Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

SuzieSue

JC9297 wrote: »

To be honest your whole family sounds like a nightmare! You all sound far to involved in each other's business, if my parents had decided to lend my brother money at any time I would not expect to be told the ins and outs of it, as it would be their choice.

No, but you would expect your parents to treat you and your siblings equally and if they didn't (as is the case with the OP), then you are under no obligation to do anything for them.

meritaten

rose28454 wrote: »

Moral dillemma question for you all.
As you know my Dad died and Mum has about £12,000.00 that he left her in bank. Dad was quite tight and Mum did without a lot as he would not spend ( except to hand money to oldest brother for failed businesses-another story).
So I am managing Mums finances and she gets pension credit aswell as her pension. Have done a MSE overhaul and got her house insurance down by £30.00 per month and her water is on a meter saving £27.00 per month.
When Dad died Mum paid for the funeral out of the bank. However my oldest sister keeps saying Mum should not touch the money as it was Dad's money. So now evertime there is a large bill to pay ( i.e.the headstone) she puts out a message that we five children have to pay. Now my younger brother and I are both strapped financially so cant really help but younger sister is ok but is getting fed up of being asked as Mum now says she is saving the money as our inheritance and sis thinks that will be unfair as younger brother and I will get same as the rest who have been paying.
What do you think ? Is it right for Mum to expect us to pay or not? I had a row with her this week as when I mentioned it she said it is our duty.

No, its not bluddy right! its MUMS inheritance! Sis must be worried sick mum will blow the lot!
That money is your mums - if Dad wanted the kids to have it he would have left it to you wouldnt he?

exarmydreamer

Op's brothers and sisters need to understand that their mothers money is there for her and that includes her own funeral arrangements which aren't cheap. Sounds a nightmare family and I would be ashamed of my children if they fought over money like this, imagine who's going to be responsible for sorting out her estate (same brother and sister?).

All I can say is, Oh dear and good luck with that one!.

SuzieSue

exarmydreamer wrote: »

I would be ashamed of my children if they fought over money like this

If your chidren fought like this you should be ashamed of yourself because of the way you had treated them as it would probably be your fault.

Most of the problems are of the parents' making as they haven't treated their children equally. If they had, then the children would not feel resentful and would not be fighting like this.

The mother should not expect one daughter to look after her and let the others get away without doing anything and then treat said daughter like dirt. Either all the children look after her or no-one should.

exarmydreamer

SuzieSue wrote: »

If your chidren fought like this you should be ashamed of yourself because of the way you had treated them as it would probably be your fault.

Most of the problems are of the parents' making as they haven't treated their children equally. If they had, then the children would not feel resentful and would not be fighting like this.

The mother should not expect one daughter to look after her and let the others get away without doing anything and then treat said daughter like dirt. Either all the children look after her or no-one should.

I'd rather hope your not making assumptions about me because it almost sounds as if you are, and that would be very unfair and laughable as YOU don't know me:rotfl:. So jog on.

I can only relate to my own children, when I say I would be ashamed of their behavior fighting over control of mine or my husbands widowed bank account but it is not necessarily down to the parents abilities to parent.

As children we each have our own individual personalities and grow into adults with different experiences and behaviors which have changed them, (addiction etc). You can't blame the parent of a serial killer/rapist for his/her crime, so therefore you can't blame parenting skills for a couple of selfish money grabbing adult children.

I have indeed a similar problem, where 2 of my 4 children are disabled and I worry and have a concern about future housing and equal inheritence but I am hoping to have brought mine up well enough to make sensible decisions and be happy. What they will be like as adults is a different matter. I would hate the thought of my 2 non autistic children grab everything from the mentally vunerable other 2. It is a worry but I intend to equally sort this out by using financial trusts.

OP's done the best she can, it's the mothers money and therefore her concern to spend it on what she wants. Op should not be the only one looking out for her well being. For god's sake these are adults in their 50's and 60's I should imagine.

rose28454

JC9297 wrote: »

To be honest your whole family sounds like a nightmare! You all sound far to involved in each other's business, if my parents had decided to lend my brother money at any time I would not expect to be told the ins and outs of it, as it would be their choice.
You all sound far too bothered about money, all this arguing in order to get a share of £12000 - I'd pay £12000 to get away from it!

yes they are a nightmare. I only mentioned the loans to illustrate the fact that some of them have never really cared that much about them. Who would saddle their parents with a large mortgage in their seventies!! I am not bothered about my mother's money and have helped her save lots and she gets lots of free shopping from glitchs etc. However its the burden i am saddled with that upset. I would rather I could walk away and be left nothing than continue with this. This afternoon my younger sister came to visit mum and called her on the way to ask what shopping she needed for t and Mum said she was ok. Then she called me 30 minutes before i was going out with an order for t. When I got there she had food in the fridge that could have been microwaved but no it was ok to make me run up,

DeeDee74

Aww sounds horrid hun... my mums in same position with her own mother who is now a widow and her brother and sisters... my nan has a list as the family call it she rings one daugnter wbo ringing round the rest then thay all have to club together and buy it for there mum.... yesterday thay bought her a 400 bed today shes on the phone for a new tv!!!
! Shes not gratfull at all and shes not short of money either.... thay regret thay ever started buying everything and paying her bills but non of them know how to stop it as its been 7 years...
If i were you id leave them to do what thay want and stay away sounds like you do a lot
Already and she doesnt appreshiate that.. good luck x

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

This afternoon my younger sister came to visit mum and called her on the way to ask what shopping she needed for t and Mum said she was ok.

Then she called me 30 minutes before i was going out with an order for t. When I got there she had food in the fridge that could have been microwaved but no it was ok to make me run up,

If any of the others visit, ask them to check the fridge/freezer/cupboards and make sure Mum has enough food.

If one of them has visited, make yourself unavailable for the rest of the day - messages go to answerphone. Your Mum is just keeping you on a short leash and yanking it when it suits her.

SuzieSue

exarmydreamer wrote: »

I'd rather hope your not making assumptions about me because it almost sounds as if you are, and that would be very unfair and laughable as YOU don't know me:rotfl:. So jog on.

I can only relate to my own children, when I say I would be ashamed of their behavior fighting over control of mine or my husbands widowed bank account but it is not necessarily down to the parents abilities to parent.

As children we each have our own individual personalities and grow into adults with different experiences and behaviors which have changed them, (addiction etc). You can't blame the parent of a serial killer/rapist for his/her crime, so therefore you can't blame parenting skills for a couple of selfish money grabbing adult children.

I have indeed a similar problem, where 2 of my 4 children are disabled and I worry and have a concern about future housing and equal inheritence but I am hoping to have brought mine up well enough to make sensible decisions and be happy. What they will be like as adults is a different matter. I would hate the thought of my 2 non autistic children grab everything from the mentally vunerable other 2. It is a worry but I intend to equally sort this out by using financial trusts.

OP's done the best she can, it's the mothers money and therefore her concern to spend it on what she wants. Op should not be the only one looking out for her well being. For god's sake these are adults in their 50's and 60's I should imagine.

Of course I wasn't making assumptions about your parenting skills. The point I was trying to make is that the OP's parents have not treated their children equally and this causes resentment.

From what you have said, you are going to do your best to treat your children fairly (they can't be treated equally because 2 of them are disabled). If you treat them fairly and then they behave like the OP's siblings then of course it is not your fault. If you treated them unfairly and then they did behave like the OP's siblings then it would be partly your fault.

You said you would be ashamed if your children fought like that and I was making the point that the parents' actions have a lot do do with the way the siblings are behaving so it isn't all the siblings' fault (and certainly isn't the OP's fault who appears to be the only decent person in her family).

dancingfairy

You can't control your family. You can only control your actions/reactions. Like I said before you need to decide exactly where you stand and where your boundaries lie. You are obviously a kind, caring person and you are giving an inch and they are taking a mile
df