Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

maman

rose28454 wrote: »

I think I understand what you mean. However my Dads estate only comprised of the house ( about £150000.00 equity) and about £15000.00 in the bank.building society.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. It probably doesn't apply to your dad's estate as your mum's still alive and inherited it all (minus any individual bequests) so there was no question of the house being sold or the money being divided up. What I was trying to say was that if the government considers funeral costs a legitimate expense then that's a good guideline/reason for the costs coming from your father's estate.

rose28454

Well the week has not ended as anticipated. Aunty due to go home today and yesterday out of the blue my eldest sister appears stayng till Tuesday. So thats good as it gives me a few more days to finish my own spring cleaning. I offered her my car for the duration as i can use my daughters if needs be but she said no could I please take her to the supermarket and then she would not need it till today for a few hours. Anyway while we were out shopping younest sister called and Mum said very sarcastically that sis was out with me as there was no car for her to drive anymore ( you remember i said it was willed to my son and he finally had it in september). Then this morning eldest sister ( M) called and said could she have the car to take Mum out ( as she had been moaning she had not been out for a week) and I said of course once I had been to market. So Mum and M gone shopping and when I told youngest sis ( L) she said she was discussing it with oldest brother a coulple of weeks ago that Mum does not go out much and he said perhaps they could employ someone to take her out a bit. I just laughed and said that I am expected to do all the crap and get £100.00 per week being told thats enough and on the other hand there is money to employ someone else.
I phoned L later and said perhaps they should just employ someone to do the whole lot as I have kept saying I have had enough.
Also when Mum was in the car M said she needs to go to doctor about urinary infection. Now i took her 2 weeks ago and doc said there is not infection and Mum said she was not having any wee accidents only at night. Now that is not the case as it has happened 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks. Mum then said that the doctor refused to examine her ( a lie as I was there). I told my sis to sort it out for as I have tried.
Also Italian pension have finally sent papers saying she is going to get about £75.00 per month widows pension and she is now moaning about that as she was led to believe it would be about £250.00 per month ( 60% of what my Dad got). However it appears that they justifiably take into account what Mum gets from British government and Irish Government so amount is calcualted on thst basis. As it has taken 15 months to get it agreed I am of the mind that she should accept it and move forward. Most of the things like gravestone, windows etc are now done so that is good and pension should just be accepted. Eldest sis thinks we should appeal so I have this morning taken her all the papers to deal with it.
Mum is warm, fed, in her own home, mostly mobile and she sees at least 2 different people each day. So what is her problem??
I know it is a ramble and some points I have just included to show how bloody minded she is.

getmore4less

Are your cars insured for all these people to drive?

rose28454

getmore4less wrote: »

Are your cars insured for all these people to drive?

Yes my policy includes me, my husband and my sister. My daughters car is insured for her and her boyfriend and I am allowed to drive it as he has given permission although I am insured on my policy to drive other cars third party. I am very careful about this as my daughter got done 4 years ago for letting her insurance lapse so I am extra careful.

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

when I told youngest sis ( L) she said she was discussing it with oldest brother a coulple of weeks ago that Mum does not go out much and he said perhaps they could employ someone to take her out a bit.

I just laughed and said that I am expected to do all the crap and get £100.00 per week being told thats enough and on the other hand there is money to employ someone else.

I phoned L later and said perhaps they should just employ someone to do the whole lot as I have kept saying I have had enough.

Just think how your life would be different if this happened!

To try it out - do you have a Crossroads group near you? They are a charity who provide relief for carers (you!). We had a lovely lady who came for three hours once a fortnight for Mum and most visits she took Mum out somewhere so that Dad and I could have a break.

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

Just think how your life would be different if this happened!

To try it out - do you have a Crossroads group near you? They are a charity who provide relief for carers (you!). We had a lovely lady who came for three hours once a fortnight for Mum and most visits she took Mum out somewhere so that Dad and I could have a break.

When my Dad was ill Social Services came and suggested something similar where Mum and Dad would be given money to pay someone to take them out ever so often .They were not interested. I am already anticipating how different my life would be and also if I manage to get my DD to leave also. Just hoping my car comes back in one piece.

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

When my Dad was ill Social Services came and suggested something similar where Mum and Dad would be given money to pay someone to take them out ever so often .They were not interested.

That would be something different - probably 'direct payments'?

Would your Mum accept someone taking her out? You could present it as a solution to something she's raised, rather than it being your idea.

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

That would be something different - probably 'direct payments'?

Would your Mum accept someone taking her out? You could present it as a solution to something she's raised, rather than it being your idea.

I will see if I can bring it up on Wednesday once oldest sister has gone. Going to talk to that sis today as she is going to oldest brothers with Mum for t and I want her to talk to him about getting Mum someone to take my place asap. As he employed the last person let him do it again.

rose28454

Things getting worse instead of better. Sis went on Tuesday and I have spent 2 days putting things back where they should be for an 86 year old. She insists on putting cleaning products in the garage instead of under the sink, leaves me to sort out the recycling ( every time) as she insists on putting everything in there ( cake tins, Mums post etc) and fills the cupboards up with another million cups. I sorted Mums kitchen so she has enough things for 4 people so its easier for her to get crockery cutlery out etc.
ALso Mum does nothing but moan about the new windows. Its either too hot, too cold, theres is as draught where she sits ( not) and the new radiator in lounge they gave her a grant for is too large!! It means she does not need gas fire on all day but she cant see the benefit.
Mum has a cleaner once a week who kind of takes the mickey and only does what she wants so this week I sent her a message saying my sis had done most things but there were a few extra jobs needed doing. She showed Mum the list and only bothered to do half the jobs. When I say anything Mum defends her and says she is her employee not mine. True I suppose.
My Aunt who just stayed for a week with her chap had a very acrimonious divorce a few years ago but her ex insists on calling my Mum all the time toget info on my Aunt. Aunty spoke to Mum 3 years ago and asked her not to speak to him and Mum said she would. However on last night Aunt was here he phoned Mum whilst they were all having t. Apparently Mum had quite a long conversation with him and Aunty told me she had to go to bed cause it upset her so much. I spoke to Mum and told her it was disloyal and am now being accused of stirring it up. I was only trying to put Aunty's side as she feels betrayed by Mum.
Tried to speak to sis yesterday and she said I was causing trouble but I said it would be Mum's own fault if my Aunty did not come again and she should be grateful for her coming. Ended up I put phone down but I did send my sister an e-mail explaining I have to leave the job as it is draining me financially and emotionally. I explained its a joke that I even go at 10 at night when she could have free care to put her to bed. I then pointed out that the cleaner gets more than me (£10.00 per hour) and my sis wrote back and said " even the gardener gets more than you but remember you are her daughter".
I was gobsmacked and slept really badly. How can I escape this mess??
BTW Mum is now getting £100.00 per month towards the mortgage interest but not even thanks for that

londonsurrey

rose28454 wrote: »

I phoned L later and said perhaps they should just employ someone to do the whole lot as I have kept saying I have had enough.

Therein lies the problem. You have to back up what you say with action.

Otherwise, all people hear is "blah, blah, blah", and dismiss you, while you get more and more frustrated with them ignoring you.
Actually, if you don't take action, with every time you complain, you're actually reinforcing to them that ignoring you works. Sorry, I've learnt that the hard way myself.