Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

maman

rose28454 wrote: »

She is just playing us off against one another i think.

Totally agree! But it's not just about your mum it's about the way many other members of your family behave too.

What concerns me is that when this week's passed and your aunt goes back then you'll just step in to fill the gap.

Your aunt's behaviour is better than many of the family but even she's drawn a line and stopped at skivvying for others or being totally and your mum's disposal (rightly IMO).

A saying that often appears on threads is along the lines of 'You can't do anything to change other people's behaviour (insert mother/sisters/brothers) but you can do something about how you react to it'.

You need to make plans for next week otherwise I worry you'll just fall right back into everything.

P.S. Apologies if you've answered this before but did you ever agree with your siblings/mother that you would take on this caring role? I ask because of the money you've been getting/claiming. Was it a plan or just something your sort of fell into by default? Don't mean to pry but I'm just trying to scrape around and find reasons for their self-centred behaviour.:)

LannieDuck

maman wrote: »

P.S. Apologies if you've answered this before but did you ever agree with your siblings/mother that you would take on this caring role? I ask because of the money you've been getting/claiming. Was it a plan or just something your sort of fell into by default? Don't mean to pry but I'm just trying to scrape around and find reasons for their self-centred behaviour.:)

That's a really good point. Your siblings might think that you're getting paid to look after Mum, so why should they have to do it?

IIRC it's quite a small amount of money. Might it be worth giving that up (possibly getting a small part-time job elsewhere instead) in order to reclaim your time as your own?

maman

LannieDuck wrote: »

That's a really good point. Your siblings might think that you're getting paid to look after Mum, so why should they have to do it?

IIRC it's quite a small amount of money. Might it be worth giving that up (possibly getting a small part-time job elsewhere instead) in order to reclaim your time as your own?

I checked back and it's £100 paid by mum and £58 Carer's Allowance. That's right is't it rose? Is it worth all the stress and hassle its causing you?

rose28454

maman wrote: »

I checked back and it's £100 paid by mum and £58 Carer's Allowance. That's right is't it rose? Is it worth all the stress and hassle its causing you?

Yes thats right. I claimed carers allowance about 4 years ago at Mums suggestion. I was self employed then and declared it on my tax return. You are allowed to earn up to £100.00 per week and still claim it. However the amount was decided because the previous carer worked 2.5 hours Monday to Friday and that is what she was paid. I took over 2 years ago at my parents request and kind of fell in to the same pay ( even though I usually do 7 days a week and at least 35 hours a week). My eldest brother was not pleased when I took over but the others were quite pleased I think as it got them off the hook. Did think I should get more but I am sure the others will object to my being paid more. My Aunt agrees wholeheartedly that I should not be doing it anymore.
My oldest brother came to see Mum for about 10 minutes today and as far as I know could not bring himself to say the house looked good. Youngest sister ( who is the only one who comes in on a regular basis) is away from 20 th for 3 weeks working so will not be available.

And Yes I think there is an underlying feeling that because of the money its all up to me.

lizziebabe

Hi Rose

I'm really sorry that you are having these problems especially as it started with your Dad's death - condolences.

I can't really offer any more help than what others have already offered, but it is a sad fact that when someone dies in a family, there are often issues with money between the remaining relatives. So sad at an already difficult time. :sad:

All the best, I didn't want to just 'read and run' .

dancingfairy

rose28454 wrote: »

Yes you are probably right. My daughter is bringing me a whole load more stress at the mo aswell. But getting back to Mum. On sat
I went to market and met my Aunt and her chap on the way out shopping. She said she had made Mum some soup and they were off out for an hour or so. Just then my sil came up ( the one who is married to my brother I dont really speak to ) so i said I had to go. later on I was told by my aunt that when she got home her and my niece had come and had soup with Mum but my brother did not come as apparently he was busy ( always is never comes just sends his family) but later when I and my sis asked Mum if he had been to see the work she said he had flu ( a lie). Anyway there was a discussion about Mondays T and Aunty was going to cook liver and my sil said she liked liver.
So on Monday my Mum announces sil and other niece are coming for t ( think Mum invited them to have the liver) but my Aunt told Mum she had decided to go out so they had better bring the t and she put liver in freezer. My Aunt told me she does not mind looking after Mum but resents being made into a servant for members of the family who do nothing for her. Later my sister came over and Mum despatched her to get Melon Parma Ham and Salami for them to have as a starter. She told sis that she could not ask me cause I would make a fuss. Yes I would have as they barely speak to me but i am supposed to run around making sure they have nice things to eat.
They came for t and when they left they took the items sis had bought with them.
I write about this to demonstrate how my Mum treats us all.
my aunt told Mum on Sunday she had told me to have a week at home and she would take up the slack. Mum did not like it. Yesterday Aunt asked me to get some bits from hardware shop and grocers as they are doing some diy. I got most of them on my way up at lunchtime as Mum was due a visit from rehab at local hospital who are trying to help with her mobility ( so I needed to be there as she always tells lies and then does not get any help)
After the visit I popped to get rest of shopping and took it up. As i was leaving Mum called me in and said could I go back and get some pancake mix. i said no as I needed to get car from garage and it was nearly 5.00. She did not like it but Aunty just said leave it and she could have some pancakes today. Also carer has written in Mums book she needs some special barrier cream for a sore on her leg but Mum refused to let me get it as she said she will use some Italian cream she swears by. I said ok then but later she told sis she would use it.
She is just playing us off against one another i think. Am also having major problems with dd at home ( I wont go into them on here ) so I cant cope with much more.
I despair

I have highlighted a few bits. Whilst it was difficult to follow the salient points appear to be:
1) your Aunt is happy to help your mum but draws the line.
2) You have started to say no. :T
3) You realise that your mum is lying/playing people off againt each other.
4)You have managed to step back a bit.

Now this actually sounds quite positive. You understand a lot more what is going on and can step back and make new choices. You have established that your mum is happy to take, take, take so you need to take steps to protect yourself. Please make sure that you carry on the good work and look after yourself and say no to unreasonable requests from your mum and family.
df

serious_saver

I could be wrong (and I hope someone corrects me if I am) but savings over £10,000 might affect your mothers pension credit.

I think you should get your mother to sit down with a benefits adviser and carefully go through her finances to work out if it's in her interest to keep the money at it's current level.

My personal view is that funeral costs should always go through the estate.

If I was in debt I would also feel a bit uncomfortable if I was paying monthly towards my mothers living costs in order to protect her savings.

I think a much better idea would be to pay off some of the mortgage and reduce her monthly outgoings. Ultimately the money will come back to the children through the property when the worst finally does happen.

By doing that you'll know that the money you each give her will be of real benefit rather than just being used to pay of mortgage interest. Use the MSE mortgage overpayment calculator to see just how much will be saved by overpaying now. http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/mortgage-overpayment-calculator

maman

serious_saver wrote: »

My personal view is that funeral costs should always go through the estate.

I agree but it's also a legal expense. I was an executor for my mother and it tells you on the probate form. So even though we paid up front, we could deduct the cost before the amount of the estate was taken into account.

rose28454

serious_saver wrote: »

I could be wrong (and I hope someone corrects me if I am) but savings over £10,000 might affect your mothers pension credit.

I think you should get your mother to sit down with a benefits adviser and carefully go through her finances to work out if it's in her interest to keep the money at it's current level.

My personal view is that funeral costs should always go through the estate.

If I was in debt I would also feel a bit uncomfortable if I was paying monthly towards my mothers living costs in order to protect her savings.

I think a much better idea would be to pay off some of the mortgage and reduce her monthly outgoings. Ultimately the money will come back to the children through the property when the worst finally does happen.

By doing that you'll know that the money you each give her will be of real benefit rather than just being used to pay of mortgage interest. Use the MSE mortgage overpayment calculator to see just how much will be saved by overpaying now. http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/mortgage-overpayment-calculator

I did the application for my Mums Pension Credit and I declared all her savings and money in her current account. She was awarded £5.20 per week of the Saving Part of the Pension Credit. However on the advice of the loan chap who arranged the council loan for the work being done I applied for Interest Relief from the Pension Credit people in November 2012. He mentioned that mum could apply to get the interest of £26.80 per month on the Council loan from Pension Credit and she would probably get interest on her mortgage paid aswell. So although I have not applied for the new loan yet ( as work ia only just finished) I did apply for the existing mortgage and they awarded her about £80.00 per month backdated to November athough the Pension Credit she now gets aswell is only 10p per week.
However as much as I think it is a good idea I know I will not get it past my elder brother and sister.
Regarding the gravestone the two eldest were executors and made a pigs ears of it all.
Thanks for the advice

rose28454

maman wrote: »

I agree but it's also a legal expense. I was an executor for my mother and it tells you on the probate form. So even though we paid up front, we could deduct the cost before the amount of the estate was taken into account.

I think I understand what you mean. However my Dads estate only comprised of the house ( about £150000.00 equity) and about £15000.00 in the bank.building society.