find peace within yourself. Your recently recovered from addiction, your OCD, your negative relationship with food, all this smacks of someone in real inner turmoil. But the first step is to take responsibility and accept your rather large share of this burden. Once you have realised the damage caused, you can then start to heal it and yourself.

System

Errata wrote: »

Some men think that sex fixes everything, it doesn't. Affectionate behaviour - quick hug, peck on the cheek, a stroke on the back when passing - applied several times a day without the belief that it's foreplay, goes a very long way for many women.

Exactly. Enjoyable sex for me isnt just a quick jump in bed its all the little things that build up to it that make it so enjoyable.

Your wife obviously wants to be with you, now its your job to turn yourself into someone who your wife is proud of/can trust/feels secure in because with your track history you havent made a very good job of it up to now. She has probably built up barriers to protect herself. Those barriers are hard (but not impossible) to break down.

heartbreak_star

OP, first off have a *hug*, it sounds like you needs one.

IMO - and I'll probably get flamed for this - your wife has used you for children and a meal-ticket, and is now using you for an easy life.

Get away from the kids for a few hours, somewhere private - if you can get a night away in a hotel even better - neutral ground.

Ask her what she wants. Ask her where the love has gone. Tell her about your needs - that intimacy makes you feel loved.

If it wasn't for the kids I'd be telling you to cut your losses

HBS x