Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

rose28454

thorsoak wrote: »

All this has absolutely no bearing on your father's estate which has now become your mother's estate. What you are querying is the family dynamics and how you do or do not help your mother financially.

Skiing holidays and reclining chairs have absolutely nothing to do with the cost of your father's headstone.

In what name is the building society account that you refer to? Is it in the name of the estate or your mother? If in the name of the estate, I suggest that you and your co-signatory draw out the balance of the amount owed on the headstone and draw a line under it all - and from then on each of you help your mother in whatever way you can - you all have different financial situations.

The accounts in Building society are in Mums name. The estate is all sorted bearing a small credit balance on a credit card account that neither my brother and sister can be bothered to deal with. I think Mum was all along going to pay for the stone and told me to write the cheque for her to sign to pay it when eldest sister emailed me an forbade me from doing it as she was going to ask us all to pay. Then they paid the money into the wrong account and the cheque was then written on the wrong cheque book but I happened to check the bank balance and realised in time.
The skiing holiday ( and the chair) are irrelavant but are what has caused this friction this time.
I sign on the Building Society account and have a joint account with Mum ( have had for years) and she has another account to pay her bills.
She is on Pension Credit and council tax benefit and all her savings have been declared. I tried to talk to her this morning to say its her money and she can spend it as she wants but it ended in my coming home in tears. She called me a selfish !!!!!. I have been on a low income for 3 years now whilst I look after my parents and am struggling with my bills. My Dad gave my older brother a lot of money for his businesses and younger brother had 7000 about 4 years ago and another £3000.00 since Dad dies to prop up his life and has only repaid £500.00. My Dad offered me some money a couple of years ago but I declined as I want to deal with my own mess.
It is a mess and because I live near my Mum I am the one who is there 4 or 5 times a day. But she does not appreciate it and continually abuses me. I dont care about money but am finally sorting then out but need to be clear in 6 years when I retire.
Writing this makes me realise I sound selfish but I can assure you I am not.

tesuhoha

Maybe the £12,000 should be paid off the mortgage and then no one can argue about it.

RAS

Hi

You need to take time out. It is not your responsibility to look after your parents just because you live near by.

And far from being selfish, your post indicates that you are being abused financially, personally and psychologically by your family. You need to let them look after themslves and get away fro them.

Big shock I know, but it will be worth it.

rose28454

maman wrote: »

I could perhaps understand it if you were only being asked to contribute to the headstone, after all he was your dad as well as mum's husband.

The main issue is what to do with other bills. Now that we have more information about the mortgage it makes it far more complex.

I'm curious about how your dad paid all the bills. Did he have an occupational pension that died with him or was he managing the mortgage on his state pension? Is that the shortfall in money that you're contributing to.

When your mum passes her estate will be the property and any money left in the bank (assuming no care home costs) so it is important to consider who's paying in what to finance your mother's living costs. Either she lives financially independently: takes over paying all her own bills until the money runs out and then you look at whether she needs to downsize etc etc Or she accepts money from her children. As everyone seems to be contributing different amounts (as they can afford?) then some differentiated outcome from her will is only to be expected. Unless of course all siblings are contributing willingly and voluntarily and don't expect a return for helping their mum out.;)

I do feel very sorry for the mum in this situation as she's 86 years old and has this big muddle to sort. It is her home and money though and she's able to do what she wishes. Mum could leave money to be divided equally regardless of 'contributions' if she wanted to. Would a family conference work? My DH is sorting out a family headstone (for grandparents) at the moment and he wrote to all siblings and cousins explaining the situation, enclosing figures etc so nobody could say they were kept in the dark. Setting your mum's budget out on paper as a balance sheet including income from siblings would be a good starting point for discussion.

I did a budget late last year and everyone had a copy. Since then Dads car was given to my son ( only grandson) as it was in the will so she has no motoring expenses ( I use my car and pay for it) and she has had a water meter aswell. She has enough income and is also due an Italian Widows pension ( which I have spent 15 months chasing - even though my sister went to Italy and did not bother to look into it) shortly.

My dad was Italian so his sons were most important to him. About 20 years ago Dad went into 2 failed business with eldest son and about 10 years ago ended up taking a 2nd mortgage for about £42000.00. as brother could not borrow against his own property. Then main mortgage account then fell into arrears ( as brother and other director were taking a salary but not Dad) so eldest brother then came along and asked all the rest of us to pay even Mum! They all paid £60.00 per month and Dad made up shortfall. The business then went bust and Dad was persuaded to sell a small flat he had in Italy and invest the proceeds in brother buying the business from the liquidators which Dad did on condition youngest brother was taken on. So £12000 into business and after 3 months ( during which time oldest brother paid £7000 of personal debt with the money) youngest brother was let go. That business then went bust and brother and wife were barred from being company directors for 5 years.
About 5 years ago my youngest sister suggested that the mortgage be made repayment and said she would pay more so at least it was being paid off. Mum and Dad said ok but behind all our backs brother re-negotiated the loan so it is mainly interest only over 40 years and payment went down to £199.00 per month. At that point younger brother stopped paying on principle and because he is in financial difficulties. I have to say I never paid anything as when it started my son was just awarded a scholarship to a private school but we had to make some contributions and also on a point of principle.
Eldest brother sold his house, made a big profit and now lives in a big house he built with the profit. He at no point offered to repay Mum and Dad any money even though the money from the loan was to prop up his business ( my Dad was only ever there to invest and to take a hit).
Regarding the fact everyone ( bar me ) is contributing there is not mention of anyone getting more of the estate in the same way there is not mention of anyone getting less as they have already had some.
I can see there being something said about me having the same as the others but quite frankly I would rather have nothing even though my caring for her seems to be forgotten. BTW my Mum gives me £100.00 per week and I get £50.00 per week Carers allowance. I make up my income with car boot, ebay and by getting deals and glitches on here. I still struggle most months.

rose28454

tesuhoha wrote: »

Maybe the £12,000 should be paid off the mortgage and then no one can argue about it.

Thats a brilliant idea I will suggest it.

rose28454

RAS wrote: »

Hi

You need to take time out. It is not your responsibility to look after your parents just because you live near by.

And far from being selfish, your post indicates that you are being abused financially, personally and psychologically by your family. You need to let them look after themslves and get away fro them.

Big shock I know, but it will be worth it.

I keep telling myself I need to walk away but cant seem to do it.

SuzieSue

rose28454 wrote: »

It is a mess and because I live near my Mum I am the one who is there 4 or 5 times a day. But she does not appreciate it and continually abuses me. I dont care about money but am finally sorting then out but need to be clear in 6 years when I retire.
Writing this makes me realise I sound selfish but I can assure you I am not.

Really, your mother and the reast of your family does not deserve you. I would not put up with this treatment and certainly would not give up my job to look after someone so ungrateful. Your other siblings need to take their turn to look after your mum.

RAS

You are making a massive personal contribution to your mothers keep and your family are abusing you.

Can I suggest that you need to talk to your GP and ask for help. Your perspective on all this seems to be distorted by your family's very selfish attitude.

At one point we were told that the only thing mum needed was for one of us to move in with her? So give up our jobs and our future pensions to look after someone who could well afford to pay for support. With no-one to care for us when we got older?

Start looking for jobs and stop making yourself available. As soon as you get work, give them a month to sort out alternative arrangments

skintchick

How would you feel about just not getting involved at all? Wash your hands of it - tell everyone you don't want any inheritance and neither will you pay your mum's bills though you will continue to help her in other ways as you see fit.

Then let them bicker about it.

Is that an option for you?

SuzieSue

rose28454 wrote: »

I keep telling myself I need to walk away but cant seem to do it.

You must walk away now or you will have a breakdown. Your mother is not your sole responsibility. You need to send an email to your siblings telling them what you are going to do and that they need to sort something out between them.