Is it time to smell the coffee or fight for my marriage?

victory

eggandbacon wrote: »

She is respected and valued. Ultimately it has been me who has had to make the major decisions throughout our marriage, and whether through luck or skill (or a bit of both) the right decisions have been made.

My only fall was with the gambling and to be fair I didn't gamble what I never had although I could kick myself the money I must have wasted. But better quitting late than never. Other people may spend a fortune on ciggies.

The health issue is a personal thing. My wife has enough on her plate without extra worries and I certainly don't want pity. The appointments can be fitted in during my work hours.

Why would she pity you?

eggandbacon

victory wrote: »

Why would she pity you?

Feel sorry for me then for being in pain, which I'm hiding quite well at the moment thanks to some medication I'm on. I guess none of us would like to see anybody go through pain.

victory

eggandbacon wrote: »

Feel sorry for me then for being in pain, which I'm hiding quite well at the moment thanks to some medication I'm on. I guess none of us would like to see anybody go through pain.

Oh please credit your wife with some intelligence and let her make her own mind up, no man is an island, stop matyring it and share, communicate, open up, be in a partnership not some lonely misunderstood old soul:D

lostinrates

I think this is all very, very sad. I am not going to suggest anything, but I do wonder if such lack of communication over fairly big things happens from one side, perhaps it does from the other too. I would I agile it's likely and were the wife to post she would also be being told how sad it is and how communication is important.

eggandbacon

victory wrote: »

Oh please credit your wife with some intelligence and let her make her own mind up, no man is an island, stop matyring it and share, communicate, open up, be in a partnership not some lonely misunderstood old soul:D

I don't see how telling her about it will change anything to be honest. It needs dealing with and I'm dealing with it. She doesn't need to worry so it is one less worry for me too.

I will have a word with her when the kids go to bed. If she is easy to talk to I'll discuss the job offers with her.

Callie22

eggandbacon wrote: »

Feel sorry for me then for being in pain, which I'm hiding quite well at the moment thanks to some medication I'm on. I guess none of us would like to see anybody go through pain.

Are you sure you're not hiding this so that you've got a stick to beat your wife with, the way that you feel she's using your gambling against you? I can't help but feel you're looking for something to hold against her ('I couldn't share this with you because you were so busy and you weren't sympathetic and I didn't think you cared, so I suffered alone and it was all your fault'), to excuse what looks like some pretty poor behaviour on your part for the past twenty years. We can only go off what you've posted here and that's only ever part of the story, but I really think you need to be a little bit more honest about some of the issues in your past, particularly the gambling. There's a lot of justification for it in your posts (I never spent more than I could afford, I was open about it) but I'm not sure you're appreciating the damage living with an addiction can do. And to me, reading your posts, it does look like it's been an addiction - you mentioned at one point that it was pretty much half your wage. That's not small beans and I can only imagine how stressful that was for your wife, and you.

eggandbacon

Callie22 wrote: »

And to me, reading your posts, it does look like it's been an addiction - you mentioned at one point that it was pretty much half your wage. That's not small beans and I can only imagine how stressful that was for your wife, and you.

Callie,I think you may have been mistaken, I never said half my wage.I did mention £100 as am example. It has never been a major issue although at times it did cause rows. That is why I mentioned it.

I'd never hold the medical issue against my wife. That wouldn't solve anything. I just don't want to worry her. I do love her a lot and have done for nearly 30 years -since she and I were teenagers.

ecgirl07

Callie22 wrote: »

Are you sure you're not hiding this so that you've got a stick to beat your wife with, the way that you feel she's using your gambling against you? I can't help but feel you're looking for something to hold against her ('I couldn't share this with you because you were so busy and you weren't sympathetic and I didn't think you cared, so I suffered alone and it was all your fault'), to excuse what looks like some pretty poor behaviour on your part for the past twenty years. We can only go off what you've posted here and that's only ever part of the story, but I really think you need to be a little bit more honest about some of the issues in your past, particularly the gambling. There's a lot of justification for it in your posts (I never spent more than I could afford, I was open about it) but I'm not sure you're appreciating the damage living with an addiction can do. And to me, reading your posts, it does look like it's been an addiction - you mentioned at one point that it was pretty much half your wage. That's not small beans and I can only imagine how stressful that was for your wife, and you.

half his salary went to the wife not on gambling - the mse board is really going to town on the gambling. Loads of people gamble as a hobby without it threatening their house or lifestyle.

eggandbacon wrote: »

Firstly can I say that I have stopped gambling. However it is something I did well before we were married and that was 20 years ago. It has never been a secret. I'm really not sure where any deceit has come in. She has the bank statements. Half of my salary has always gone to her on my insistence. Any monies I may have lost - and yes anybody gambling out there you will always lose, has come from me.

Errata

What you've said so far is -

You have controlled the family finances
You have controlled your wife's knowledge about the level of your gambling
You have controlled the information regarding your job offers
You have controlled the information about your lump

Perhaps the only control your wife feels she has is in the area of sexual relations?

eggandbacon

Errata wrote: »

What you've said so far is -

You have controlled the family finances
You have controlled your wife's knowledge about the level of your gambling
You have controlled the information regarding your job offers
You have controlled the information about your lump

Perhaps the only control your wife feels she has is in the area of sexual relations?

I've never controlled her knowledge about the level of my gambling. It was open for all to see. In fact if I ever won I'd often splash out on gifts or give her half.

Finance wise it is not easy to explain. I am self employed and employed. The employed money is easily split and easy accounted for. The self employed money is so hard to explain as some months there can be little or none, others a lot. In the meantime I have a lot of bills for the business to pay. I have asked her on a number of occasions if she'd like to be the book keeper but it has always been no.