Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

peachyprice

rose28454 wrote: »

I think Mum was all along going to pay for the stone and told me to write the cheque for her to sign to pay it when eldest sister emailed me an forbade me from doing it as she was going to ask us all to pay.

Not the brightest little thing your sister, is she.

If the £1k for the headstone comes out of your 'dad's' money (I know it isn't but YKWIM) there will be £1k/£200 each less to share when your mum dies.

If the £1k is paid by all of the children equally you all pay £200 now and get it back when your mum dies.

What's the bloomin difference except that those of you who can't afford the £200 now will struggle to find the money.

Jeez, families and money, thank goodness I only have one brother, who lives in Australia.

LannieDuck

I think your family's finances are far too intertwined. You all need to separate them out so that each person pays their own way. Then if someone needs a bit of assistance (as we all do from time to time), family members can offer to help out. Then it becomes an act of kindness rather than an act of obligation.

Essentially, if you're able to fund your lifestyle without constantly begging off other people, I don't see why you should be expected to constantly fund their lives for them, unless you choose to do so.

Bufger

Whenever inheritence comes up as the subject my first and only response to the family member mentioning it is: 'YOU CAN KEEP THE LOT IF ITS ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU!'

Seriously, anybody planning inheritence should recieve none. Its not a birth right.

Do what you want to do. Its not up to you to pay for your mother to survive if she has money in the bank, it would be morally if she had no other way to live but she does. Your family should not impose financial burdens on you as you are an adult and can make your own agreements. You do risk a family split up here but from what ive read its good ridance.

rose28454

SuzieSue wrote: »

Really, your mother and the reast of your family does not deserve you. I would not put up with this treatment and certainly would not give up my job to look after someone so ungrateful. Your other siblings need to take their turn to look after your mum.

My younger sister just called and said she is coming over to see Mum. She then said I should just leave it and not upset Mum. I said yes that's ok for you to say Mum is not your resposibility. I told her as soon as my other sister is back in the next few weeks we need to discuss my leaving. I would rather have my life and freedom back than ut up with this and have a bit of money from it. Mum already has a carer to come in and wash and dress her every morning so that could be extended if possible. Also my eldest sister is retired and has no family other than us. She does come every couple of months but just causes more upset than its worth. When I suggested she move home for a while she said no not at all! Have just made a doctors appt for next week to get some help in that direction. There was a similar upset before Xmas and I actually applied for a job ( which I did not get) and kind of fell back into the old routine. As I said to Mum today I have been looking after them part time for 5 years and full time for 2 and it is now someone else's turn. Next week she is going to my younger sister's for a few days as she is having new windows and updated electricals which I organised through a low cost council loan. Her gas bill is about £166.00 per month at present. All the others except eldest brother have discussed it with mum and think it will be good as the house is very cold. But the eldest one thinks it is a waste of money. He would rather see her freeze. I have already spoken to the builder and told him he is only to take instruction from me as my other brother thinks the older one may come in and throw his weight around. He is a property developer ( and I use the term loosely) and thinks he is smarter than the rest of us.

rose28454

Bufger wrote: »

Whenever inheritence comes up as the subject my first and only response to the family member mentioning it is: 'YOU CAN KEEP THE LOT IF ITS ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU!'

Seriously, anybody planning inheritence should recieve none. Its not a birth right.

Do what you want to do. Its not up to you to pay for your mother to survive if she has money in the bank, it would be morally if she had no other way to live but she does. Your family should not impose financial burdens on you as you are an adult and can make your own agreements. You do risk a family split up here but from what ive read its good ridance.

I already dont speak to oldest brother as he hates me. I wrote him a letter about 5 years ago telling him what a disgrace it was what he did to our parents. All the others were going to sign it but chickened out as he is a bully and they are frightened of him. I am not and Mum made a fuss about that aswell as she said I should not have said it even though it was true. Even one of his daughters snubs me if she sees mne at my Mums to the extent of bringing in her birthday cake for Mum to taste and then not offering me any and taking it with her. His children turn up like clockwork when it is their birthdsys with their hand out for birthday money and they are all in their twenties. Money has never been my god sand what you never had you never miss. Provided my mortgsge sorts my mortgage out i will be debt free 2 months before i retire.

claire1234

rose28454 wrote: »

I keep telling myself I need to walk away but cant seem to do it.

^^^ this is spot on, exactly what you need,
i`ll pm you in a bit about my experience if thats ok x

SuzieSue

claire1234 wrote: »

^^^ this is spot on, exactly what you need,
i`ll pm you in a bit about my experience if thats ok x

Agreed. In a way you are lucky as your mother has been so abusive, so it will be much easier to walk away and you must do it. If your mother was reasonable then it would be much harder but even so, you need to remember that you have your own life to live. Your mother has had her life and she can't expect you to give up your own just for her.

maman

Now you've told us some of the history I really think, as others have said, you'll have to walk away. There's no way you're going to unravel all those years of loans and favouritism all by yourself.

Obviously you won't have the £150 (£100 plus Carer's allowance) so you'll have to keep looking for jobs and hope something comes up soon.

Extract yourself from the money and the caring duties and (if you choose) just visit your mum socially occasionally.

dancingfairy

Ouch. It all sounds a mess to be honest.
I still don't see why you should contribute to the headstone but you have 2 choices, either reluctantly pay up or say thanks but no.
Your family are taking the mic. and as for your mum. You run her around in your car, you can't get a job as you are a carer for her, you survive on minimal amounts of money, try to pau off debts and she says you are selfish as you are trying to look out for her. :mad:
If you know your mum has enough money then I wouldn't worry too much about what your siblings are doingand whether they are paying your mum or not, that's their business and you absolutely needed get involved in their silly games.
Take a step back, decide at what level you want to be involved (ie are you happy to contribute to the headstone, are you happy to run your mums finances, care for her, run her around etc or not) and take a deep breath.
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JC9297

To be honest your whole family sounds like a nightmare! You all sound far to involved in each other's business, if my parents had decided to lend my brother money at any time I would not expect to be told the ins and outs of it, as it would be their choice.
You all sound far too bothered about money, all this arguing in order to get a share of £12000 - I'd pay £12000 to get away from it!