Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

Mojisola

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Sadly, I don't think that's odd at all. I think it's indicative of a manipulative person who knows how to push your buttons. Given what you've said about your siblings, it sounds as if it runs in the family.

Time to stop being manipulable. Switch your phone off regularly, or don't answer calls from your siblings. Even if it's an emergency, what's the worst that could happen? If they can't get hold of you, they'll sort something out, because they'll have to!

So true! No-one, as they say, is indispensable.

If you were in hospital, what would happen - they would sort things out themselves, that's what!

rose28454

Just though I would post an update. Firstly DD is progressing and they have stopped sleeping pills so she has been sleeping badly. However she slept well last night. She is out and about a bit more but I and the mental health nurse are advising her to take it slowly.
My Aunty came about a week ago and told me just to do my own thing and not worry about Mum at all as she would look after her. the day before she came the lady from Adult social Care came and Mum insisted she did not need the afternoon carer as Aunty was there. But the lady said it was better to leave it in place even if it was barely used for as week or 2. She told Mum that she was concerned for me and that her visit was for me aswell as Mum. So in the end Mum agreed to leave it as it is.
Soon as lady went Mum said she wanted me to cancel the carer afternoons as Aunty was coming. I refused as Aunty said we should leave it in place. She was a carer for the council in London for years so knows what she is talking about.
So Thursday sis arrives back and Aunty and her chap are leaving Friday. I went up to give my Aunty a box of household things (from glitches ) as she is moving into a new flat next week. She asked me to help turn Mums mattress and whilst doing it my sister started telling me to cancel the afternoon carer. A huge row ensued and I told her do what you like when you are home but do not cancel the care package. She was then going on that they come early to give Mum t and are sometimes late in the morning. I am not surprised as my Mum lies that she has washed if they are late, is miserable and complains that they dont do enough!!
They did a financial assessment last week and all the care she gets is free.
So while I was there the carer came and as she finished my Aunt came into the bedroom and told me Mum had told the lady not to come that afternoon. I spoke to the carer who said any changes have to go through the office. I despair. So sis is here for 2 weeks and then goes home and after that the care package in place will remain and I will just do some shopping for Mum once a week and deal with the few remaining financial papers I am collating for her. Then I will hand over the paperwork to one of the others.
I am due to see the doctor on Tuesday as my cholesterol is up, bp all over the place and my ecg showed some abnormalities.
So although I havent quite given it up altogether I am getting there.

sharnad

no wonder its up well done for taking a step back - if your sisters suggests how the care should be tell her that she can do it for free all the time

rose28454

I am still looking after Mum although she has morning and t-time carer coming in from the agency. She has been assessed by Adult Social Care financially and does not have to pay. However since Sis and Aunty went home Mum seems to have lost the ability to undress at night so I am having to go up ( although when I was late the other night she was undressed). Adult Social care says she can have a bedtime visit aswell but am I being mean not wanting to put her to bed?

Another thorny issue hs arisen in that I mentioned to the others that when i was tidying some papers I came accross a letter from the solicitor mentioning powers of attorney Mum and Dad made in 2007. It is a copy letter ( whih is odd in itself) and says the originals are in their safe and Mum and Dad had a copy. There is no sign of it there and i discussed it with Mum and she said they appointed each other. So I said that maybe it should be changed and called the solicitor for a copy and to ask if it could just be changed. Solicitor called mum back and said it did not need changing and if it was it would cost £400.00. She then arranged to come out to see Mum next week.
So i rang them back and said could we have a copy before then and they said it was at their other office because it was moved in 2010 when Mum requested a change. This all seems to point to our eldest brother having power of attorney as that is the office he uses and Dad was dying in 2010/2011 so maybe it was changed in his favour.
All this would not be relevant but he has only visited Mum twice in 5 months and does not speak to me or younger brother. Mum had suggested appointing younger sister but they had a falling out this week cause my sis decided to stop giving mum money each month as she has been paying £60.00 per month towards parents mortgage that Oldest brother saddled them with for over 10 years and decided as Mum was getting help from Pension credit she could manage.
So the question is would you not think that as i am the person who looks after my Mum it should be me? Or am i just being stupid here.

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

Mum seems to have lost the ability to undress at night so I am having to go up ( although when I was late the other night she was undressed). Adult Social care says she can have a bedtime visit aswell but am I being mean not wanting to put her to bed?

If it's offered, accept it quickly!

So the question is would you not think that as i am the person who looks after my Mum it should be me? Or am i just being stupid here.

I have POA for my Dad because I am the one nearby who does all the caring and I have to make the day-to-day decisions. If one of my siblings had POA instead of me, I would probably tell them to sort Dad out. I would be very upset if I was doing all the work and someone else had the power to over-ride what I thought was best!

RAS

Agree to the bed-time carer ASAP.

With respect to the POA, make it absolutely plain that whoever is appointed has to take full day to day responsibility for mum's care and arrangements. Do you think any of the rest would want to take that on?

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

I have POA for my Dad because I am the one nearby who does all the caring and I have to make the day-to-day decisions. If one of my siblings had POA instead of me, I would probably tell them to sort Dad out. I would be very upset if I was doing all the work and someone else had the power to over-ride what I thought was best!

I am going to talk to Adult Social Care today and ask about the nightime care. It wont be popular but who cares. Regarding the POA yes I am really upset about it as i am expected to do everything but am not good enough to have the POA.

Savvy_Sue

Look, if your mum has 'lost the ability' to do something so that you've been running up there to help, but if you're late she suddenly finds the ability to do it, then she hasn't really lost anything, has she?

give her a choice: night time carer or doing it herself. Make it clear that you are NOT popping in every bedtime.

LannieDuck

RAS wrote: »

Agree to the bed-time carer ASAP.

With respect to the POA, make it absolutely plain that whoever is appointed has to take full day to day responsibility for mum's care and arrangements. Do you think any of the rest would want to take that on?

Totally agree with this.

Take as much help from carers as you can - it means that when you do visit it can be for social purposes, and for treats like taking Mum out to get her hair done etc, and because you want to visit rather than because you have to.

I still don't understand why the other siblings think they can tell you not to accept the free carers without stepping in themselves to provide that additional care. They don't want your Mum to have the free carers, but presumably they do want her looked after... they just want you to do it. Are you still being paid (the small amount) to be her carer? Is that still the source of the problem?

As for the POA, I agree with RAS - tell the others that it really must be linked to her day-to-day care. You're happy to continue the care and have POA, or you're happy for someone else to have POA and take over the day-to-day care.

rose28454

LannieDuck wrote: »

Totally agree with this.

Take as much help from carers as you can - it means that when you do visit it can be for social purposes, and for treats like taking Mum out to get her hair done etc, and because you want to visit rather than because you have to.

I still don't understand why the other siblings think they can tell you not to accept the free carers without stepping in themselves to provide that additional care. They don't want your Mum to have the free carers, but presumably they do want her looked after... they just want you to do it. Are you still being paid (the small amount) to be her carer? Is that still the source of the problem?

As for the POA, I agree with RAS - tell the others that it really must be linked to her day-to-day care. You're happy to continue the care and have POA, or you're happy for someone else to have POA and take over the day-to-day care.

The thing with the POA is Mum is still compus mentis at the moment and she may continue to be ok. However Dad had dementia ( Mum wont allow us to say he had Alzheimers!) and basically did not know what was going on the last 18 months of his life. Yes I am being paid the small amount each week and I understand from my younger sister that the others have a problem with this. It was ok to pay a stranger for a year but not me.
Yes it is odd that they think we should not take free care but by the same reasoning they think i should not be paid.
Solicitor is sending us a copy of the power of attorney already made ( although she was uncertain they still have it-which means my brother must have it) and then we will look at it.
A mess as usual.