Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

arbroath_lass

The big problem is we don't know the OP's wife's version. I really am just trying to suggest some things to think about. I don't think he is that bad (some of his posts made me wonder).

I don't recall any posts from the other side but I do tend to flutter about boards.

I hope he and his wife find happiness no matter how it turns out.

Amanda65

You say you have no secrets from your wife then go on to say you had a gambling habit that she didn't know was as bad as it was, have a promotion coming up that you haven't told her about and have found a lump but chosen not to tell her about that - doesn't sound very 'open' to me!

In addition you dismiss your teenage daughter's who you say won't need you soon as they will leave home to go to uni, but can't bear the thought of leaving you son - how unfair.

I fail to see how in one breath you can say you love your wife to bits, and in the next that you want to leave. If you love her, fight for your relationship - and not just by feeling offended when she doesn't want sex. If you want to walk - walk. Just remember the grass isn't always greener!

DUTR

Amanda65 wrote: »

You say you have no secrets from your wife then go on to say you had a gambling habit that she didn't know was as bad as it was, have a promotion coming up that you haven't told her about and have found a lump but chosen not to tell her about that - doesn't sound very 'open' to me!

In addition you dismiss your teenage daughter's who you say won't need you soon as they will leave home to go to uni, but can't bear the thought of leaving you son - how unfair.

I fail to see how in one breath you can say you love your wife to bits, and in the next that you want to leave. If you love her, fight for your relationship - and not just by feeling offended when she doesn't want sex. If you want to walk - walk. Just remember the grass isn't always greener!

Come on! How many have found a lump and not been totally worried about it? 1st thought is the big C, after the all clear that is when one maybe brave enough to tell others.

Amanda65

DUTR wrote: »

Come on! How many have found a lump and not been totally worried about it? 1st thought is the big C, after the all clear that is when one maybe brave enough to tell others.

I'm not for one moment suggesting the OP isn't (or indeed shouldn't) be worried about it - but he said he shares everything with his wife and yet hasn't told her this. I would be devastated if my husband was going through this and didn't share his worries with me - speaks volumes about the state of their relationship IMHO.

When I had a cancer scare (and thankfully it was no more than that) I needed my husband to know so that he could help me through the tests - he was an invaluable support and I couldn't and wouldn't have gone through it without him.

good_vibes

When was the last time you had a date night with your wife?

eggandbacon

Amanda65 wrote: »

You say you have no secrets from your wife then go on to say you had a gambling habit that she didn't know was as bad as it was, have a promotion coming up that you haven't told her about and have found a lump but chosen not to tell her about that - doesn't sound very 'open' to me!

In addition you dismiss your teenage daughter's who you say won't need you soon as they will leave home to go to uni, but can't bear the thought of leaving you son - how unfair.

I fail to see how in one breath you can say you love your wife to bits, and in the next that you want to leave. If you love her, fight for your relationship - and not just by feeling offended when she doesn't want sex. If you want to walk - walk. Just remember the grass isn't always greener!

I hear what you say but can't help but disagree. My wife never asked anything about my gambling. She saw money going in and out. Heard me say 'oh I've won' or '!!!! that lost me £100'. It was never questioned. So I hid nothing.

As I haven't been getting on with her over the last week or two I didn't want her pity when I was told that I needed a scan etc. It's not easy when you have the cold shoulder coming up with something like that.

Just the same as the promotion. I feel all I am is a money machine to our house. I'd like a bit of me time - not to gamble or anything, just to pat myself on the back for once, bearing in mind nobody else will.

Finally I would hate to leave the home. I love my lad to bits and it will put him through all sorts of emotions. I'm not going to be a mat that she walks on though. If she really doesn't have feelings for me anymore I'll have to go. I do have some pride left.............just.

eggandbacon

good_vibes wrote: »

When was the last time you had a date night with your wife?

I've tried. She just says she'd rather spend the money on a night with the kids. Last time it was us two about 2 years ago.

DUTR

Amanda65 wrote: »

I'm not for one moment suggesting the OP isn't (or indeed shouldn't) be worried about it - but he said he shares everything with his wife and yet hasn't told her this. I would be devastated if my husband was going through this and didn't share his worries with me - speaks volumes about the state of their relationship IMHO.

When I had a cancer scare (and thankfully it was no more than that) I needed my husband to know so that he could help me through the tests - he was an invaluable support and I couldn't and wouldn't have gone through it without him.

Not everybody is the same,some people , when the chips are down, there are no 'friends' to be seen, blokes are often solvers (you know the old proud thing of not asking for directions for example) .
I think the OP has and is trying, I'm sort of dissapointed with all the flaming he seems to be getting, and I can understand some of his feeling, in that whatever he does or tries is not ever good enough, and if things are good, no credit to him and if they are bad it is his fault.
Of course over the years it will wear somebody down, erode their confidence and make them feel worthless and the "I don't know if I love you" often a bad sign.

Somebody earlier suggested about the bedroom thing just having cuddles for weeks even months, there is the old joke about that, where the guy takes the Mrs shopping and then when all the items are at the till, he changes his mind about the purchase.

I digress , but the more I think about the OPs plight the more worrying it seems .

sooty&sweep

Hi

Firstly it sounds to me that you are a long way from wanting to give up on your marriage so No it's not time to wake up and smell the coffee.
But you do sound like you are questioning what you both want to get out and are getting out of your marriage. Not a bad thing as you can't tackle a problem if you don't recognise its there.
It's very easy to say those three little words "I love you" but they are meaningless if your actions don't back up those words. Some people aren't very good at saying those three little words but you know from their actions and those little gestures that show they care.
You say you love her to bits but do you show her ? and I don't mean flowers once a month. It's very easy to feel taken for granted in terms of running the home, sorting the children and frankly just feeling like a housekeeper. Do you do anything to make her feel special and appreciated ?
Hint hint It's mother's day next weekend !!

Jen

Kynthia

It's possible that your relationship will never be what you need. However I think there are things you can do before you decide that, but it is a long term project and not a quick fix so don't think one conversation will fix things.

You need to have a proper heart to heart with your wife, and not in the bedroom when you are feeling rejected. You need to either have couples counselling or set time aside for proper time together and discussion. Could you book a hotel for a night/weekend (although let her know it's not for sex) or arrange a quiet afternoon somewhere. Remember that it's a two way discussion, so you need to listen as well as talk. Maybe have some pre-prepared prompting questions to get things going and cover all topics. Then you'll both need to work on the issues discussed.

You feel lack of sex is a problem, but I would argue that it's a symptom of your other marriage problems. A very generalistic view of the differences between men and women are that - men need to have sex to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to have sex. While there are problems between you it might be that your wife will strongly feel like not having sex. Once she feels like she can trust you and has regular fun, romantic and intimate times with you she might then desire sex.

If I found out my husband had not told me about a medical scare I would be both furious and incredibly hurt. It would make me really doubt my relationship with him and feel we had a lack of trust and closeness. Please tell her as this kind of sharing is the intimacy needed in a relationship, but it takes work.

If she won't go to couples counselling then maybe go on your own for now. I think it will really help you. You can only control your own behaviour in a relationship and you may find that changes you make will gradually have an impact on her behaviour.