Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

exarmydreamer

SuzieSue wrote: »

Of course I wasn't making assumptions about your parenting skills. The point I was trying to make is that the OP's parents have not treated their children equally and this causes resentment.

From what you have said, you are going to do your best to treat your children fairly (they can't be treated equally because 2 of them are disabled). If you treat them fairly and then they behave like the OP's siblings then of course it is not your fault. If you treated them unfairly and then they did behave like the OP's siblings then it would be partly your fault.

You said you would be ashamed if your children fought like that and I was making the point that the parents' actions have a lot do do with the way the siblings are behaving so it isn't all the siblings' fault (and certainly isn't the OP's fault who appears to be the only decent person in her family).

I agree the only person who is agreeable is the OP. Your post used a lot of 'You', in it and I may have taken it slightly to personally, if that is the case then excuse my reply.:)

rose28454

DeeDee74 wrote: »

Aww sounds horrid hun... my mums in same position with her own mother who is now a widow and her brother and sisters... my nan has a list as the family call it she rings one daugnter wbo ringing round the rest then thay all have to club together and buy it for there mum.... yesterday thay bought her a 400 bed today shes on the phone for a new tv!!!
! Shes not gratfull at all and shes not short of money either.... thay regret thay ever started buying everything and paying her bills but non of them know how to stop it as its been 7 years...
If i were you id leave them to do what thay want and stay away sounds like you do a lot
Already and she doesnt appreshiate that.. good luck x

Oh sounds just like our family. It all started when the mortgage thing started. After that either oldest brother or sister issued a directive that we all had to pay such and such. Was talking to younger sister yesterday about it. She paid £60.00 per month for about 7 years and then £100.00 er month for the last 2 years. She now worked out exactly how muhch it has cost her that she could be paying off her mortgage. She has a successfull business but her hubby is disabled after a stroke so works for both of them .So today she cancelled the standing order but it not going to tell Mum and believe me it will take at least 6 months before she notices( unless eldest sister finds out). This evening I had to go up with instant mash for her t even though she had potatoes in the cupboard. i usuallly go up at bedtime vbut wont go tonight as i am starting to step back. I also noticed the care notes for the morning lady said they will now do her bkfast so I will confirm that on Monday.
Quite sad as I was always closest to Mum but all of this has ruined our relatioship.

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

This evening I had to go up with instant mash for her t even though she had potatoes in the cupboard.

i usuallly go up at bedtime vbut wont go tonight as i am starting to step back.

rose - you didn't have to!

I hope you can step back - start to separate "have to" moments from "she wants me to" times.

Pollycat

rose28454 wrote: »

Was talking to younger sister yesterday about it. She paid £60.00 per month for about 7 years and then £100.00 er month for the last 2 years. She now worked out exactly how muhch it has cost her that she could be paying off her mortgage. She has a successfull business but her hubby is disabled after a stroke so works for both of them .So today she cancelled the standing order but it not going to tell Mum and believe me it will take at least 6 months before she notices( unless eldest sister finds out).

Rose
I have great sympathy for you.
I think you have been treated really badly by your Mum and some of your family.

I hope you find the strength to either push back at them or walk away.

But - I do think your sister is wrong not to tell your Mum she's no longer giving her £100 per month.

I'm not saying she's wrong to stop paying (from some things you've said earlier about how your Mum treats her, if it were me not only would I not be giving her any money, I wouldn't even be on speaking terms) - just wrong not to tell.

Take care.

pinkshoes

So if it wasn't for your brother screwing up, your mum would be fine, yet this brother now has a big house and isn't paying back any money, which is thus causing a lot of friction?!

And here you are, a carer to someone who clearly treats you like cr*p.

Tell your mother to use the £12k to pay off some of the mortgage.

Bickering about inheritence before someone is even dead is vile!

Your mum should pay her own bills. If others want to contribute, that's their own decision. You contribute enough with your time. Do they have any idea how much that would cost with a care service?? Perhaps you should look it up and say they could pay that instead?

Devon_Sailor

Has noone pointed out to the eldest two that they have clearly failed in their duty as Executors of the father's estate by not purchasing the disputed headstone as part of his funeral expenses?

Why are they only coming back now and thinking of a headstone? Why didn't they include it as part of his arrangements? I assume they did indeed pay for the actual burial out of your dad's estate, so have they given any hint as to why they left this somewhat important item out?

D_S

DeeDee74

rose28454 wrote: »

Oh sounds just like our family. It all started when the mortgage thing started. After that either oldest brother or sister issued a directive that we all had to pay such and such. Was talking to younger sister yesterday about it. She paid £60.00 per month for about 7 years and then £100.00 er month for the last 2 years. She now worked out exactly how muhch it has cost her that she could be paying off her mortgage. She has a successfull business but her hubby is disabled after a stroke so works for both of them .So today she cancelled the standing order but it not going to tell Mum and believe me it will take at least 6 months before she notices( unless eldest sister finds out). This evening I had to go up with instant mash for her t even though she had potatoes in the cupboard. i usuallly go up at bedtime vbut wont go tonight as i am starting to step back. I also noticed the care notes for the morning lady said they will now do her bkfast so I will confirm that on Monday.
Quite sad as I was always closest to Mum but all of this has ruined our relatioship.

i expect your find it hard to step bk and do less but you have really got to think about yourself 2 and your family... seems your all made to feel guilty and expected to spend alot of money that isent even affordable for any of you in the long run... i take it the older sister ( i think i read older) has a lot of money yet doesnt run around and wait on your mums demands?

I seriously do think the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break away from the situation i do really feel sorry for the situation you are in x

rose28454

Devon_Sailor wrote: »

Has noone pointed out to the eldest two that they have clearly failed in their duty as Executors of the father's estate by not purchasing the disputed headstone as part of his funeral expenses?

Why are they only coming back now and thinking of a headstone? Why didn't they include it as part of his arrangements? I assume they did indeed pay for the actual burial out of your dad's estate, so have they given any hint as to why they left this somewhat important item out?

D_S

Yes i have pointed out on many occasions that they did a crap job. As i said earlier there was a credit card with a small credit balance that is still open despite my keep giving brother the statement. The bank even sent Dad a new card about 6 months ago even though he died in OCt 2011.
I never actually thought of the headstone as part of the funeral expenses but of course it is. Mum asked me in October to look into getting the stone and I found a local company ( who are small so dont charge vat) and arranged to take her there. But at the last minute she insisted oldest brother be consulted and he took her.She only really trusts me or younger sister to help her in and out of car without her falling so she stayed in the car. However she looked at brochures and chose a stone. Then my 2 sisters were sent to approve it but because the man made some jokey remark like " here are the rest of the family" they took umbrage and left. oldest brother then went on line and found another company so 2 sisters went there and chose a stone ( with mums approval) from the catalogue. Because elsest sis insisted we buy 2 burial plots ( which Mum only became aware of recently) she decided we needed a headstone with a sloping top so mums could mirror it.
Eldest sis then went home to Switzerland and left youngest to deal with incription etc. I by this time had excused myself from the whole procedure. In November sis had got Mum to agree wording and told company to go ahead. She then went away to work so she asked me just to oversee final bit. Eldest sis then waded in again saying we should have all sorts of things written on there completely disregarding Mums wishes. but we went with Mum's request and I had 3 emails from the company in 3 days all with major mistakes in the wording ( even his name was spelt wrong).
So at that point on about 14th Dec I went back to original company and explained the problem. They were great and within 5 days the stone ( which is really lovely) was in place and the bill was nearly £250.00 cheaper. A few days later oldest sis came home and we went to graveyard and she could not even bring herself to say it was nice she only said " It does not say in Loving Memory at the top"
Mum has not even seen it as unfortunately Dad is buried at the bottom of the graveyard and unless weather is dry its impossible to take her there.
They also messed up the application for the italian Pension and even though sis went to Naples where the pensio office is in August did not bother to visit to see what was happening. i have spent a whole year chasing London, Naples and Newcastle and finally last week there was a call to say it was approved. She should get about £3000.00 but eldest sis says it has to go into b/s as there was an isa in Dads name that has been spent on various things and has to be replaced.
So you can see what i am up against.
Mum is having new windows and electrics this week on a low cost council loan and I am a bit worried that eldest brother might interfere as he does not think it necessary.
Someone else said I should investigate prices for carers for comparison as Mum gives me £100.00 per week on top of my £58.00 carers allowance. She has a carer to get her up and dressed which local authority pay for but she only lets them do the minimum as she says my daughter is coming. I usually go for 2 hours in the morning to clean and make lunch, back at t time after shopping and then at bedtime. There was a loose arrangement for someone to have her for the day on sunday but this invariabley does not happen.
I am going to call her in a bit to check on her and say I will bring t later. She is away from Monday night till about Thursday at sisters as work is being done so I think on Thursday I will just do a meal plan and shop accordingly so I can not go every t time.
Also idea suggested about £12000 being paid off mortgage is great. I will suggest it.
I despair

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

Mum is having new windows and electrics this week on a low cost council loan and I am a bit worried that eldest brother might interfere as he does not think it necessary.

She has a carer to get her up and dressed which local authority pay for but she only lets them do the minimum as she says my daughter is coming.

Also idea suggested about £12000 being paid off mortgage is great. I will suggest it.

Do the LA and the DWP know what money she has since your father's death? Wouldn't £12k+ savings would put her outside a lot of benefits and help.

Don't pay the £12k towards the mortgage until you're sure it won't be counted as deprivation of capital.

rose28454

DeeDee74 wrote: »

i expect your find it hard to step bk and do less but you have really got to think about yourself 2 and your family... seems your all made to feel guilty and expected to spend alot of money that isent even affordable for any of you in the long run... i take it the older sister ( i think i read older) has a lot of money yet doesnt run around and wait on your mums demands?

I seriously do think the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break away from the situation i do really feel sorry for the situation you are in x

There is oldest brother (61) oldest sister (60) me (58), younger sister (56) and youngest brother 49. Oldest sister has just retired from UN in Geneva and has hefty UN pension, a smaller italian pension and a small UK one to come next year. She has a rented chalet in Switzerland and a flat she owns in Nice. She always paid for Mum and Dad to visit her twice a year ( even though they could afford to pay) and has had mum over twice in the last year. Mum is too frail to go anymore but that wont dissuade sis from trying. in the summer I worked on the Diamond Jubilee concert for a month so she took Mum with her for a month. I applied for the ehic card for Mum and also looked into a travel ins policy but cause it was £200.00 sis talked her out of it. She was taken ill whilst there and the hospital bill was about £2000.00 that sis paid and Newcastle now refuse ( rightly ) to pay. So now sis will be moaning about that. Her fault though.
I am going to talk to care agency whilst mum is away about what they can do for her. Some of that care she will entitled to for free but I will enquire what she can have that she can pay for. She wont get much for £100.00 per week I think. My oldest sister will be home in a few weeks so I will make arrangements for a family meeting and out some proposals on the table for my leaving.
Thanks All