Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

Spendless

rose28454 wrote: »

With my Mum she says one thing to one of us and something else to another one of us. Dad had Dementia or Alzheimers for about 18 months before he died but even now we are not allowed to say that he did because Mum says its not true. Its as if it is something to be ashamed of. I think Mum justs plays us off against each other. She is occasionally forgetful but no more than I am myself.

Exactly the same as my Grandmother. Eg she told my Mum last week she was limping cos the weather makes her arthritis bad in a morning, she told my husband she'd knocked her knee. In my Grandmother's case, it's part of her illness and it took us a very long time for us to comprehend what we were seeing. Please tell her GP. They can't do anything about 'just down to old age' but they can do something if she has a water infection for example that is causing confusion or get on her appropriate medication if it isn't just old age. You would at least rule out any health issues and know that it is Mum 'playing up'.

rose28454

I just spoke to the contractor and asked him when its best for Mum to come back and he said Thursday late would be best as it would be all but finished. I called my sister to tell her and she said oh well P"""" will have to have her tommorow night then . That is my younger brother and he does not have anywwhere for her to sleep downstairs. She expected me to say ok she can come back tommorow but I said no she will have to stay with you till then. She did not like it. She then called and said her husband said it will not take that long to do the work. ( he was an electrician before his stroke).
She is not happy and keeps ringing so I am maintaining phone silence.

exarmydreamer

Your doing the right thing, unless you step back no one will come forward to help. Think about the nice days and evenings your siblings have with their family. The fact that they can go away or renew an interest, this is not open to you as you are the only one looking after your mum full time.

Please step back and write to each sibling and explain why, you don't have to let them know anything about your private life or daughter but explain that you are tired and need to step back. If they truly care they will step up to the mark and help. Pay the cheque/pension when it arrives into her main account. You are not a bank, I'm sure you have lovely plans for your retirement years and you will need a nest egg of your own.

Sometimes in life, we have to step back. It could be from your children when they become adults, a relationship which has soured or in your case overbearing selfish siblings taking the p**s out of you. I hope you will be able to hold your nerve, as they may test you and hold back themselves as long as they can to see if it breaks you.

Enjoy your evening and try to push it out of your mind for tonight.:)

troubleinparadise

Why is your sister so worried about making sure the £12,000 doesn't get spent? Is the thought of potentially receiving ~£2,000 from your mum's estate the decider, or does she feel mum needs a "rainy day" pot of money to draw on?

There will still be the house (less whatever the outstanding mortgage and other debts might be) to potentially provide an inheritance if that is the issue.

In the meantime it surely would be kinder to your mum at 86 that she has a warm house to live in, has care to help her with her daily routine, and no worries about paying her bills. That surely is what the money from your dad was for, not saving it.

Families!! :eek:

pukkamum

rose28454 wrote: »

Sitting here writing this made me realise how bad things are with my family and how it cant continue. just called Mum to say I would be up later with her t and she was not pleased. But I thought no its Sunday and I am entitled to a day off aswell and so I said bye I will see you later.

rose I really feel for you I am ging through a bad situation at the moment with my family this is my thread
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4401749
I have no advice as I cannot see a way out of my own situation but I just hope you manage to stick to your guns and not be bullied into complying.

rose28454

Well half of the windows at Mums are in and quite a lot of electrics done. At 9.30 am had a call from sis to say could she bring Mum back today. I said I did not think so but would ring the contractor. I called him and he said that the work will not be finished until tommorow night and would be best for Mum to come home then or Saturday morning. Apparently electrician has to come back on Monday to do some work under floors upstairs but as Mum never goes up there then it wont affect her. Rang my younger brother to ask his advice as I know my sis will go off on one when I tell her Mum has to stay another night. So bruv said just leave it till lunch time then call her.
So I called her and said I was just going to check at Mums and call her back. She got all stressy and said i need to bring her back today. In the end I said contractor had said tommorow night would be best.
She started screaming at me ( in front of my Mum) that she had already stripped Mum's bed and she had to come back today. She said her and Mum would come over and have a look in 20 mins and see what was happening ( obviously did not believe me ). So I said ok but don't bring Mum cause she wont be able to go in as there is furniture and dust sheets everywhere.
She said she could no have Mum tommorow as she had an appt with a web designer and I said well cancel it. ( she has had a business for 12 years and no website 1 more day won't hurt).
So she came and then came to mine and I think she realises that it would still be difficult for Mum to be there tommorow. They still have to do front door ( opposite toilet mum uses and she never shuts the toilet door when she uses it !!!) and the patio window in the lounge and still some electrics 2.
She stayed a few minutes and I said i would go there at 4 and see what I think and let her know. My aunt who I spoke to after told me not to back down as it is only 1 more night and as a compromise she could come home at lunchtime tommorow. Aunt and her chap are coming at 2 tommorow to stay a few days ( great cause she takes my place) aswell.
Then collected Mums post and she had been given £60 per month by Pension Credit people towards the mortgage back dated to 19.11.12 and it means they will also pay the interest on the loan for the work.
Another job done by me and I am really pleased for her.

kelpie35

Please, please for your own sanity, take a step back now and follow it through.

You deserve a life and now start to enjoy it :A

LannieDuck

Rose, can sister not talk to the contractors directly? Why do you have to be a go-between?

KxMx

Yes, sometimes people make the right noises about realising how hard it is for you and make promises of help. Because them having to cope with the situation is fresh in their minds. But pretty soon they'll have forgotten it along with the offers of help, back to taking you for granted.

rose28454

LannieDuck wrote: »

Rose, can sister not talk to the contractors directly? Why do you have to be a go-between?

Because i organised all the work and it was decided i should deal with them instead of everyone telling them what to do. They are doing a great job and it is much easier for them to get on with Mum not there.