Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

*Robin*

Dear Siblings,

We, between the five[?] of us, must find a better system for supporting Mum than the current arrangement whereby I am taking almost all of the load.

I simply cannot do it any longer, so therefore from March xxth, I will no longer be claiming benefits as Mum's carer.

I will undertake to visit Mum on xxxdays and xxxdays, and expect that each of you, my siblings, will advise the rest of us on which days of the week you will be responsible for ensuring that Mum is looked after (in all aspects; feeding, hygiene, shopping, household management etc.).

If, between us, we cannot commit to visiting often enough to ensure Mum's safety, then sadly, perhaps it is time to consider whether residential care might be the best solution for Mum's last years.

Yours,
Your [exhausted] Sister.

LannieDuck

*Robin* wrote: »

Dear Siblings,

We, between the five[?] of us, must find a better system for supporting Mum than the current arrangement whereby I am taking almost all of the load.

I simply cannot do it any longer, so therefore from March xxth, I will no longer be claiming benefits as Mum's carer.

I will undertake to visit Mum on xxxdays and xxxdays, and expect that each of you, my siblings, will advise the rest of us on which days of the week you will be responsible for ensuring that Mum is looked after (in all aspects; feeding, hygiene, shopping, household management etc.).

If, between us, we cannot commit to visiting often enough to ensure Mum's safety, then sadly, perhaps it is time to consider whether residential care might be the best solution for Mum's last years.

Yours,
Your [exhausted] Sister.

Much, much better. OP, brevity is your friend here. If you start listing every little gripe that you have, your siblings will focus on refuting those rather than addressing the underlying problems.

Also, does your mum really need someone in every day? (She may well need it... alternatively it could just be more convenient to her?)

rose28454

LannieDuck wrote: »

Much, much better. OP, brevity is your friend here. If you start listing every little gripe that you have, your siblings will focus on refuting those rather than addressing the underlying problems.

Also, does your mum really need someone in every day? (She may well need it... alternatively it could just be more convenient to her?)

I think that maybe brevity is the key. I am going to stew over it until a bit later in the week as elder sister has my older brothers daughter staying with her till Thursday and younger sister is away working.
She has just got used to someone being there every day.

PetuliaGristle

Hi rose, I've read through your thread, you're in a situation that can't carry on, changing it will be best for you, your mum and your siblings (even though they won't see it that way). In my opinion, it's been good for you to write your letter as you've put all the problems down on paper. However, I would definitely send the message *Robin* drafted, as it looks forward rather than backwards, and means it's less likely that your siblings will be able to keep things going as they are by getting you bogged down in details. My advise is to make clear deadlines and act on them, after all, it works for your Aunty. Wishing you the best of luck.

rose28454

PetuliaGristle wrote: »

Hi rose, I've read through your thread, you're in a situation that can't carry on, changing it will be best for you, your mum and your siblings (even though they won't see it that way). In my opinion, it's been good for you to write your letter as you've put all the problems down on paper. However, I would definitely send the message *Robin* drafted, as it looks forward rather than backwards, and means it's less likely that your siblings will be able to keep things going as they are by getting you bogged down in details. My advise is to make clear deadlines and act on them, after all, it works for your Aunty. Wishing you the best of luck.

Thanks I think you are right about the content. Just back in from putting her to bed and tried to talk to her about the boys not coming. She just said what can they do. I said the same as us girls. Elder sister messaged me and I told her I will be in touch later in the week to discuss the way forward. It really is an untenable situation. I see you are a Bristol girl I am in Wells. Where exactly are you. PM me if you dont want to post on here.

Flugelhorn

Dear Siblings


Have had enough - have joined a commune on Bodmin Moor. Am sure you will cope.

Rosie

Mojisola

Flugelhorn wrote: »

Dear Siblings

Have had enough - have joined a commune on Bodmin Moor. Am sure you will cope.

Rosie

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Perhaps a bit extreme! It wouldn't do any harm to go somewhere on an extended trip - there are good opportunities for a combined holiday/voluntary placement which would take Rose right out of the situation for a couple of months. That would be long enough for the rest of the family to have to step up and take responsibility.

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Perhaps a bit extreme! It wouldn't do any harm to go somewhere on an extended trip - there are good opportunities for a combined holiday/voluntary placement which would take Rose right out of the situation for a couple of months. That would be long enough for the rest of the family to have to step up and take responsibility.

Last time I was out of the picture for one month was when I did the Jubilee job last year and elder sister had her for 1 month. Mum was breathless one day and sis took her to hospital in Switzerland ( where she lives) and ended up with a bill of £1700.00. I had got a quote for Holiday Insurance and ordered her a EHIC card but insurance was not taken and Ehic did not arrive. She needed her NI number on the day but did not ring me ( its in my head) or get brothers to look for it. So 10 months later she is fighting with Newcastle about them paying the bill and apparently its my fault cause sis was too frightened to call me on the day.
I am applying for a housekeepers weekend job that starts in April and am going to see the agency about a bookkeeping job tommorow. So if they pan out then I should be unavailable by end of March.

margaretclare

rose28454 wrote: »

This is the email i am about to send to my siblings. Wondered whether anyone would like to comment before I send it.


Hi
Well here we are on day 12 of Mum only seeing myself or the carer every day. ( I forgot the cleaner-twice). I know everyone has their own life to lead but does no one have any consideration for Mum or me.

I was away Thursday afternoon till late Friday night so the only person she saw was the carer for 30 minutes on Friday.

I have to think of every single thing about her food, bills, medication, clothes and appointments for effectively £20.00 per week.( because that is all Mum has to actually find of her own pocket- the rest is covered by her attendance allowance!) She does her best to let the carer not wash her and even though it says in the notes they will make her breakfast she refuses that too and then when I get there she demands breakfast or tells me she just had toast!!

She expects me to go up at bed time every night when i think she should have the agency do that aswell.

And then when I arrange something like the windows no one wants to help but everyone has an opinion about what is wrong ( including Mum !!).

Same with the gravestone. it should have been arranged by the executors as it is part of the funeral but even though I tried to arrange it back in October it was deemed someone else had to deal with it ( so no one felt left out!!) and in the end it fell back to me to arrange it and save over £200.00 at the same time. And then all I got was " It does not say in Loving Memory"!!

I did the pension credit application and she only got £5.60 per week but now since November she gets nearly £100.00 per month towards the Mortgage Interest and should get an extra £26.80 per month towards the new Window loan.

The Italian Pension has finally been settled at £75.00 per month and as i have already spent 1 year chasing it if anyone any wants to appeal against it then go ahead.

The shower is continually leaking, the toilet seat ( or maybe the toilet ) is wobbly and there needs to be something done about the toilet door as she can't close it when she goes in so when you come in the front door you may find her sitting there with the door open.

I am told off if I suggest I phone anyone to say she will be on her own some days , especially +++++(oldest brother) or +++++(younger brother), to pop in if I am away for the day as they can't be disturbed.

I cannot continue being treated like a servant by Mum and everyone else. When Aunty came at Xmas she was shooed away after being told she was just the skivvy and then when she came in February Mum did not think it wrong to take a call from Aunty's Ex whilst Aunty and her chap were sat at the table. It was very convenient when Aunty came as she was there, did all the shopping etc and was company for Mum. i don't think she will come much again.

Physically, mentally and emotionally I am at the end of this part of my life and everyone has to now get together and discuss the way forward. I have spent my life supporting my own family and now want to be free to do what I want when I want.

Mum is also frightened to spend any money on anything as she has been persuaded that she must not touch any of the building society money as it was Dads. ++++(Younger sister) arranged to go and get new light fittings for the breakfast room and lounge but of course that was over ruled and they had to be returned. Now Mum wants the old light fitting from above the breakfast room table found ( from the garage ) and replaced ( even though it was removed about 10 years ago and is probably gone. All her life she was kept short of money so if she wants to buy something she should be able to. Also persuading her she can't have a fresh loaf every day is ludicrous. It only a bloody £1.05.

So as usual its Sunday and no one will be over to see her. So it will be up to me to go and feed her and make sure she is okay.

She is not only my mother she is yours swell and its tough if it affects your lives swell but she brought you all up too.

And this is not about money it is about having my life back. I feel compelled to write this as no one seems to listen if I speak on the phone about it. "

( I have altered it slightly to hide names). As I write she calls to say there is nothing for lunch or dinner and what am I ding about it. I said i will pop to supermarket but not till about 3.00 but that is wrong aswell.

It's much too long. Brevity, brevity, brevity! The human tendency is for the eye to skim over anything past a handful of sentences and not to take it in. Ideally, put it in 'bullet-points'. Think of a political manifesto, one of the well-written ones that is. Precis the whole lot. To get people to vote for you, you need a few hard-hitting easily-understandable points. You're in a similar situation.

HTH

MoneySavingMamma

Did you send the letter?