Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

DUTR

Judi wrote: »

Exactly. Enjoyable sex for me isnt just a quick jump in bed its all the little things that build up to it that make it so enjoyable.

Your wife obviously wants to be with you, now its your job to turn yourself into someone who your wife is proud of/can trust/feels secure in because with your track history you havent made a very good job of it up to now. She has probably built up barriers to protect herself. Those barriers are hard (but not impossible) to break down.

Agree the wife may still want to be with him, but for what reasons?
Perhaps the OP leaving would be for the good of his wife as she can 'easily' do better, and the OP realises that. As posted earlier, there is a lot of You this you that. Is the OP just here on the planet for the bragging rights of his wife?

heartbreak_star

OP - do you have any hobbies? If not, maybe you should take something up. It means you have something to channel your energy into, you will meet new people and feel like you're actually doing something for yourself.

Plus...if you're not always around, you might not be taken for granted when you are.

HBS x

System

Agree the wife may still want to be with him, but for what reasons?

That is something only she can answer. That is something only the OP can ask.

pink_princess

Time to fight, time to find out if you and your wife have a life together or not.

You saying that she says no to the two of you going on dates, have you tried bringing the date to her? Run her a lovely bubbly bath, light candles around the side. Then take her in a glass of wine while you warm her towel and robe.

Order a takeaway and put a movie on. Little cuddles here and there and being spoilt in little ways mean a lot more than expensive gestures.

I put my back out last week and every night my husband was standing watching out of the window for me pulling up from work. He rang out and carried all my work items in to the house for me. Priceless show of real affection.

Within weeks your wife will start to feel loved and wanted, you need to try before even considering spliting up.

bitemebankers

Sounds like your wife has fallen out of love but has decided to do the decent thing and stay together for the benefit of your children. The decision you have to make now is whether to do the same, or whether to pull your family apart by leaving.

Either way, you need to man up and make that decision.

I note the optimists around here have suggested that maybe your marriage could be rekindled, but from what you've said it sounds like it was on thin ice from the start, given that your wife hasn't ever (according to you) been particularly interested in sex. It's a bit late now, but I'm wondering why you married her in the first place? In any case, that's what you signed up for and what you've lived with for many years so why not see it though until your kids are grown up and then move on?

heartbreak_star

pink_princess wrote: »

Time to fight, time to find out if you and your wife have a life together or not.

You saying that she says no to the two of you going on dates, have you tried bringing the date to her? Run her a lovely bubbly bath, light candles around the side. Then take her in a glass of wine while you warm her towel and robe.

Order a takeaway and put a movie on. Little cuddles here and there and being spoilt in little ways mean a lot more than expensive gestures.

I put my back out last week and every night my husband was standing watching out of the window for me pulling up from work. He rang out and carried all my work items in to the house for me. Priceless show of real affection.

Within weeks your wife will start to feel loved and wanted, you need to try before even considering spliting up.

Aww your husband is lovely!

I don't think the OP's wife feels unloved...she has everything she wants. I think the poor OP feels very unloved though

HBS x

pink_princess

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Aww your husband is lovely!

I don't think the OP's wife feels unloved...she has everything she wants. I think the poor OP feels very unloved though

HBS x

I don't think she does have everything she wants. Why would anybody want to live in a lonely relationship?

bitemebankers

pink_princess wrote: »

I don't think she does have everything she wants. Why would anybody want to live in a lonely relationship?

Is it a lonely relationship from her point of view? I'm not so sure. That being said, most women want/expect some degree of stability from their partner, particularly when there are children, and from what the OP has said, he's not been altogether successful in providing that so I'm sure that from her point of view, she has an axe to grind.

Almo

Wow, a lot of these posts make me sad. A number of people seem to think OP's wife is justified in acting how she does because of what OP has done in the past (and hasn't done, plenty of people making assumptions too) but then berate him for keeping his medical issue to himself. I can completely understand not sharing his worries - it's a frightening time as it is but I can't imagine how lonely it would be to share a medical worry with someone who says they don't know if they love you. The OP is acting this way because of how his wife has acted in the past!

Sommer43

Seanymph wrote: »

So pleased to see Gavin chip in as I too feel the OP is being blamed rather than supported.

You can be in a relationship where one partner DOES withold saying 'I love you' and deny affection and love - and it IS about power.

Whether the OP's wife is doing it as a reaction to worry about gambling or OCD or what who is to say - she is doing it.

It is easy when you have a partner doing that to take on huge responsibility yourself for the relationship, to take the 'blame' to question everything you do, to analyse and try to 'get it right' for your partner so that your needs are met within the relationship.

And to say 'should I continue to work in a relationship where my partner openly says they no longer love me' and to hear 'cuddle her' stuns me.

She also has a responsibility to make an effort - and that she is still there is NOT making an effort.

If the OP has made changes, is working hard for the family, is funding obviously a reasonable lifestyle, is offering his wife the reassurance that he finds her attractive and wishes to be intimate, that is still there with children approaching university age then he is not a bad man.

We all deserve a relationship which is equitable, leaves us feeling cherished and loved, and is mutually supportive.

now I get that all relationships move through dodgy patches, and sometimes one partner is putting out more than the other - but to be told by so many that you have to 'make more effort' and be 'understanding' to a woman who is making no effort or offering any understanding herself I think is awful.

The OP could end up feeling even worse about himself, with even less value within the family dynamic. He is of equal value to his wife, she isn't happy, she has said she doesn't offer him love, she wants no intimacy, she offers no hope for a closer future but has openly said it is convenience that holds her there only - and he is supposed to put up with that, or demean himself further to put HIS needs beneath hers whilst he tries somehow to work on her to get his needs met?

He gets to make a choice - is she prepared to do more to meet his needs? How can he support her to make that effort?

it seems he has done that and has been told that she will make no more effort, and the current situation suits her.

Then his choice is clear - is this 'enough' for him? or will it damage him as a person to offer the rest of his life to someone who gives him no value?

I know what I'd be doing.

As for counselling? There are more poor counsellors out there than good ones - I have been, a number of times, and it's never helped a jot.

This. And in particular, the bolded part.

I don't know about anybody else, but we all make mistakes in marriages and partnerships and it appears the OP has stopped gambling and yet many posts are attacking him for his previous behaviours. Given that I was a raging drunk for years within my marriage, I would hate to have it thrown back in my face constantly. I have moved on from this and no person can never move on from addiction of any kind unless they're allowed to. The gambling is a smokescreen for his wife to hold the power over him and by witholding intimacy, it is mean and punitive. If she doesn't love him, he clearly does want to be with his wife and he wants intimacy with her, then she should be honest and upfront and tell him. Just because he had a gambling addiction does not mean that he should be continually punished.

As my Granny used to say, put a man in the doghouse, you'll soon find him in the cathouse. I did some demented stuff in drink and I was never forgiven for it, no matter what I tried to do... Some people don't have it in them to forgive. Which is fine, but equally, to continually make someone suffer is wrong and cruel.

She doesn't love you OP, you want to be loved and you want to love. That there alone is square peg in a round hole. Your children will always be your children, if you're not happy, she's clearly not happy, then I would say it is the end and as heartbreaking as this is, if you want happiness, then you can make it happen with a person who doesn't love you.

You deserve a person who loves you and you deserve a person to love. Being loved and giving love is a beautiful thing and we humans are very good at this... She's beating you up with her behaviour and you're clearly crushed. You want a life, then go out and get one.