Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

CH27

rose28454 wrote: »

Things getting worse instead of better. Sis went on Tuesday and I have spent 2 days putting things back where they should be for an 86 year old. She insists on putting cleaning products in the garage instead of under the sink, leaves me to sort out the recycling ( every time) as she insists on putting everything in there ( cake tins, Mums post etc) and fills the cupboards up with another million cups. I sorted Mums kitchen so she has enough things for 4 people so its easier for her to get crockery cutlery out etc.
ALso Mum does nothing but moan about the new windows. Its either too hot, too cold, theres is as draught where she sits ( not) and the new radiator in lounge they gave her a grant for is too large!! It means she does not need gas fire on all day but she cant see the benefit.
Mum has a cleaner once a week who kind of takes the mickey and only does what she wants so this week I sent her a message saying my sis had done most things but there were a few extra jobs needed doing. She showed Mum the list and only bothered to do half the jobs. When I say anything Mum defends her and says she is her employee not mine. True I suppose.
My Aunt who just stayed for a week with her chap had a very acrimonious divorce a few years ago but her ex insists on calling my Mum all the time toget info on my Aunt. Aunty spoke to Mum 3 years ago and asked her not to speak to him and Mum said she would. However on last night Aunt was here he phoned Mum whilst they were all having t. Apparently Mum had quite a long conversation with him and Aunty told me she had to go to bed cause it upset her so much. I spoke to Mum and told her it was disloyal and am now being accused of stirring it up. I was only trying to put Aunty's side as she feels betrayed by Mum.
Tried to speak to sis yesterday and she said I was causing trouble but I said it would be Mum's own fault if my Aunty did not come again and she should be grateful for her coming. Ended up I put phone down but I did send my sister an e-mail explaining I have to leave the job as it is draining me financially and emotionally. I explained its a joke that I even go at 10 at night when she could have free care to put her to bed. I then pointed out that the cleaner gets more than me (£10.00 per hour) and my sis wrote back and said " even the gardener gets more than you but remember you are her daughter".
I was gobsmacked and slept really badly. How can I escape this mess??
BTW Mum is now getting £100.00 per month towards the mortgage interest but not even thanks for that

You are moaning about doing thing but are still doing them. You are giving mixed signals.
Decide what you will do & stick to it.

maman

londonsurrey wrote: »

Therein lies the problem. You have to back up what you say with action.

Otherwise, all people hear is "blah, blah, blah", and dismiss you, while you get more and more frustrated with them ignoring you.
Actually, if you don't take action, with every time you complain, you're actually reinforcing to them that ignoring you works. Sorry, I've learnt that the hard way myself.

I understand it's like a form of emotional blackmail. If you look at it from your siblings' point of view they just phone/text/call briefly by and leave you to get on with it. They salve their consciences a bit because you get £150 (tax free?) a week to do it.

I think you have to separate what you're prepared to do as a daughter, for free, from what your mum's paying for. She likes to tell you the cleaner is her employee. She can pay the £100 to someone else for doing shopping or whatever she needs. If that person isn't up to scratch (like the cleaner) it's not your problem. If it costs more then she has the money saved. What you need to do is just call round a few times a week for a social visit as a daughter should and help her with some one-off things if you want. What you mustn't do is be at her beck and call every day.

I'd suggest you look as hard as you can for a job or even a couple of jobs. Perhaps when you get one (and just aren't available at all times) you'll find it an easier decision to make.

rose28454

maman wrote: »

I understand it's like a form of emotional blackmail. If you look at it from your siblings' point of view they just phone/text/call briefly by and leave you to get on with it. They salve their consciences a bit because you get £150 (tax free?) a week to do it.

I think you have to separate what you're prepared to do as a daughter, for free, from what your mum's paying for. She likes to tell you the cleaner is her employee. She can pay the £100 to someone else for doing shopping or whatever she needs. If that person isn't up to scratch (like the cleaner) it's not your problem. If it costs more then she has the money saved. What you need to do is just call round a few times a week for a social visit as a daughter should and help her with some one-off things if you want. What you mustn't do is be at her beck and call every day.

I'd suggest you look as hard as you can for a job or even a couple of jobs. Perhaps when you get one (and just aren't available at all times) you'll find it an easier decision to make.

Just to say I declare my income on my tax return. If you get Carers allowance you are allowed to earn £100.00 per week on top.

LannieDuck

Totally agree with the others. If you can afford to drop the £100/wk, do so. At that point your obligations to your Mother will be no greater (or less) than those of your siblings.

I still also think you're making things hard for yourself. What does it matter if your sister wants to keep the cleaning things in the garage? Is your Mum really going to be getting them out herself? If the cleaner can't find them, you tell her she'll have to ring your sister because you don't know where she's put them.

If your Mum's happy with what the cleaner is doing, that's the end of it.

If your aunt doesn't want to speak to your Mum again about her conversations with the ex, then let it be (or have a chat with your aunt about it before getting involved). Your aunt sounds capable of standing up for herself if she wants to.

These are all other people's problems. Why take them on yourself when it upsets you? At the risk of sounding harsh, is there a bit of 'woe is me' at play here?

Mojisola

LannieDuck wrote: »

These are all other people's problems. Why take them on yourself when it upsets you? At the risk of sounding harsh, is there a bit of 'woe is me' at play here?

I think it's more that Rose has been jumping when anyone else says "jump" for so long that she can't actually see what she's doing.

Rose - if your sister set up the kitchen wrong and your Mum complained, tell her to phone your sister to come and change things or tell her to get the cleaner to sort it out.

You don't have to sort out everyone else's mess!

rose28454

This is the email i am about to send to my siblings. Wondered whether anyone would like to comment before I send it.


Hi
Well here we are on day 12 of Mum only seeing myself or the carer every day. ( I forgot the cleaner-twice). I know everyone has their own life to lead but does no one have any consideration for Mum or me.

I was away Thursday afternoon till late Friday night so the only person she saw was the carer for 30 minutes on Friday.

I have to think of every single thing about her food, bills, medication, clothes and appointments for effectively £20.00 per week.( because that is all Mum has to actually find of her own pocket- the rest is covered by her attendance allowance!) She does her best to let the carer not wash her and even though it says in the notes they will make her breakfast she refuses that too and then when I get there she demands breakfast or tells me she just had toast!!

She expects me to go up at bed time every night when i think she should have the agency do that aswell.

And then when I arrange something like the windows no one wants to help but everyone has an opinion about what is wrong ( including Mum !!).

Same with the gravestone. it should have been arranged by the executors as it is part of the funeral but even though I tried to arrange it back in October it was deemed someone else had to deal with it ( so no one felt left out!!) and in the end it fell back to me to arrange it and save over £200.00 at the same time. And then all I got was " It does not say in Loving Memory"!!

I did the pension credit application and she only got £5.60 per week but now since November she gets nearly £100.00 per month towards the Mortgage Interest and should get an extra £26.80 per month towards the new Window loan.

The Italian Pension has finally been settled at £75.00 per month and as i have already spent 1 year chasing it if anyone any wants to appeal against it then go ahead.

The shower is continually leaking, the toilet seat ( or maybe the toilet ) is wobbly and there needs to be something done about the toilet door as she can't close it when she goes in so when you come in the front door you may find her sitting there with the door open.

I am told off if I suggest I phone anyone to say she will be on her own some days , especially +++++(oldest brother) or +++++(younger brother), to pop in if I am away for the day as they can't be disturbed.

I cannot continue being treated like a servant by Mum and everyone else. When Aunty came at Xmas she was shooed away after being told she was just the skivvy and then when she came in February Mum did not think it wrong to take a call from Aunty's Ex whilst Aunty and her chap were sat at the table. It was very convenient when Aunty came as she was there, did all the shopping etc and was company for Mum. i don't think she will come much again.

Physically, mentally and emotionally I am at the end of this part of my life and everyone has to now get together and discuss the way forward. I have spent my life supporting my own family and now want to be free to do what I want when I want.

Mum is also frightened to spend any money on anything as she has been persuaded that she must not touch any of the building society money as it was Dads. ++++(Younger sister) arranged to go and get new light fittings for the breakfast room and lounge but of course that was over ruled and they had to be returned. Now Mum wants the old light fitting from above the breakfast room table found ( from the garage ) and replaced ( even though it was removed about 10 years ago and is probably gone. All her life she was kept short of money so if she wants to buy something she should be able to. Also persuading her she can't have a fresh loaf every day is ludicrous. It only a bloody £1.05.

So as usual its Sunday and no one will be over to see her. So it will be up to me to go and feed her and make sure she is okay.

She is not only my mother she is yours swell and its tough if it affects your lives swell but she brought you all up too.

And this is not about money it is about having my life back. I feel compelled to write this as no one seems to listen if I speak on the phone about it. "

( I have altered it slightly to hide names). As I write she calls to say there is nothing for lunch or dinner and what am I ding about it. I said i will pop to supermarket but not till about 3.00 but that is wrong aswell.

SuzieSue

It sounds good to me, but from what I can see, even if you got more money for doing what you are doing then I don't think you would want to do it anyway. If that is the case, then I wouldn't mention the bit about the £20 in the 3rd paragraph as it makes it look like you are just complaining about the money.

I also think that at the end you should re-iterate that you expect all of you to take turns to look after your mother. Therefore, you need to give them, say, a week's notice and say that you will be be telling your mother that from Monday 11 March each of her children will be coming to see her, not just you. You then need to tell them which days you will be going and leave it to them to decide on their days and tell them that they need to tell your mother.

You must give them a deadline or nothing will happen and don't take it upon yourself to arrange the rota - you just let them and our mother know your dates and they need tell her their dates. Then if no-one turns up it is not your fault.

SuzieSue

You also need to add to the letter that each of the children need to take it in turn to do the shopping for your mother each week.

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

Hi
Well here we are on day 12 of Mum only seeing myself or the carer every day. ( I forgot the cleaner-twice). I know everyone has their own life to lead but does no one have any consideration for Mum or me.

I was away Thursday afternoon till late Friday night so the only person she saw was the carer for 30 minutes on Friday.

I have to think of every single thing about her food, bills, medication, clothes and appointments for effectively £20.00 per week.( because that is all Mum has to actually find of her own pocket- the rest is covered by her attendance allowance!)

I wouldn't say this - it's the work you're doing for the amount you are getting that's important.

Try comparing the hours you work for the money you get (CA and from your Mum) to how many hours that would buy your Mum from a professional carer.

She does her best to let the carer not wash her and even though it says in the notes they will make her breakfast she refuses that too and then when I get there she demands breakfast or tells me she just had toast!!

She expects me to go up at bed time every night when i think she should have the agency do that aswell.

So I'm going to stop doing that and arrange for the agency to come in.

And then when I arrange something like the windows no one wants to help but everyone has an opinion about what is wrong (including Mum!!).

Same with the gravestone. it should have been arranged by the executors as it is part of the funeral but even though I tried to arrange it back in October it was deemed someone else had to deal with it ( so no one felt left out!!) and in the end it fell back to me to arrange it and save over £200.00 at the same time. And then all I got was " It does not say in Loving Memory"!!

If the rest of you leave things to me to arrange, don't then disagree with my decisions. If you want things done a certain way, you do it.

I did the pension credit application and she only got £5.60 per week but now since November she gets nearly £100.00 per month towards the Mortgage Interest and should get an extra £26.80 per month towards the new Window loan.

The Italian Pension has finally been settled at £75.00 per month and as i have already spent 1 year chasing it if anyone any wants to appeal against it then go ahead.

The shower is continually leaking, the toilet seat ( or maybe the toilet ) is wobbly and there needs to be something done about the toilet door as she can't close it when she goes in so when you come in the front door you may find her sitting there with the door open.

I am told off if I suggest I phone anyone to say she will be on her own some days , especially +++++(oldest brother) or +++++(younger brother), to pop in if I am away for the day as they can't be disturbed.

I cannot continue being treated like a servant by Mum and everyone else. When Aunty came at Xmas she was shooed away after being told she was just the skivvy and then when she came in February Mum did not think it wrong to take a call from Aunty's Ex whilst Aunty and her chap were sat at the table. It was very convenient when Aunty came as she was there, did all the shopping etc and was company for Mum. i don't think she will come much again.

Physically, mentally and emotionally I am at the end of this part of my life and everyone has to now get together and discuss the way forward. I have spent my life supporting my own family and now want to be free to do what I want when I want.

Mum is also frightened to spend any money on anything as she has been persuaded that she must not touch any of the building society money as it was Dads. ++++(Younger sister) arranged to go and get new light fittings for the breakfast room and lounge but of course that was over ruled and they had to be returned. Now Mum wants the old light fitting from above the breakfast room table found ( from the garage ) and replaced ( even though it was removed about 10 years ago and is probably gone. All her life she was kept short of money so if she wants to buy something she should be able to. Also persuading her she can't have a fresh loaf every day is ludicrous. It only a bloody £1.05.

She needs to be spending some of this money to make her home comfortable and to pay for more carers.

So as usual its Sunday and no one will be over to see her. So it will be up to me to go and feed her and make sure she is okay.

She is not only my mother she is yours as well and its tough if it affects your lives as well but she brought you all up too.

And this is not about money it is about having my life back. I feel compelled to write this as no one seems to listen if I speak on the phone about it.

Set a time limit on changes being made otherwise the others will just put it down to you having a paddy and you'll get over it if they don't do anything.

Get very clear in your mind what you want from them - just saying they should all be helping more won't achieve anything.

If they do agree to get stuck in, be unavailable when it's not your turn.


The last two bits I've put in bold, you should put in bold or even capitals!

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

As I write she calls to say there is nothing for lunch or dinner and what am I ding about it.

I said i will pop to supermarket but not till about 3.00 but that is wrong aswell.

Who should have got food in for her? If it was one of the others, phone them and tell them to sort it out.