Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

rose28454

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

Did you send the letter?

Not to all of them. I sent an abridged version to my sisters. Did not get much of a response. However Mum is now having more care from Adult Social Care. They leave her lunch ready and then pop back , do her t and shut curtains etc. I had no choce but to put this in place this week due to a catastrophic event in my family. My daughter took a massive overdose on 14.3 and spent over 24 hours in hospital on a drip to counteract the drugs. I have been told not to leave her on her own at the moment. Both my sisters knew this and one has gone off to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks and the other offers to look after Mum then gibs out. So I spoke to the team who deal with Mum and they have increased her care for now until things change. Elder sister is back on 11.4 and said she can stay till end of April. I am managing to pop in to see Mum when DD has a friend to visit or her Dad takes over.
Daughter is getting better and is seeing doctor and Phychiatrist tommorow and they have increased her anti depressants and she is taking sleeping pills ( under my supervision). However her and I have both had the Norovirus in the last week to help things along.
I am having a lot of problems with building society so am trying to deal with them aswell.
I was feeling very penned in last week as I am a bit paranoid and would not even let dd go to loo without me. Mum has not been very sympathetic and told me off for telling my aunty. My aunt is one of my greatest supporters and it is my business who I tell.
So some progress and some steps back.

Savvy_Sue

Oh my, just what you need! But good on you for getting Mum's care sorted externally, hang onto that even when you get more of your life back again.

And remember, you are NOT responsible for your DD's choices. don't let her guilt trip you into thinking that you are ...

bsms1147

...And the one son who tried to keep them all together.

rose28454

bsms1147 wrote: »

...And the one son who tried to keep them all together.

Sorry being a bit thick here. Can you explain what you mean please?
Just back from doctors with dd and she is seeing mental health nurse at 12.30. catching up one here then a morning of tidying and then an afternoon of paperwork. Savvy Sue I am trying to not let dd domnate my every thought. Was a rough week last week but as you say at least the Mum thing is moving the right way. I am obviously not popular with my sister ( the younger one) as she has barely called me in the last week. Still she will speak to me today as I am very short of money this week and she owes me some as does my brother. So a few calls to be made this morning. OH has for once been good at helping with dd's care etc which makes a change.

Mojisola

Just when you start getting some control, someone in the family throws everything off balance again - you are amazing for continuing to cope!

LannieDuck

Rose, whilst a desperately difficult situation for all involved, perhaps this could be the reason you need to take a step back. Your Mum is ok - she's not at imminent risk of harm, and she has other children who can look after her. Your daughter has to be your main concern at the moment.

In your position I would just say to my siblings - "Given what's happened in the last week, I don't have time now or for the foreseeable future to look after Mum any more. Your turn".

LannieDuck

rose28454 wrote: »

... the other offers to look after Mum then gibs out.

Leave her to it. If you're always there to jump in when the other sisters don't do exactly what you want, you'll always be doing it.

Tell your Mum that X is looking after her now, so if she needs anything she could call X (but she can still phone you in an emergency). And leave them to it.

They might not get your Mum sorted quite like you would have, but your Mum is capable enough to let you know if there's a problem.

Edit: I also meant to comment on how well you're coping with everything. I can't imagine having to go through that with my daughter. Make sure you find some time to look after yourself as well as looking after everyone else.

rose28454

LannieDuck wrote: »

Rose, whilst a desperately difficult situation for all involved, perhaps this could be the reason you need to take a step back. Your Mum is ok - she's not at imminent risk of harm, and she has other children who can look after her. Your daughter has to be your main concern at the moment.

In your position I would just say to my siblings - "Given what's happened in the last week, I don't have time now or for the foreseeable future to look after Mum any more. Your turn".

I tried to say that last week just after it happened but as usual it fell on deaf ears. That is why I waited till my elder sister left the country for her trip and then called Adult Social Care. Sis would have gone off on one at me if she knew. Other sister had Mum yesterday and called me to say she was home ( one of my brothers brought her home ) so I said I hope he is going to do curtains etc as I am not going out again today. She did not like it one bit.
DD is my main concern at the moment but it is getting easier as she is getting better day by day and I dont feel so paranoid.
The odd thing is Mum seems to be doing a bit more for herself since I have not been there so much in the last week. So that is positive. Had a bad nights sleep as DD told me she was looking for a packet of Tramadol that I had belonging to Mum when she took the overdose. LLuckily she could not find it but I felt guilty all night. BTW I only have a minimal supply of any tablets of any kind at home now and the Tramadol went down the loo!!

LannieDuck

rose28454 wrote: »

I tried to say that last week just after it happened but as usual it fell on deaf ears. That is why I waited till my elder sister left the country for her trip and then called Adult Social Care. Sis would have gone off on one at me if she knew. Other sister had Mum yesterday and called me to say she was home ( one of my brothers brought her home ) so I said I hope he is going to do curtains etc as I am not going out again today. She did not like it one bit.
DD is my main concern at the moment but it is getting easier as she is getting better day by day and I dont feel so paranoid.
The odd thing is Mum seems to be doing a bit more for herself since I have not been there so much in the last week. So that is positive. Had a bad nights sleep as DD told me she was looking for a packet of Tramadol that I had belonging to Mum when she took the overdose. LLuckily she could not find it but I felt guilty all night. BTW I only have a minimal supply of any tablets of any kind at home now and the Tramadol went down the loo!!

Rose, you need to start being a bit more assertive. It fell on deaf ears? I'll bet it didn't. I'll bet they heard it loud and clear and thought "If I ignore her, she'll do it anyway".

You need to start telling them what you're doing rather than asking. It's the difference between saying "I've had an emergency, could one of you take over for a week?" and "I've had an emergency. I won't have any time to deal with Mum this week, you'll have to cover it between you."

Make yourself unavailable. Your sisters are very good at doing it, so why can't you do it too? Be very clear that you won't be there, and it's their responsibility. At the moment they know that you're in the background to pick up the slack, so they just don't bother.

For example, why on earth did sister call you to let you know she was back home? She should have been dealing with Mum, not you.

As for your sister 'going off on one' if she knew you were arranging extra care for your Mum, I would have pointed out that i) you can't do it, ii) she obviously doesn't want to do it, iii) Mum needs the care. So either sister needs to step up and take over, or you would arrange the extra care. Stand up for yourself, my dear

Savvy_Sue

rose28454 wrote: »

The odd thing is Mum seems to be doing a bit more for herself since I have not been there so much in the last week. So that is positive.

Sadly, I don't think that's odd at all. I think it's indicative of a manipulative person who knows how to push your buttons. Given what you've said about your siblings, it sounds as if it runs in the family.

Time to stop being manipulable. Switch your phone off regularly, or don't answer calls from your siblings. Even if it's an emergency, what's the worst that could happen? If they can't get hold of you, they'll sort something out, because they'll have to!