Should we be expected to pay Mums bills

LannieDuck

rose28454 wrote: »

Because i organised all the work and it was decided i should deal with them instead of everyone telling them what to do. They are doing a great job and it is much easier for them to get on with Mum not there.

I can see why that would be easiest all round.

However, if your sister starts to give you hassle, give her the contractor's phone number and have her speak to them directly. Whilst it's helpful for you to be a single point of contact, you don't have to play piggie in the middle for them.

Mojisola

LannieDuck wrote: »

I can see why that would be easiest all round.

However, if your sister starts to give you hassle, give her the contractor's phone number and have her speak to them directly. Whilst it's helpful for you to be a single point of contact, you don't have to play piggie in the middle for them.

And if she hears it from him, she can't say you were making her keep your Mum for longer than necessary.

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

And if she hears it from him, she can't say you were making her keep your Mum for longer than necessary.

I went to Mums at 3.30 with my daughter to see how it is going. Both workmen said that it seems my sister is desperate to get your Mum home isnt she. Then I called my sis to say that the front door still has to go in and the patio window and could not get her on the phone. Then rang her mobile and she was at the supermarket with Mum shopping on the way to bringing her home. So much for waiting till 4.00p.m to wait for my call. I was livid. The house is freezing as heating has been off for 3 days and stuff all over the place. She then stopped answering my calls so I texted her to say that if she insists on bringing her home then she can put it all together again.
My aunt just rang and said I should text her and say that she can stay with her the night as I wont be up till morning to let workmen in at 8.00. So I just sent that text. Spoke to other sis who said what a selfish thing to do and lets hope Mum does not catch a chill and how nice it would have been for Mum to come back once it was all done and we had tidied it all up and hung curtains etc.
My sister always does this - does a good deed and then ruins it by being nasty or selfish in the next breath.
Sad

Savvy_Sue

Rose, I think you've forgotten the mantra.

Sis: "I need to bring Mum home today."

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible, contractors are not finished."

Sis: "But I need to bring her home today."

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible, the house is nowhere near ready."

Sis: "But I've got to bring her home today."

You: "I have already said that is not possible."

Why the faffing around going up there and talking to the contractors multiple times? They'd already said when they'd be finished. By appearing to be considering it, your sister assumes it IS possible, when it's not.

rose28454

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Rose, I think you've forgotten the mantra.

Sis: "I need to bring Mum home today."

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible, contractors are not finished."

Sis: "But I need to bring her home today."

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible, the house is nowhere near ready."

Sis: "But I've got to bring her home today."

You: "I have already said that is not possible."

Why the faffing around going up there and talking to the contractors multiple times? They'd already said when they'd be finished. By appearing to be considering it, your sister assumes it IS possible, when it's not.

I told her she could not come back till Friday afternoon and she agreed for me to call her at 4.00p.m. to tell her how it was going. As I said earlier she had already got Mum in the car on the way home. So no matter how I tried she would not listen. She brought her home, tidied up ( cause I said I wouldnt) and left at 6.00. She texted me to say Mum was fine and i text back to say had she had t. She said no but there was plenty of the food in the fridge and she could microwave it herself. How selfish! I called her and she was a bit shaky. I went up and made her t, showed her all thw windows and tried to talk to her about my sister's behaviour. She was having none of it and said it was her idea to come home.
I came home and at least my Aunt will be there tommorow. Very sad situation.

Savvy_Sue

rose28454 wrote: »

I told her she could not come back till Friday afternoon and she agreed for me to call her at 4.00p.m. to tell her how it was going.

But that's not how it read ...

rose28454 wrote: »

At 9.30 am had a call from sis to say could she bring Mum back today. I said I did not think so but would ring the contractor.

<snip>

So I called her and said I was just going to check at Mums and call her back. She got all stressy and said i need to bring her back today. In the end I said contractor had said tommorow night would be best.

<snip>

She stayed a few minutes and I said i would go there at 4 and see
what I think and let her know.

I know it might not have made any difference, but just IMO you ended up with additional grief because you appeared to be negotiating. The contractor had outlined the position: what was up for negotiation?

You're too busy trying to be nice here. There's no need to be. If your sister chooses to scream at you, in front of your mum or not, you hang up. You draw your line in the sand, you hold your ground.

I'm not saying it's easy. I believe I suggested some time ago that you should practise the cracked record technique. I still think that's worthwhile.

LannieDuck

Rose, I agree that you're being too nice and letting people take advantage of you.

You should have just told your sister what the contractors said and that was the end of it. You can't stop her if she then chooses to take your Mum home to a cold unfinished house. Presumably your Mum is still able to use a telephone? She could have called you if she needed to.

Why did you have to go over and check the condition of the house when the builders had already said it wouldn't be ready? Why did you ask if your Mum had had tea? (As your sister pointed, out she had microwavable meals and a microwave... does she know how to use it? Why is it selfish of your sister to assume your Mum is capable of sorting out her own tea?)

Bottom line is, would your Mum ask for help if she needed it? If so, stop jumping in before she asks. You're not doing yourself any favours.

Mojisola

LannieDuck wrote: »

You should have just told your sister what the contractors said and that was the end of it. You can't stop her if she then chooses to take your Mum home to a cold unfinished house. Presumably your Mum is still able to use a telephone? She could have called you if she needed to.

And then you could have called the sister who left Mum there and told her that Mum still needed help so get back to the house and sort her out!


Bottom line is, would your Mum ask for help if she needed it? If so, stop jumping in before she asks. You're not doing yourself any favours.

It's hard to stop when you've been so involved with her but this is good advice.

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

It's hard to stop when you've been so involved with her but this is good advice.

She texted me at 18.15 and said they were on their way home and mum was fine. I text back to ask if she had her t and sis replied by saying food in the fridge she could microwave. Now mum has t about 6.00p.m. so she could have done it for her. But my sister and her husband rarely visit my Mum after lunch and after 6.oop.m!! No thats is the witching hour. They go to bed at 8.oop.m. I went at 8.00 let the builders in but she sytayed in bed till 10.00 when the lady who gets her up came. My sisters husabnd arrived about 11.00 with a fan heater cause they were worried Mum would be cold. no sign of my sister and she called twice and asked to speak to Mum and other than asking that did not speak to me. Windows finished by 2.00p.m. so i went and did shopping and Aunty and chap arrived at 3.00 so I am off now till she goes back to where her chap lives in about a week or 10 days. Younger brother called and i told him the windows were finished and a bit of electrics to me done Monday. he said well done. I think mum is pleased but hard to tell

kelpie35

For the next 10 days DO NOT communicate with any of your family and use these days to enjoy your life.

Please try to be strong, I know it will be difficult, but please try your hardest.