Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

Savvy_Sue

Sorry if this is a bit doom and gloom, but when a new PofA is sought you'll probably find that all family members have to be notified. That's going to go down well with your brother, isn't it?

Still, forewarned and all that.

rose28454

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Sorry if this is a bit doom and gloom, but when a new PofA is sought you'll probably find that all family members have to be notified. That's going to go down well with your brother, isn't it?

Still, forewarned and all that.

yes i realise that. older sis says we should leave it be so as not to upset him!

RAS

rose28454 wrote: »

yes i realise that. older sis says we should leave it be so as not to upset him!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Given that he has already used his parents' wealth once to escape the consequences of his poor money management he is certainly not suitable as athe attorney. In fact if he tried to register the POA I would object on those grounds alone and I think the PG might agree with you.

rose28454

RAS wrote: »

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Given that he has already used his parents' wealth once to escape the consequences of his poor money management he is certainly not suitable as athe attorney. In fact if he tried to register the POA I would object on those grounds alone and I think the PG might agree with you.

Yes that's right. However my younger brother also has severe financial problems and had £3000 off Mum last August that has still not been paid back. Older sister lives abroad so is out too and younger sister has a fractious relationship with Mum and is often away for 2-4 weeks on business. But still one of them would be more suitable than me. i am such a bad daughter apparently that today I arranged for mum to have a ladder thing on her bed as she struggles to pull herself across. Also got an emergency prescription of dizzy tablets, prepared lunch and dinner ( for carer to finish off) and just went to put her to bed.

miss_marsters

Just wanted to come in and say your doing a great job!

You shouldn't be expected to put your mum to bed every night - what happens if you're busy or ill?

I'm with the others on this keep the carers and keep communication with the care agency and social services - explain your mums temperament - they've probably seen hundreds just like her!

And without sounding blunt - tell your brothers and sisters to shove off! How dare they just swan in and tell you what to do.. Cheek!

Myself and by mum are carers for my grandparents ( not personal care though) and my uncles are totally hands off - I know how frustrating it can feel.

What helped us was creating firm boundaries to enable us to live our own lives too

My mum does 3-4 days a week and I do 3-4 days
We help with most things and they have carers in 3 times a day
Shockingly there's even days we don't visit if we're away etc, but they have a personal alarm and can use a phone.

But I think the main difference is that my grandparents openly appreciate what we do - so I take my hat off to you I really do.

You have to live your own life too there's no shame in that. Carers can be used, cleaners, meals on wheels, shopping services

You just need to find the right balance and do this GUILT free

rose28454

miss_marsters wrote: »

Just wanted to come in and say your doing a great job!

You shouldn't be expected to put your mum to bed every night - what happens if you're busy or ill?

I'm with the others on this keep the carers and keep communication with the care agency and social services - explain your mums temperament - they've probably seen hundreds just like her!

And without sounding blunt - tell your brothers and sisters to shove off! How dare they just swan in and tell you what to do.. Cheek!

Myself and by mum are carers for my grandparents ( not personal care though) and my uncles are totally hands off - I know how frustrating it can feel.

What helped us was creating firm boundaries to enable us to live our own lives too

My mum does 3-4 days a week and I do 3-4 days
We help with most things and they have carers in 3 times a day
Shockingly there's even days we don't visit if we're away etc, but they have a personal alarm and can use a phone.

But I think the main difference is that my grandparents openly appreciate what we do - so I take my hat off to you I really do.

You have to live your own life too there's no shame in that. Carers can be used, cleaners, meals on wheels, shopping services

You just need to find the right balance and do this GUILT free

Thanks. Thats what the others cant understand. They think it would be inkind to get someone to put Mum to bed. To be honest I don't want to be pulling my Mum's pants up at night and taking off her bra!. Both my other sisters would do those things but only if they saw Mum was really struggling with it. Do they think it is how I want to spend my life!! I am waiting for a call back by Adult Social Care as I am away for 2 nights next week and I am going to trial the night time thing. Mum wont like it but what else am I to do. My daughter is still recovering from her episode in March and I need to give her some of my time too.
I actually feel more trapped now than I did living with an alcoholic for 25 years ( seperated now but he is sober 5 years and we are on good terms now-this week he fixed the shed roof and my car)

Mojisola

miss_marsters wrote: »

Just wanted to come in and say your doing a great job!

But I think the main difference is that my grandparents openly appreciate what we do - so I take my hat off to you I really do.

You have to live your own life too there's no shame in that. Carers can be used, cleaners, meals on wheels, shopping services

You just need to find the right balance and do this GUILT free

rose28454 wrote: »

But still one of them would be more suitable than me.

i am such a bad daughter apparently that today I arranged for mum to have a ladder thing on her bed as she struggles to pull herself across. Also got an emergency prescription of dizzy tablets, prepared lunch and dinner ( for carer to finish off) and just went to put her to bed.

The caring I did was also appreciated by my parents and other people.

I don't think anyone appreciates what Rose is doing!

LannieDuck

rose28454 wrote: »

I actually feel more trapped now than I did living with an alcoholic for 25 years

Rose, your thread has been going on for 9 pages now (and 3 months), and I don't feel that your situation has changed much at all in that time. You've tried a few things (e.g. writing to your siblings), but haven't really made much progress.

If you feel so trapped, what are you planning to do about it?

(Please know that I don't mean this post in a nasty way, but I feel frustrated on your behalf, and I don't think anything will change unless you make it change. So what are you going to do?)

rose28454

LannieDuck wrote: »

Rose, your thread has been going on for 9 pages now (and 3 months), and I don't feel that your situation has changed much at all in that time. You've tried a few things (e.g. writing to your siblings), but haven't really made much progress.

If you feel so trapped, what are you planning to do about it?

(Please know that I don't mean this post in a nasty way, but I feel frustrated on your behalf, and I don't think anything will change unless you make it change. So what are you going to do?)

I have spent the weekend thinking about your comment. And yes you are right. I am on the phone as I am writing this waiting to speak to Adult Social Care about changes. I am away this weekend and next so I am asking for extra care for Mum for the night time. She knows I am ringing and although not dreadfully happy about it she did not tell me not to do it. So the idea is for a try out of the extra care for this weekend and next. My sister is coming home in June for 2 weeks so I have decided to give the rest of the family notice that I will cease taking the money from Mum from that date. Then we will all be on level terms as regards Mum's care. I will obviously cease claiming carer's allowance aswell. This will then mean Mum has more money ( as everyone seems to be worried about her paying me!!) and I will be free again. Adult Social Care have confirmed they will send care for bedtime as requested and hopefully that can then continue.

maman

rose28454 wrote: »

I have spent the weekend thinking about your comment. And yes you are right. I am on the phone as I am writing this waiting to speak to Adult Social Care about changes. I am away this weekend and next so I am asking for extra care for Mum for the night time. She knows I am ringing and although not dreadfully happy about it she did not tell me not to do it. So the idea is for a try out of the extra care for this weekend and next. My sister is coming home in June for 2 weeks so I have decided to give the rest of the family notice that I will cease taking the money from Mum from that date. Then we will all be on level terms as regards Mum's care. I will obviously cease claiming carer's allowance aswell. This will then mean Mum has more money ( as everyone seems to be worried about her paying me!!) and I will be free again. Adult Social Care have confirmed they will send care for bedtime as requested and hopefully that can then continue.

I'm delighted you've come to that decision. As long as you're accepting money/claiming for your mum's care I can see why your siblings have expectations of you. Next you have to distance yourself practically from your mum and limit your visits to a bit of socialising. PLEASE stick with your plans.