Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

BugglyB

I agree with above post. Its going to take more than bubble bath to sort this relationship out!

It might be worth checking with your wife - if her withholding love and affection is because of the gambling - how long will it be before a line can be drawn under that?

Also staying together for the kids is over rated. I have many friends who have messed up views of marriage because their parents stayed together despite clear incompatibility and deep resentment of each other. Shudder.

I wonder if there's a gender thing going on here. If OP was a woman saying 'husband says he doesnt love me, won't go on a date with me and never touches me' would the advice be 'why not try giving him a foot massage or running him a nice bath?'. I'm not convinced.

abailey54

Hi OP

I think if your wife is rejecting you sexually, or has gone 'off the boil' then it should be her responsibility to explain that to you, or to tell you what she needs from you. It may be because of something you've done, but you aren't psychic, so how can you possibly make things better. At the moment it sounds like you are second-guessing, maybe if you do more around the house, make more food...etc etc things will get better

It sounds like you are trying hard to communicate with her and she is fobbing you off and not telling you how she really feels - I think in all the years of marriage you deserve to know.

Just speculation but it sounds like perhaps she hasn't had a very good experience of sex and perhaps hasn't experienced much pleasure from it in the past, or perhaps has even had bad experiences. But of course I don't have a clue, only your wife knows

My opinion is that marriage is something you end when you've fought to the bitter end and there's truly nothing left and it doesn't sound to me like you're at that stage yet. That said, I'm fairly young in my mine so it might be me being naiive

suburbanwifey

I've been married almost 26 years now (no kids, its just us so either of us could have bailed quite easily had we wanted to) and not a day goes by without my hubby telling me at least half a dozen times he loves me - before he goes to work, on the phone call he makes to me on his break at work, when he comes home etc. I tell him less, but that's just because he tells me so often! I'll be straight with you, if my OH told me he didn't love me or wasn't sure, that would be me done, there and then. Some things are unforgivable! and that is one of them. Gambling, that can be got over if it stops, there is regret and a change of ways etc. most problems can be solved with communication and meeting each other half way. The secret to a successful marriage is each of you doing the best you can to make the other happy (that includes sex, even when you don't feel like it and you never tell them that!!!! how hurtful!!!) We spoil each other all the time and always have, we share everything (nothing is mine or his, its all ours, everything - money, houses, problems, joys etc)

A lot of people could not ever fancy someone overweight, so I am thinking maybe your wife has gone off sex with you because of the weight gain. That can be easily solved! I am still the weight I was at 18, just fitter, more muscly, better really. Age is no excuse to get fat. Hubby cycles 80 miles a week to keep fit, he's still as fit as a chip and in same size jeans he was when we met. I feed us a LOT (we are greedy) but we eat well and no junk food. Its possible to stay slim and eat plenty to fulfill you. Lose the weight, turn back into the man she married - romance your wife (how bored she may be if you never spoil her with a surprise gift or compliment - that sort of thing has kept me in my marriage almost 26 years so far and counting) Never gamble again, you'll never get wealthy giving your money to gambling organisations, you just make them rich. Fools errand truly. I would not advise an affair, if after losing weight, making an effort to romance and spoil her and giving your marriage everything you have got, you can then agree none of this is your fault. That's when you should leave her as you only have ONE life and when it is gone, that's it, no second chances! I'd like to see you put all your effort into your marriage, its worth saving. If you can't, get out, best advise I can give you in that situation.

Good Luck.

z.n

When the going get's tough, the tough get going.

My family is littered with the debris of divorce- not a pretty picture. Broken families, parents estranged from children, grandparents estranged from grandchildren up and down the line (ie across 5 generations). That is why DH and I have agreed to do our best to stick together come what may. It is a choice like any other and having made it we work hard at it.

First relationship, 31 years in (about the time my parents got divorced). All the usual ups and downs of family life. Many of the complaints mentioned in this thread have cropped up at one time or another and they can all be sorted if the will is there on both sides. It is never a permanent fix- more a question of constant maintenance. So problems can re-occur. But the solution is always there if both parties are willing to hunt it down. (famous last words!) Is your wife a woman worth having- ie she is probably not the absolute b...ch some posters have suggested!

OP you need to make a fundamental decision- are you willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work? If you are then you will need to change as things clearly are not working as they are. You cannot control your wife or how she feels so you will be taking an emotional risk- you could get shot down in flames but surely it is worse not to try?


Start by considering how your attitude and behaviour over the last few years has affected the emotional state of your family members. You seem distant from your female children- a coincidence??? Have you withdrawn for a reason? Consider if you have resented the attention they have got from your wife/is your emotion an adult one or actually a bit silly in the light of day? Do you treat your wife as 'one of the girls.'

Be gentle and kind to the children- pay attention to them and especially the girls. See how your behaviour affects them- they may find it easier to say how your attitude affects them emotionally. Teenagers if pushed will let you have it with both barrels- especially girls. Let them teach you how to make them laugh,how to really trust you. Demonstrate they can rely on you.

Take positive steps to repair your relationship with your wife. It may be too late- that will be up to her, but her willingness to stay in the marriage suggests there is scope for improvement. I would suggest a first step is to explain why you are distressed, jumpy and distant at the moment- tell your wife about your health worries. Apologise for not telling her before- give her time to process the information and wait for her reaction. Use it as a litmas test for the chances of turning things around. After all these years she should be your best friend. If she isn't then that is the root of the problem right there. See if the new air of openness can include you confirming that you have no interest and never have had any interest in anyone but her. She may have worries on this score-put them to rest.

Sort the communication and the sex will sort itself. You might need to change how you initiate things and give up on some of the daydreams going on in your head. But that's life. You do need to give your wife the chance to tell you how to do things better and be willing to stop without blame if it just isn't working. But to get to that point she needs to trust you- and for that I think maybe you will have to first show you trust her.

What, after all, have you got to lose apart from a bit of dignity?

ps- have just read the suggestion by surbabanwifey about romancing her. Tread warily. With two kids in the house a romantic gesture most appreciated by me is DH putting the bin out without being asked or doing that niggly 3 minute job fixing something/clearing a plug hole/fixing a broken toy. Get the kids to pick up the mess. Check the oil on my car etc DH lets me have complete autocartic control of the tv remote- how romantic is that? And no money need be spent-even better! Nevermind overblown gestures- who's got time or patience for any of that when dinner has to be cooked, homework organised and uniform ironed before I can sit down with a cup of tea. I know not everyone will agree-but a bunch of expensive flowers given at the wrong time can be chopped into small bits and immediately binned (has been done- along with dinner in the bin!) Also, surprise meals/trips are risky- better to ask exactly what to do and then you won't get it wrong especially if you are not fully au fait with the kids' timetables. If my husband tried to 'romance and spoil' me I think I would have to hit him!

heartbreak_star

I still think she needs to change more than he does. No wonder he feels lost - he's being used.

Also, surely if you deep-down truly love someone, that connection helps you fancy them? My OH could lose his hair, put on loads of weight, anything...and I would still fancy him because I love him and that's a turn-on in itself.

HBS x

FBaby

eggandbacon wrote: »

My wife has never been the one to say I love you, although it did creep into conversation every now and again. She'd never be the one to ask for sex or anything. It would always be me and the vast majority of the time it would be no. Even when it was yes, a lot of the time it would be because she felt she 'needed' to rather than wanted to. I've tried asking her if why, but she has just said it is something she can do without. The problem is I can't. This has caused arguments and says I'm insecure when I say 'do you love me?'. The answers have been no, maybe and I'm not sure. Never a yes.

OP, every time a friend has reported such behaviour with her husband/partner, it's been when she has admitted fallen out of love with him.

I think what you really need to do at this stage is to become clear in your head whether she does love you or not. If she doesn't and is staying with you out of convenience, you need to decide whether you can accept the situation and make the best of it, or want out. If you can get it out of her that she does love you, but is just unhappy, you need to decide whether you are prepared to work hard to try to make her happier. If she does love you, but is satisfied with the level of intimacy you share (sexually and else) and not really prepared to change it, you need to decide whether her love is enough to keep you going.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Do you ever just give her pleasure without following through yourself?

I'll take that as a no then.

eggandbacon

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

I'll take that as a no then.

I'm sorry, it got lost in all the posts. Not often.

System

Maybe she's just gone off sex. A lot of my friends dont have it any more, they class it as a form of 'evil'. How so many of them got pregnant beats me. Its like once they hit 40 they just turned off.

Maybe its an age thing, or maybe she's tired. One thing is for sure, you need some straight talking before you make any decisions.

Maybe she's on medication. Apparently according to my doctor a few years ago i'm on enough medication to knock a horse out and i'm three sheets to the wind most of the time and very forgetfull but aint lost the urge thankfully.:D

eggandbacon

I've been reading all the posts and thank you all for your input. It really is appreciated.

I had a brief conversation with her last night. She says she gives me everything in her life. Cooking, cleaning, working part-time, looking after the kids etc and the only thing she doesn't is the sexual side. Even that I can have more regularly 'if she has to'. Is that enough? I don't know. Is that because she's cosy with what she's got? I don't know.

I take the points about losing weight (which I am) Not gambling (which I'm not) and doing more for her (which I am). I've also had some more news today. I've got another job elsewhere. I took the interview at the same time as my other one, which I passed. So it appears that I have the choice of two. So nice to feel wanted but not as nice as feeling loved.

I'd love to tell her about my hospital issue but this is something I have to deal with myself. I'm a big boy and if I'm honest when all the big decisions have come my way in life, I've always had to deal them alone. This is no exception.