Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

getmore4less

Who was in charge of admin of dads estate? they should be paying the funeral expences from the estate.

Not using the money just means it could end up paying for care so no one gets it.
lso it will impact benifits if on low income.

spacey2012

If mum falls ill and needs nursing care, there wont be any inheritance.

dancingfairy

What does your mum really think? Is she being pressurised to tell you you all have to pay by your sister?
Is there a religious/cultural background here that the children will pay for a headstone?
What would your dad have wanted?
Is this a basic headstone or has your mum chosen a really expensive one?

In my mind the best (most sensible) option would be for your mum to pay for the headstone out of the money that was left to her, in a similar way, other associated expenses with your dads death should also be paid for. After that the money is hers to spend as she wishes, whether that's a roundthe world cruise, savings for nursing home care, or to give to her children, as she wants.
IF your mum refuses to spend the money to get yourdad a headstone then as the children you need to decide whetheryou want to buy one, what type and who is going to pay what. Clearly this should all really be sorted before one is ordered (not after).
It's difficult, clearly what appears to be the most logical option to the rest of the world is not necessarily the option that will be reached within the family when people are grieving and family dynamics come into play.
Best of Luck
df

margaretclare

It's no longer Dad's money - he's deceased and has no further use for it. As he was married to Mum, it's now her money and she should use it for whatever she needs/decides. Nothing to do with the next generation.

shelley_crow

I do apologise, I read it as your mother was expecting her children to pay for everything.

I agree with MargaretClare, your mother's money is hers and hers alone. Your sister has no right to expect an inheritance and I'd view any attempt by her to dissuade your mother from spending any of it as she sees fit as financial abuse.

rose28454

I think I did not make it clear. Eldest sister says we should all pay for things and youngest sister is kind of saying that is she and the other 2 pay it wont be fair when Mums estate is done. Eldest brother and sister are executors and it is she who is issuing these orders. Mum is influenced by both of them. Oldest brother and sister pay a bit to Mum each month as at 86 she still has a massive mortgage ( due to brothers business failings and Dad being persuaded to take a mortgage), youngest sister to be fair gives Mum £100.00 each month and the other 2 £60.00 per month each.

Recently eldest sister organised a skiing trip for the youngest granddaughter ( my younger brothers daughter who is 8) and wanted youngest sis to go or at least contribute. This ended causing a big row as youngest sis has a successful business through all her own work and is generous but fells she should nto be told where to spend her money. Mum said she had plenty odf money and should contribute and I ended up in the wrong because I sided with my sis.
About 6 years ago it was decided Mum and Dad needed a new kitchen and eldest 2 said every one need to share the cost. Younger brother and I did not pay ( as we are both tackling debt mountains- and gradually winning thanks to MSE!). So younger sister figured that as Dad was paying some it should be divided in 6 and so she paid a 6th. However ever since Mum and oldest sis have said she did not pay enough!
I got a lovely headstone for a good price after eldest sis messed it all up and then the hand came out for money. So as youngest was asked to pay at Mums infront of her she felt she had to pay.
So £1000 headstone Mum only paid £300.00 and when I said I would draw it out if b/s ( I am signatory) she said no as eldest sis has put it into her head that she not touch the money.
Mums estate will be divided 5 ways between us all when she passes if there is anything left.
My youngest sister has always had an uneasy relationship with mum ( Mum always called her the Viper and threatened to give her away to the childrens home many times) and no matter what she does for Mum she is accused of meanness. She also got Mum a lovely recliner at Xmas which Mum forgets!!

thorsoak

All this has absolutely no bearing on your father's estate which has now become your mother's estate. What you are querying is the family dynamics and how you do or do not help your mother financially.

Skiing holidays and reclining chairs have absolutely nothing to do with the cost of your father's headstone.

In what name is the building society account that you refer to? Is it in the name of the estate or your mother? If in the name of the estate, I suggest that you and your co-signatory draw out the balance of the amount owed on the headstone and draw a line under it all - and from then on each of you help your mother in whatever way you can - you all have different financial situations.

Pollycat

It sounds to me like your eldest sister is far too interested in what her siblings do with their own money.

If it were me, I'd tell her that my money is sod all to do with her and to stop attempting to spend it for me.

Acc72

This scenario sounds like the many posts from December - i.e. relative x spends £x on my childs presents and £y on somebody else's presents : only in reverse !

This kind of situation seems to be very common where there are a number of siblings who have very different financial circumstances.

maman

I could perhaps understand it if you were only being asked to contribute to the headstone, after all he was your dad as well as mum's husband.

The main issue is what to do with other bills. Now that we have more information about the mortgage it makes it far more complex.

I'm curious about how your dad paid all the bills. Did he have an occupational pension that died with him or was he managing the mortgage on his state pension? Is that the shortfall in money that you're contributing to.

When your mum passes her estate will be the property and any money left in the bank (assuming no care home costs) so it is important to consider who's paying in what to finance your mother's living costs. Either she lives financially independently: takes over paying all her own bills until the money runs out and then you look at whether she needs to downsize etc etc Or she accepts money from her children. As everyone seems to be contributing different amounts (as they can afford?) then some differentiated outcome from her will is only to be expected. Unless of course all siblings are contributing willingly and voluntarily and don't expect a return for helping their mum out.;)

I do feel very sorry for the mum in this situation as she's 86 years old and has this big muddle to sort. It is her home and money though and she's able to do what she wishes. Mum could leave money to be divided equally regardless of 'contributions' if she wanted to. Would a family conference work? My DH is sorting out a family headstone (for grandparents) at the moment and he wrote to all siblings and cousins explaining the situation, enclosing figures etc so nobody could say they were kept in the dark. Setting your mum's budget out on paper as a balance sheet including income from siblings would be a good starting point for discussion.